To ask how to handle this situation (DD friendship related)?

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I have 3 good friends that I met when DD was at nursery. She is now 9. These friends have been very good friends to me and are all lovely. They each have a DD the same age as my DD and they all attend the same school.

DD has never hung around at school with any of these three girls but has always got on well with them all, both at school and out of school. DD has a best friend and her teacher says she is sociable and popular at school. One of my friend's DD's, I'll call her Annie, is quite spoilt and likes things her own way, as she gets her own way constantly at home.

Basically for the past couple of months these three girls, with Annie being the ringleader, have been unpleasant to DD at school. DD is very confident, and nasty behaviour doesn't normally bother her, but it's starting to bother her now as the girls keep coming up to her at school and calling her weird, trying to get others not to play with her, and forming gangs against her. During the half term we all met up at one of my friend's houses and I saw for myself a bit of the nastiness. DD would speak to the girls and they all kept whispering and I saw in the garden that the other three kept running off without DD. Then DD said when we got home that upstairs Annie hadn't let her into her bedroom, and had allowed the other two in there but DD had to play in their spare room.

On the first day of school I spoke to DD's teacher and explained the situation. She is lovely and said she would keep an eye on things, and indeed that day the girls made DD cry (sat on her table and lunch and kept pulling faces at her and calling her things) and she told the teacher, who told them all off. They then proceeded to cry and get others involved, telling them that DD had been horrid to them, which DD also told the teacher about and the teacher sorted that too.

DD says for the past few days the name calling has stopped but that whoever she is playing with these girls keep coming up and whispering to them and telling them not to play with her. She's pretty upset about it and quite frankly so am I. We saw Annie tonight on the way out of school and she walked past DD with her nose in the air.

Part of me wants to speak to my friends about it but I don't know if I'm better off just speaking to the teacher and letting the school deal with it, as I've found, through experience when my teenage DD was younger, that it's better not to get parents involved as they will never be objective. I don't want to fall out with my friends, as they have been good friends to me, but at the same time I want to nip this in the bud. Obviously I won't be meeting up with my friends and the kids again, I'll just see my friends during the evenings. I wouldn't expect DD to have to socialise with the girls.

What should I do?

I just wanted to add too (don't want to dripfeed) that earlier in the year Annie had a sleepover and when DD got back from there the next day she was upset and said Annie had been horrible to her all night, calling her names. They seemed to be friends again on the Monday at school, so I just put it down to one of those things.

God, children can be vile to one another.

I would keep talking to the teacher as this is bullying and can't go on. Your poor DD :(

I'm meant to be meeting up with the other mums on Friday morning but even though I like them it's making me feel like cancelling as I don't really want to be in their company whilst this is all going on.

I think you're right to let school handle it, and also not to try to get your DD to play with your friends' kids. At DS's school they had a whole-class 'chat' about bullying and how it makes others feel - might be worth suggesting something similar? Then it doesn't single anyone out which can make it worse I think.

I think you're doing all the right things. Carry on as you are doing, don't involve the other parents. Maybe make a special big effort for your dd to see her nice friends out of school too.

Hugs for your dd too, this must be so tricky for her. Keep letting her know how special and loved she is by you.

I would continue to go through the school, push them to do more. For such a prolonged period it is bullying and they should have a plan of action.

In regards to the time you spend with this girl and her mum outside school, I think that the next time an invite arises, I would say (very nicely) that you don't think DD will want to go because of what happened last time and at the sleepover, that you were hoping it was just a blip but as its happened more than once your DD is being a bit shy. I'd make noises about them hopefully growing out of it because you'll all be friends for years etc.

Keep the in school stuff in school and deal with what happens outside of that.

God I just couldn't not mention it to my friend. If I found out my child was doing this to another child I would go bat shit crazy at him, not try and defend him. I think as parents we know our children, including the bad bits, and I suspect if you talk to your friend she will know her daughter is capable. To my mind she is the most likely able to sort this properly.

So I think a meet up between the two if you and you need to very carefully explain what has been going on and say you are at a loss as to the best way of dealing with it.

The other mums didn't seem to really notice the behaviour when we met up in half term. I think because I was aware of the situation, I was quite tuned into it and observed them all together more than usual.

I'm not sure if Annie's mum will see things objectively. Annie is the apple of her eye and to an extent can do no wrong. That's kind of why I'm hanging back about talking to her about it.

This is bullying, it is name calling, intimidation and ostracising.
Keep on at the school and if nothing happens then I think you gently do have to broach it with your friends. True friends will listen to what you say and question their children. (No child is above bullying).
That said, it probably is a time of re-negotiating friend groups at school and learning how to grow up. These things happen. As long as they are addressed and the behaviour changes, you can move on. She sounds like a confident happy child and you want that to continue.

No I don't expect they did notice which is why you need to point it out, although in a way that doesn't sound aggressive.

I also doubt she would be objective, most parents aren't about this type of thing.

I wouldn't say it to her as if you expect her to do something just say it like a fact, as if you're stating the obvious but in a polite sweetness and light type voice.

I don't think i could not say anything if my friends child was bullying mine.

I would speak to Annie's mum about it. If she is a good friend she will take it on board and address the issues. I'd be mortified if Dd was bullying another child and my friend felt she couldn't talk to me about it.

If it is happening out of school aswell i would speak to annies mum.

My dd is the apple of my eye but if she did something wrong she would get punished for it.

The other thing is that if it ever becomes obvious that youve talked to the school and not your friends tha t could be the end of your friendship as i think as a friend you would expect the parent to come to you first, well i would anyway. Obviously you have to tread carefully but it sounds like this needs to get sorted and to be hoenst they are going to guess something is up if you start avoiding coffee dates and not wanting to spend time with them. You could start by saying the children don't seem to be getting on very well at the moment ..........as opposed to x is bullying my dd

Oh OP I feel your pain. I have exactly this scenario with a friend and her DS and my DS. We really are good friends but she is the same as the mother you describe, she doesn't believe her children can do any wrong, or rather, believes them 100% when they lie through their teeth and deny any wrong doing. Just the other week this boy booted DS's school bag whilst it was on his back. As he ran of he laughed and said 'I'm going to do that every time I see you now'. It upset my DS, it was on the way home from school and had shocked him. His bag was full and heavy and had whacked him on the back of his head. There have been so many things like this that I just let go I thought enough is enough. I phoned her, told her what happened, her ds completely denied it happened, she believed him (therefore my ds must be making it up). Anyway I left it, I hadn't seen it so what could I do?

Few days later another mum came to me, and told me she witnessed the whole thing, it happened exactly the way DS described. I haven't told my friend this, still debating whether to or not . No real harm was done, just frustrating because it's another thing in a long, long list of things that has happened.

However, I wouldn't personally go to the school about her DS without warning her first. I think if I did that it would be the end of our friendship which I do value greatly.

From what you've described your daughter is being bullied. I think you should speak to the other mothers and as diplomatically as possible explain what is going on. Quite often, I believe, children are nasty to others simply because they think they won't get found out. Bringing it up with them might at least stop it continuing further because this girl will be aware that you won't stand for it.

Argh, it's such a difficult situation. I really am going to make a mental note not to be good friends with anymore mums from school as it just proves a hassle in the long run.

I'm going to speak to DD's teacher first thing in the morning. DD has said that these three girls are all sitting together in class (DD is on a different table next to theirs) and that they all talk about her in class too. I think the first step the teacher should do is to separate them all. I think that would be fairly effective as it would stop some of the whispering and also stop any plotting about things they are going to say/do to DD at breaktimes.

Ask for an appointment with teacher.
Please let school deal with .
You know Annie's mum, just, WON'T BE ABLE to.
Don't say anything to the 3 mums.
Just distance yourself, for a while.

They always say, Let school deal with it. They say this for a reason.

My dd had just about the exact situation at the same age.

The other mother (of the ringleader) was a complete cow about it and got her dd to say some vile and untrue things about mine. There was a lot of whispering and others not being allowed to play with my dd (by the cow child ringleader). School never really effectively stopped it. Each individual incident was dealt with but I feel like the whole picture should have been looked at and there should have been a few temporary exclusions in there to bang the message home that it would not be tolerated.

I think separating the girls is a good plan to begin with. But I'd ask her to take each and every incident into account. Each needs to be logged with school.

That's my thinking too, Oblomov. I've made the mistake in the past of speaking to a mum who's DD was being horrible to my eldest DD (very politely) and she was having none of it, and it just basically made the whole thing worse, plus she then refused to speak to me for ages. It left a nasty taste in my mouth and I made a mental note to just let school deal with any things in future.

I had a much milder version of this, and the dd of my friend told her mum she was being mean, the mum went crazy and was mortified I didn't tell her. I didn't think to tell her because it was a school thing and it was mild, but it made me think that I would in future. The other mum believed that they didn't have to be friends at school, but as their families are friends they should have each others backs as it were, which I thought was a good way to look at it. No nastiness occurred after the mum found out, they kept away from each other for a good while, and now they are nice to each other but not close IYSWIM.

I had a very similar situation. I got the school to deal with it rather than talking to the mums who were my friends. I also got ds moved from the class. He was a changed child after! I later found out the worst of the bullying happened when ringleaders dad had an affair and left home so I'm glad I didn't mention it at the time to the mum who gaff enough on her plate. It also helped explain the bullying but didn't help my ds

Noideaatall's idea about asking the teacher to do a whole class chat (we call it circle time) would be an ideal way for everyone to talk generally about the things your DD is going through at the moment.

OP, no names are used but the teacher would carefully introduce examples of things that are happening to your DD and ask the pupils to talk about it, discuss whether it is bullying (it is), offer suggestions about what a classmate could do if on the receiving end, or, doing the bullying.

Bringing it all out into the open is really helpful and will give your DD confidence to report any further incidents, get support from other classmates etc.

Its a tricky one, usually Id def say let the school handle it and agree completely with Oblomov. On the other hand, if I found out a good friend had been into school about my daughter bullying their daughter and hadn't told me, Id be gutted and question the friendship.I agree, better not to be good friends with school friends parents but unfortunately I am ! Funnily enough we had this conversation the other day and we all agreed we'd want to be told but I guess only you know the personalities of these mothers and hopefully it will be kept confidential

I think if you're not going to tell the other mums what is happening, then you need to distance yourself from them anyway.

Having suffered hideous verbal bullying (and ostracising) whilst at secondary school I feel your daughter's pain. And she needs to know that to you she comes before anything else, including friends.

I do also think that sometimes the school holds a lot more sway over the kids in a school environment. One of the Mums was aware of what was going on with her kid and mine, and I know she felt awful about it, and spoke to her son, but it didn't make any difference. When they are in school, their parents do not know what they are up to, but school do. And they are very concious of being hauled in front of the head etc.