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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Argh! Good friend's valuable stuff donated to charity! WTFDID?

45 replies

PrincessTeacake · 07/11/2013 19:40

Long story short, friend is an au pair I befriended through playdates. She left on bad terms with her host mother, left some things in their house fully intending to come back for them. I was at the house today and offered to pick up the stuff, found out host mother had given them to a charity shop. I thought it was pretty bad form but I thought it was just easily replaceable clothes and left it at that.

Turns out there were several books in there with great monetary and sentimental value. Friend is distraught, host mother is not answering her calls or my texts, I have no idea how to track these things down beyond ringing every charity shop in the county, and I'm waiting on my friend to message me with a detailed description.

Any ideas?

OP posts:

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 07/11/2013 19:46

I could be wrong but isn't what the host mother did a form of theft? These weren't her things to give away!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 07/11/2013 19:46

I mean maybe if you reported it to the police she might be more forthcoming about where the stuff went?

sugarandspite · 07/11/2013 19:47

What about knocking on a neighbour's door and asking if there have recently been any charity collections - you know, where they leave you a bag to fill up? If there has, it gives you a starting to point to find out where these donations would have been taken and you might be able to find out of freiend's stuff was donated that way.

midoriway · 07/11/2013 19:49

Straight to the police with this one. From the Theft Act 1968;

Basic definition of theft.

(1)A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it; and “thief” and “steal” shall be construed accordingly.

(2)It is immaterial whether the appropriation is made with a view to gain, or is made for the thief’s own benefit.

Vatta · 07/11/2013 19:50

It's theft. Text the host mother saying you will be reporting the theft in the morning unless she can identify the charity.

Then go to the charity, explain the goods were donated in error, by somebody who was not the owner. They should give them back.

Remotecontrolduck · 07/11/2013 19:51

I think it is theft, definitely if she knew the itema would be collected.

That's such a shitty immature thing to go and do.

Phone all the local charity shops, chances are they'd be given to one nearby!

PartyFops · 07/11/2013 19:54

How long ago did the au pair leave the host family? Did she make arrangements to collect the belongings?

If it was a while, with no arrangement in place, I'm not sure I would blame the host family to dispose of the items.

bundaberg · 07/11/2013 19:55

how long ago did this happen? i mean, might host mum plausibly have thought that she wasn't coming back for the items?
did either of them make any effort to reunite belongings? (ie, did HM contact her to ask if she wnated them back, or did AP tell her she'd be back for them?)

StarvingBookworm · 07/11/2013 19:57

Did she leave on bad terms after turning up drunk one night??

cocobongo · 07/11/2013 19:58

Why are you getting so involved? Is it not between our friend and the host to sort out between them?

DontCallMeDaughter · 07/11/2013 19:58

It's definitely theft even if some time has passed. My sister's fiancé walked out for another woman leaving a bunch of stuff behind. It took us ages to get rid of it - in the end I threatened to take it all to his mum's house on Christmas day (when I knew he would be there) unless he came to get it. He'd lied to his mum about the circumstances of the break up so I knew he'd act. Policeman friend had advised us not to dump it or donate it as he could then pursue my sister.

I'd text her and tell her you're going to the police in the morning....

bundaberg · 07/11/2013 20:00

the OP shouldn't be texting and saying anything about the police because it isn't her stuff!

the au pair needs to go to the police if she thinks that is necessary. she must have contact details for the host mum...

Original poster

PrincessTeacake · 07/11/2013 20:40

Friend is very upset and not in any fit state to be doing anything besides drinking tea and lying down. I'm trying to help because I'm on good terms with host mother (her dd and my mindee are best friends) and she's more likely to respond to me than friend.

I don't want to go into too many details as to why they parted on bad terms as I only heard one side of the story. My friend was an excellent au pair, and I say that as someone who takes the job very seriously. She had to fly to the other side of the world before coming back for university but says she sent them regular messages to let them know she would be back for her things and to visit the children.

As of writing this, host mother has messaged me with a possible location. It's not much but its a start, and more than friend got.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 07/11/2013 20:53

How long was the stuff dumped there for?

I have limited sympathy tbh. If the books were that valuable she should've had the sense not to leave them in the house of someone she was on bad terms with.

DoJo · 07/11/2013 21:34

Being on bad terms with someone doesn't give you the right to dispose of their stuff though. The host mother should at least have given her a warning and a time frame in which she wanted them collected before doing something so drastic.

Original poster

PrincessTeacake · 08/11/2013 10:45

The stuff was there for about a month, and according to my friend her host parents messed her about when she was leaving so she couldn't sort her stuff out properly in time to catch her flight. She also kept in constant contact with them letting them know she was coming back for her things. If she'd thought that they would do this she could have sent any number of friends to the house to pick them up, but despite leaving on a bad note she did work for them for nearly a year and she trusted them.

So I've rung up as many shops as I could this morning, everyone I've spoken to bar one confused old lady has been very sympathetic and helpful. Host mother is pure stonewalling, she told me she gave the bag to a friend to give to a shop that could be in one of any three areas, and is going to ask her where on Monday rather than, say, texting the woman to ask her so I don't have to ring everyone.

Friend is still distraught, one of the items was an old-edition book left to her by her grandfather, who died before she was born, with an enclosed letter. She brought it with her because it was about this country, where he was born.

OP posts:

tabbytolst · 08/11/2013 11:50

You sound a very nice friend, but possibly a bit too involved. Your friend should be doing the running round rather than lying down or drinking tea. Being proactive about finding her stuff might make her feel better. Is there any chance she is milking you for sympathy? It does sound a bit of an extreme reaction to take to your bed because you lost a bag of things with sentimental value.

DazzleU · 08/11/2013 11:56

Hmm I think I'd text host mum saying au pair is aware that she can go to police and report you for theft and I understand she is thinking about doing this. You need to contact her direct and tell her where the stuff is.

Then tell au pair she has the right to go to the police and that at least should give her the location of her stuff.

Then step the hell out of it and let them sort it how they will- cause it's almost certainly going to go bad for you at some point.

valiumredhead · 08/11/2013 11:56

Starving

can't be that valuable if the stuff was left there for a month, can it?

I'd phone police but I would leave it to your friends to sort out OP.

Mumsyblouse · 08/11/2013 11:57

In fairness, how would the host mother know these things were valuable? Technically it might be theft but morally I think getting rid of a bag of things left by the au pair who no longer works for you and left them for a month or more is perfectly acceptable.

Sorry, but I think I would back out of the situation and let your friend do the ringing round/searching for these items. You are going to end up losing your original friend who I don't think has done anything too wrong in all honesty.

If you leave a place on bad terms, the most obvious thing to do is remove all your stuff to a nicer place (like your house). She didn't, and this is sad, but I don't think necessarily malicious.

BuntyPenfold · 08/11/2013 11:57

The au pair needs to report the theft.

I'm sure you mean well, but she needs to get off her bed and make the effort. As you are a friend, it is very awkward for you to act as middle man.

I think calling the police could have a remarkable effect on the employers memory, and doesn't involve you.

Mumsyblouse · 08/11/2013 11:58

And- why should you text the host mum about this and threaten the police? That's your friendship over effectively.

Keep out of it it won't end well.

BuntyPenfold · 08/11/2013 11:59

Cross posted with everyone else.

amicissimma · 08/11/2013 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DazzleU · 08/11/2013 12:01

And- why should you text the host mum about this and threaten the police? That's your friendship over effectively.

I was thinking that would be helpful to avoid involving the police and let- and get it sorted as OP friend already knows she is involved due to previous phone calls.

But yea might be better if Op paid phone and actually did threaten the the Op friend with police and would get OP out of the situation sooner.

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