WIBU to confront adult DD about her eating habits?

[oncomingstorm]

Wasn't sure where to post. DD is in her 20s, has a very demanding job and is foster carer to DFGD. Looking back I think she may have had issues with food as a teenager but nothing was ever diagnosed, probably my fault as I just didn't see it as an issue at the time.

She's now in her late 20s and I'm worried she's not eating properly. She lives about 3 hours away so I don't see her regularly, but the last few times we've spoken on the phone she's seemed very withdrawn. When she visited with DFGD over half term I was concerned about the amount she was eating, in hindsight perhaps I should have tried to talk to her about it then but I'm very conscious I don't want to make this into a big deal. Her cousin was diagnosed with anorexia 3 years ago, on the other side of the family a lot of her relatives are overweight/obese, DD has always been very conscious of how she, in her words, 'doesn't want to end up like them.' She's been losing weight steadily for about two years but I would have put her at the heavier end of healthy rather than overweight before that. I thought when I saw her last week she was starting to look as though she's lost too much weight- again, I'm very conscious after my sister's experience with my niece that I don't want to make this into a big deal and make matters worse.

Just not sure what do to really, any advice would be appreciated.

She's an adult. You can offer your opinion, but don't be surprised if she doesn't listen.

Mm, confront is the wrong word, talk to gently. If there is a problem you could offer her a glimmer of hope of getting help. It might not make a difference straight away but it will be there in the back of her mind for when she is ready to seek help. And if there isn't a problem, she should respect that you're only asking because you care.

That's a bit cold, Tee. This is her daughter.

OP, do you think she sounds depressed? Is she struggling with her foster daughter? Is she lonely or isolated? Is she in a relationship?

If she went from being single to being a foster carer, it's likely she's going to find it hard to adjust. How old is her foster daughter? Are they happy together? Does she have close friends?

I think if she was happy, her eating problems might resolve themselves.

Think how you would want to be treated by your own (or an ideal) mother if you were withdrawn and losing weight too quickly. Would you rather talk face to face? If so a visit to her might be needed. Does she find it easier to talk on the phone or to write things down?

I'm just concerned I don't want DD to get to the point my niece did. All else aside it would be far more difficult to get her help, when my niece was diagnosed she was still living at home and under 18 so it was far easier for my sister and her DP to take control than it would be for me to now.

Imperial I've been worried about that for a while, she and her long term boyfriend separated about 6 months ago, she's also had fairly major surgery in the last few months. She does have close friends but relocated for work a while ago and hasn't really made many where she is now. Her foster daughter is 7, she was a difficult placement but they've been doing extremely well as far as I know. She has demonstrated similar behaviour before when she was a teenager, unfortunately I didn't see it for what it was at the time so I can't say for certain how much of it was the result of being unhappy.

Normally she finds it easier to talk on the phone, but over the past few weeks we've gone from speaking every couple of days to her rarely answering the phone, I now maybe speak to her once a week.

Well, as a grown daughter, I'd not appreciate my mother commenting on my eating habits.

If that's cold, so be it.

Could it be that she is one of those people who lose their appitite when stressed? I'm like that - a lot of people reach for the biscuits and comfort eat, but for a lot of people, they react to stressful/difficult times by losing the desire to eat. It doesn't mean that they have any more of an eating disorder than people who go the other way, but it's seen as more of a problem.

Is she eating relatively healthily or obsessing about what she has?

Alternatively, it could be she's controlling her diet if it's one of the few things she can control right now.

She could be DontmindifIdo, she has been under more pressure before and not stopped eating though. She's more obsessing about what she does eat, from what I've seen she's been only eating 'healthy' foods but she's still very restrictive with herself over quantities. But then how much you can tell about the general picture from a week I don't know. My worry is that if this is a slippery slope then I'm not going to see her now until Christmas and she hasn't really got anyone where she's living at the moment to be looking out for her.

It's hard to say without actually seeing her.

The reason I say this is because so many times I've picked up a magazine and seen a fairly overweight man/woman staring up at me from the page.

Then I go on to read that they've lost an amazing amount of weight and have become slimmer of the year or something.

Now to the people who knew them before, I'm sure they look extremely slim...but to me they just looked like overweight people.

So with you not seeing her every day, you might subconsciously be expecting her to never really change...then when you suddenly see her you may think she's slimmer than others do if that makes sense?

Only eating healthy foods and restricting her quantities isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it?

My sister had anorexia as a teenager and sometimes gets terribly thin, she is 45 and a mother of 3 and quite frankly we (me and our parents) are too frightened to talk about it incase it makes the situation worse. Try to talk to a professional about how best to talk to her about your concerns but also be aware that she might lie or retreat from you. I wouldn't recommend talking on the phone about this, face to face.