To give up after 3 days?

[mollysmum82]

I'm feeling awful. I decided to put DD in preschool a couple of days ago to give her a years worth of 'practice' before school. She's never been left anywhere before and has always been either with me or DH (or with grandparents on rare occasions). She has always had strong separation anxiety, I suspect because of her traumatic premature birth and frequent hospitalisation over the last 4 years.

The first day she went in quite happily as it was novel but came out on floods of tears. The second today she was quite as apprehensive going in, saying 'I don't want you to go' and again she came out clearly having been crying. Today was horrendous. She cried her eyes out going in and clung to me. Her teachers had to prise her off me and I walked home crying myself and feeling like the worst mum in the world. She came out a bit more happily today but her teachers said she'd cried on and off throughout the session :( They also said she'd wet herself. She's not don't that in well over a year. When we got home she wet herself again and she has talked constantly about wanting to stay with me. She hasn't eaten properly either and her eczema has really flared up.

I don't know if its the wrong place or just the wrong time? Every part of me wants to take her out but everyone is saying its the right thing to do keeping her in :(

Would it be completely unreasonable to not give her a good chance at settling?

My DD's pre-school has the opposite attitude to yours. Won't allow drop and run, will let you stay as long as it takes to settle. It works. Little 'L', DD's friend, was very anxious and miserable. His Mum or Dad stayed for ages the first few days, now he loves pre-school.

Very much agree with FlatsInDagengam, there is too much pressure on us by society to push our kids into things early that they may not be ready for.

From what you have said i would keep her at home with you until she is ready and if that takes up until next year when it's time for school, then so be it. She is your child, you know whats best

Fwiw my 3yo goes to nursery but i made that decision based on her individually. She still has a bottle, and still isn't potty trained, and i won't be pushing her out of those things until she is ready. Fuck society and milestones

Agree with other posters. The preschool where all my DDs went had a totally child-centred approach. You could take as long as you wanted in drop off; or drop and run - whatever suited your child. A friend's DS took 2 terms to settle, and she went and sat in all the sessions till he was happy. He's 14 now, happy and positive! I'd definitely be looking for somewhere that focuses more on what you both need.

There should have been at least three days of settling in before you just had to drop and run. That's what DD had at nursery and it made sure she knew the people she was being left with and crucially knew that either mom or daddy would be back for her later in the day.

I would be concerned about the pre-school's attitude in this really. There's nothing wrong in being different form the other children and only doing half days. It's normal at lots of places.

I wouldn't give up on the ide entirely, but for now I would take her out and just make sure you go to lots of toddler groups so she is used to being in busy settings. Then I would look for a pre-school/nursery where you could arrange mornings only in a couple of months time. Work her into it slowly so school is not such a shock to the system.

I think you need to leave it a bit then find a new setting a few months before you decide to start her at school. My son loves pre school so I never had your problem but even though he was quite happy they still insisted I stay for the first 2 sessions and many parents stayed for longer. Look for a new pre school.

Lots of children are absolutely fine with a "drop and run" attitude, a few aren't. It sounds like OPs DC is one who isn't. Even if she starts reception in September she can do part time until her 5th birthday. Theres no rush. Take her out but keep attending toddler groups, see if you can get relatives and friends to have her for a short time. Keep the time VERY short, even 2 minutes while you go and make a cup of tea and she hasn't even noticed but praise her for staying on her own. 5 minutes while you have a quick shower. Try to get back before she starts crying. She needs to know that you ARE coming back without her having to cry. As I say, she doesn't even really need to know you've gone before you are back. After a couple of times, tell her that you are going, but reinforce that you will be back in a couple of minutes. Again, stick to a couple of minutes. It might take time, but she will get there! [dutch courage] now get in touch with nursery and tell them that she won't be back, certainly not for some time.