Cant stand it anymore! advice please

[hightidebaby]

Basically I may post this is the wrong place but it has a few aspects to it and i really need some advice (sorry its long)

So I woke up this morning after a terrible nights sleep to my next door neighbours having a domestic AGAIN, I'm pretty sure he hits her and after something thudding against my wall that made my wardrobe shake, I decided to phone the police. Many people might say its nothing to do with me but after hearing her saying 'please don't hurt me', I'm not one to just ignore it. So I rang the police, they turned up after the guy had left and she was now crying in her flat.
We live in a big house converted into flats so walls are thin (we all rent) . I heard the whole police convo, she slammed the door on the and was like 'i was arguing on the phone' .. rubbish. They left and rang me to say that she said nothing happened, but there going to add her on the protective list just incase she or anyone else rings the m about her... because she PREGNANT... when they told me this i literally was shocked because there always smoking weed in there flat. As I am also pregnant I'm finding it so hard to deal with the smell and im worried about my unborn child. But when her other half came home he shouted very rude abuse through the flat at the top of his voice basically saying he was going to get the person who rang the police. So from also smelling weed every night, being woken up by loud noises from them every other day, I was today scared to leave my own home to go to University. I really don't know what to do. I'm worried the stress will have an effect on me and i have terrible sickness and finding it hard already at 12 weeks, and also my unborn because of the stress and weed.

any advice is fantastic, please I dont know what to do :(

Move out?

The contract ends in September , so no can do :/

I think you have to move too. They're not going to change, so you either have to put up with it, or move away yourself.

You have to find a way out of the contract I'm afraid. They aren't going to change and unless they move away you will live in constant fear. Are all the flats owned by the same person? If you know who their landlord is maybe you could tell them whats going on. Especially the illegal drugs. Good luck op.

Check out the shelter website about your contract-I seem to remember that you can get out of it if you give two months notice. Depends on the contract but do Google them and have a look-sorry I can't do links on the phone.

And I hope you feel better yourself soon too. 12 weeks can be a turning point for sickness.

And your poor neighbour. Do you ever chat to her? She might need a friend

Hightide,

you poor thing! This is the last thing you need when you are pregnant and feeling ill. I am assuming you can't just move out, because you would have already?

Re the woman next door, if he is beating her up then she will be too scared to talk to the police about it. THis is the problem with DV issues. In the old days the police used to ask the victim if they wanted to prefer charges while the abuser was still in the room -hopefully this has changed. Her life must be hell, and I think you have done what you can. She must know the risks of smoking drugs while pregnant. You have informed the police and they will take the necessary steps (hopefully). I know this sounds selfish, but you are carrying a life, so you have to think about your own health and safety now, because you are not just 'you' anymore. She is not your problem now, you have done what you can, and that must have been a brave thing to do. Well done for that.

Re breathing in the residue of the drug, I don't know what the impacts are or how realistic it is that you would be affected by it. I know that second hand cigarette smoke can cause changes which can allow plaque to build up in arteries and therefore the placenta, contributing to underweight babies. But I don't know if this drug would do that, or if it could, if you are in close enough proximity to suffer. I think it's unlikely, but I don't know your circumstances and am not a doctor. But I think this is the third thing for you to worry about. The first is your personal safety, re the guy next door threatening you. The second is the impact of the stress this is causing.

So, what practical things can you do to improve your situation? Can you move out/away, even for a few days? Do you have a friend you can get to come to stay for a few days? Is your flat rented - do you have a landlord you can complain to about the noise?

I send you hugs, but I wish I could offer more practical help. I don't know if speaking to the police about your own safety is something you can do? Hopefully someone who can offer better advice will post soon.

XXXXXXX

OK, firstly weed smells very strong, but you are not personally ingesting it, only smelling it. So put that to the back of your mind. You can't passive smoke through walls, it really is because is smells so strongly that you're aware of it at all.

Wrt the police call, do you think they will figure out it was you? How many other flats share walls with them/how many in your block? (You don't have to give this information out to us if you don't feel comfortable about it, simply trying to help you see how likely it is that his attention will fall on you). If you feel it is likely that he will work out it is you, then you have to plan from there in terms of when you move out. I do think you should move out, it's just a case of whether it's worth breaking your contract or not.

There will be advice services at university who will be able to help and support you through this. So please, go in tomorrow and make contact.

I am not going to try and minimise the risk of this man 'getting' you because I think you have to trust your own instincts. But most abusers don't start abusing on day 1 - they spend time breaking down their victim's confidence and self-esteem first. I think it's unlikely a man who is hitting his partner will start hitting another woman - they don't work like that. However, it is impossible to be sure of course. My advice would be to not let it trap you in the flat, to go out tomorrow when it's light and people are around, get yourself to uni and seek advice and support.

I think it's unlikely a man who is hitting his partner will start hitting another woman

Sorry, I expressed that very poorly. What I'm trying to say is, he is only hitting her after a sustained period of breaking down her defences and making sure she won't call the police. You are not her, you have already shown you will call the police - I don't think he's going to walk up to you in the street and attack you because you aren't showing the 'victim' profile he will be looking for. GAh, I'm really not explaining this well, but hopefully you understand what I mean.

That said, trust your instincts.

I think you should try to get out if you can.

I would maybe suggest letting the police know that you have heard neighbour making threats against you so that they can be aware that you might have a problem too. Maybe they could give you a panic button or something.

You did the right thing by phoning the police, even if it doesn't seem like it immediately.

I agree with others who suggest you talk to your uni accom officer to try to get out of your contract asap.

Unfortunately you can't change his behaviour, but you can try and look after yourself as best you can. Good luck.

Havent seen your tenancy but most tenancies are either 6 months or 12. If 12, you are allowed to serve 2 months' notice to quit after the expiry of 6 months after the start date. If you quit prior to then you will face penalties, but see what the agreement says they are. Even if you find another person to take your flat, you may well still stand to be liable for the rest of the term of the tenancy. Can't comment without seeing it.

Does it say anything about noise or nuisance? You may be able to get landlord to sort out the nuisance issue, but take your tenancy agreement to Citizen's Advice or your SU accommodation people.

You need to get out if you can, because I suspect you may not feel safe, even if the guy next door goes.

It's a bit trite to say he's a bully, because he's clearly a violent abuser, but he does play on weakness, as WilsonFrickett says.

And as WF says, depending on how many flats are around you (and noise carries in old converted flats -so that's one on either side maybe, plus one below and either side of that, and one one above and on either side of that. That's a lot of people who might have called the police. But, do consider talking to the police. Hopefully there will also be someone at SU who can advise. XX

Meantime, keep calling the police every time something happens and every time you smell drugs. If it is a block there is no way he can tell it was you.