Shouted at during work meeting

[Gryffindor]

I have just returned to work after 8 weeks off (fell ill on holiday - very genuine, work provided with certificates, accompanying GP letters etc).

I work in a very stressful environment, think male-dominated, high-pressure, long hours etc. On my first day back I joined an audio call with 5 colleagues from across my organisation who sit in different teams. One man, who I have had some issues with in the past (he can be very intimidating, and has said work-related things that he later denies) shouted at me after about 30 seconds and said:

"Shut up Gryffindor, you are really annoying me".

Unfotunately, this is nothing unusual, but after being ill and also out of the work mentality for 2 months it has really upset me. I hadn't even said anything controversial, I had literally just started talking. Unfortunately, I work in an unpopular function which is often villified for "hindering business".

My direct boss is lovely and supportive, but despite being a huge household name organisation there is literally no support in place for people (particularly senior men) to be accountable for their actions. Far from being an isolated incident, this kind of thing happens all the time, I just feel as though my armour has been chinked and I'm struggling to move on. AIBU to be upset?

Conversely, if women behave in anything other than a demure manner we are criticised for being "agressive" and recommended to have training in influencing and communicating. Total double standards.

Sorry, this is a total rambling mess but even writing it out is helping me feel better.

good on you! Small but personal gratification.

I can sympathise with yo to be honest. I get the impression that it is not really this incident that is getting you down but the relentlessness of dealing with this shit day in day out and watching people you know are prime arseholes get rewarded time after time.

I work in a sector that is really not thought of as being tough and do what you would imagine to be a pretty u controversial job. However, it is clear that basic cuntishness never gets dealt with. There is one guy where I work who spent 10 minutes shouting and swearing at me in a meeting then had the cheek to complain about me to my manager. He is well known for doing this and has had a number of formal complaints made against him, yet he has just been promoted to a very senior role. It makes my blood boil.

I feel your pain, Gryffindor! Sadly, this is how a lot of large companies operate. Most employees don't realise because they are too far removed from senior management. All sorts of underhand dealings, fraud and corruption goes on. You just need to start googling company names.

I just accept business for what it is now and mentally make fun of some of the jumped up idiots I work with. I've turned it into a game and don't take it too seriously. If you want to work in a caring and ethical business then banking is probably not a good choice.

I wouldn't really classify this incident as bullying, but I would say that I do often feel bullied when a group of men in this part of the business "gang up" on me by shouting, emailing my boss to complain about me because they don't like my decisions. and treat the men who work for me as if they are my superior.

Regularly, they will FW on my emails to other people, who are almost always junior to me, along the lines of "Gents, what are we going to do about Gryffindor?" - it is such an old boy's club.

I do often feel that if I were a man, doing my job would be a hell of a lot easier. In just doing my job I am often painted as being irrational, OTT, a bit of a bitch etc. Even though hardly any of my decisions are ever overturned by my line management.

I am the only woman working at my grade, and there are only a tiny of minority of women in senior mgt anywhere in this division, right up to the CEO.

Surprised nobody has tried to guess my bank!

I don't know if this is similar OP but I used to be a national credit control manager for a major worldwide name company that every single person on MN has heard of. I had all this crap.

In the end I used to be really quite abusive back.

I shudder now when I think about it but I remember saying to one particular assclown, "Are you drunk?" and telling another to "Shut the fuck up!" I now earn less than half what I used to but nobody speaks to me like that any more.

How have you dealt with this behaviour in the past?

Email the culprit. Short, to the point, and exact in your description of what you are pissed off about. Don't make your email longer than three sentences, if possible. And, no matter WHAT he responds, DO NOT REPLY. He will then know you have created a paper trail. And are not playing ball.

Don't put up with it. But don't play into his court.

gryffindor: UK bank is my guess - these can be the worst in terms of this type of behaviour in my view. I suspect I can guess a shortlist of "unpopular functions" you work in too

I hate to say this but can you consider taking a new job at another bank? This sounds like a tricky situation and while it's deeply unfair that there is no accountability for these men, it sounds like you'd have to have a very thick skin to complain enough to make a difference.

I guess Barclays!

I've been sitting thinking what I would say if someone ever speaks to me like that on a con-call (I like to be prepared as my mind would go blank at the time).

I think maybe something like "Okaaaay, I shall leave you gentlemen to it and not can contact me when you want my advice. Bye!"

Or something. I think it could be improved upon. Open to suggestions.

and YOU can contact me*

Damn.

Sounds crap Gryffindor, perhaps you could tell the twat his breathing is annoying you and would he kindly stop, please.

A guess at your bank - is it the one recently in the news being fined/investigated for "fiddling" libor rates?

Gryffindor, I am absolutely certain we work in the same field ("hello is that the business prevention unit?" Ha bloody ha). Can you speak to someone at a more senior level in your function and ask them for advice on how to handle people like that twat you're putting up with? Or speak to someone else in the meeting or on the call before it starts and ensure you will have back up for when he gets difficult. Perhaps meet with a couple of other stakeholders before the call so if he tries to derail you they might chip in as they will have already established that they have an interest in what you have to say. Otherwise, start practising put downs and get your thick skin back asap. I'm just back from mat leave and it has taken me a good 6 weeks to properly toughen up again!

The minute I read your OP, I knew it would be banking and my guess is that you work in compliance. Depressing as it is to admit, I'd find a new job if I was you.

Laugh it off - someone says you're annoying them - lol and continue with what you're saying. People complain - you keep going. How would these men react if you said they were annoying -Adopt the tactics of the other side to win this

I'd probably get this thread deleted, and start an anonymous blog telling the whole world what lovely people I work with.

I once had someone shout at me in a meeting.

I got up and looked stratight at him and said "I don't have to listen to this abuse. When you want to apologise to me you'll find me in my office'.

I then walked clamly out of the room.

He came to my office about 10 minutes later to apologise.

Never let bullying behaviour go unchecked - you'll make yourself a bigger target.

With the benefit of hindsight...

A slow lift of the head, and direct eye contact, followed with..., ..., ...'P.AA.RDON.'

"lets keep this call professional lets move on quickly"

it must be barclays

Hmmm, do you work in compliance?

Fwiw, having worked in the industry for many years before becoming a sahm, I think some men in banking can be cunts and the system is geared to it.

I recall working in a support function with my future husband. His boss gave me a right bollocking ov something that was not wrong and part of my job. After we got together dh said it was his boss just trying to assert his superiority over mine boss. Stupid little power plays and games. Hope you are ok op

I would guess you work in Risk/audit, can imagine as my previous life was banking.

It all sounds pretty toxic and the company culture isn't going to change any time soon. Unless you can truly suck it up you need to vote with your feet I think.

Mind you, it's actually quite reassuring to hear this from other women in the workplace. I'm sure friends and family think some of the things that I've seen and heard are a figment of my imagination.

I'm quite shocked at how many of you are prepared to just accept this kind of behaviour is acceptable, it's so incredibly depressing that treating your work colleagues and employees like shit is seen as just the way things are.

What a pathetic piece of shit that man is.

I like wetaugust's story. Would it be possible to try something along those lines?

OP
if I was in your shoes I'd go for the full on She-wolf approach.
I get called a rottweiler as a compliment (to my face and in writing)
so
full on heels, knee length but v v tailored skirt, glossy tights, fitted jacket with sharp shoulders
not much makeup and plenty of grey hair showing
and then I DARE them to contradict me (I'm internal audit by the way)
and any who start giving grief are physically backed into corners during coffee and invited to 'clarify' points
they shrivel and never try it again