Mum just passed and F/B pics

[salsmum]

Firstly my DM has been in a nursing home receiving 'end of life care' I had a feeling she wouldn't make it to Christmas My DB visited for the first time in 10 years (he lives abroad) and since moving abroad has become very religious..BUT when he went to see DM who was bed bound he took a series of photos of him holding DMs hand at her bedside where he said a few prayers over her...the very next hour the pics appear on F/B ( DM looks awful,thin and v.frail) my DB looks like he's giving her the last rites!.. I mentioned to him that DM would not have been pleased..(if she'd have been without her Dementia) to have people (strangers on F/B ) see her that way...DB didn't see it as a problem when I mentioned this to him so I left it at that (after letting him know of my upset)...He went back home abroad. I mentioned it to my DS when he rang shortly afterwards. My DM sadly passed away yesterday and low and behold today my DIL has changed her profile pic on F/B to a pic of her and her DM taken in April getting ready for her wedding to my DS....AIBU to think that this is quite insensitive of her??? She does change her profile pic from time to time but usually it features her/her with friends or my DS..never her DM? I am obviously still raw with my DM passing and not looking forward to having to liaise with my DSis and other DB whom I'm estranged to.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP. Please try not to let this get to you too much. I can totally understand how seeing pictures of your ill mother so vulnerable like that would have been upsetting.

Facebook really is the devil during situations like these. Sometimes people are being very insensitive, and sometimes they see it as a way to honour a loved one. It wouldn't be what i would choose but it really never ceases to amaze me what others think is suitable to post for all their friends and family to see and read. Perhaps you could hide your DB and SIL's Facebook pages from your newsfeed until you're feeling a bit stronger?

Thank you for that reply KFMP it just seemed with my DB that he was doing it to satisfy his own ego especially as the reply messages were from his 'church friends' saying 'praise the Lord that your DM was 'blessed' to have you praying over her etc..etc.. please don't think that I'm knocking his religion but after watching her suffer first hand with this awful Dementia I found it very hard to be 'thankful' for her fate and she really did look near death ... I have worked in elderly care and just found this a tad disrespectful . x

It can be really hard to swallow sometimes, can't it? I remember after a death in my family I was raging at all the "Everything happens for a reason", and "God works in mysterious ways". I did a lot of walking outside counting to ten!

There are people who like to be the star, the most important person in every situation. They like to milk occasions like this and Facebook is the perfect vehicle for that. If you get angry and upset about it they make out you're the unreasonable one. Try not to give it much head space. Leave them and their friends to it, disengage. You need to be thinking about your DM, arrangements for her, just getting through the next few weeks. Surround yourself with people who will be kind and supportive, and concentrate on your mum. Xxx

And you're right that it's disrespectful, by the way, no question.

salsmum I am so sorry for your loss. My MIL has dementia as well, and I would never post a picture of her as she is now. She was a dignified woman and would be mortified if she knew.
I am with you on your brother being insensitive to post those photo's. I totally get that, I know I would hate to think someone put a photo of me at my worst on the internet. He should put up an older picture of her when she was vibrant and alive, that is the memory he needs to cling to.
Your DIL, that would be ok with me. She may be trying to cheer up your DS with happy memories?

DIL won't even have made the connection, so please don't take her profile pic as any sort of deliberate action. The very worst she can be guilty of is having been reminded that her own mother (who she probably doesn't think of often) is around and felt the need to nurture that relationship whilst she still has it. Other people's grief often makes us grateful for what we have, so it would be natural for her to want to cement that whilst she still can. Not insensitive at all. Grief makes us very raw.

DB clearly felt the need to do what he believed was his duty. I imagine it was his way of dealing with his mother's illness (in the same way that you believe her memory should not be tarnished with images of her looking frail).

We all deal with sickness and death differently, and mostly we do it alone and in our own way.

Maybe step away from fb completely until your feelings are not so raw?

I'm so sorry for your loss - wishing you strength and courage.

If you're estranged, don't be friends with them on Facebook?

I am sorry following this major loss you have this to deal with. I can only say from my own experience people often react to bereavement in surprising and frequently upsetting ways. DB may have his own way of regarding your DM's passing and his 'role' (if any). You know the facts of his input over the previous decade, his friends overseas may be oblivious. Your DSis and other B aren't guaranteed to equal or surpass his behaviour. You could be pleasantly surprised by support.

Fwiw I agree with earlier posters, and don't think I'd take DIL's change of picture amiss. I won't say yabu to notice and find it one more thing to be vexed by because right now you are coping with losing your DM and are emotionally battered. If you and DM were close you have that and no-one else's actions can take that away from you.

I would tell them straight out to get the photos off the internet and explain how offensive it is to betray your mothers dignity like that. Report the photos, they are abusive to her memory. Most people would hate to have some idiot post photos of them at their most vulnerable like that and it's up to other people to tell them how obnoxious and invasive they're being.

There really needs to be laws on what morons can post of OTHER people....

When my mum died, I changed my profile pic to one of me and her on my wedding day. When my FIL died, many family members changed theirs to ones of him, or ones of them with him.

I dont find it all disrespectful at all.

Sorry for your loss .

YANBU about your brother's actions - I think most people would understand why you feel it is disrespectful, even if they don't necessarily agree. I think that all you can do is hide him from your news feed though.

In the nicest possible way, YABU about your DIL changing her profile picture to one of herself and her own mother on her wedding day. It's badly timed, but I really doubt that she realised it might hurt you. Maybe your loss has reminded her of how much she values her DM or made her feel a bit vulnerable, and she therefore used the picture because it felt comforting or appropriate, without thinking about the wider context?

Other people's benign self-absorption can be hurtful when you're going through a difficult time, so maybe it would be better for you to leave FB to its own devices until you're feeling less fragile.

Sorry for your loss salsmum. I would feel aggrieved at what your brother did - so self-serving and pious. I can't imagine how he asked someone else to take that photograph - what was he thinking during what I imagine should have been a sacred, special moment? Why the need to publicise it?

Your DIL's changing of her profile pic is perhaps a strange one. Perhaps she was reminded of the preciousness of her relationship with her own mother but she might have thought it through a bit first. Perhaps give her the benefit of the doubt.

One tip, keep away from FB. People can seem awfully mawkish and if your own grief is something you like to keep off social media then it can seem really insensitive.

Look after yourself at this difficult time.

Your DB sounds a bit out of order but your DIL sounds like she's doing it as a kind if honour thing. A friend recently died, they meant a lot to so many people and quite clickly a lot of people had photos with him on Facebook. It's just a way of showing love. I think what your DIL did is actually a good thing. She means well.

And I'm very sorry for your loss. Feel free to rant away on here, you just be struggling

Another who thinks the DIL putting a profile PIC up of her with her own mum was probably a subconscious thing and not intended as a slight.

That said you are not in the wrong for being upset that she didn't show a little more thought.

I have been in a similar position (SIL posting about how glad she was her DCs had each other a few hours after she'd learnt our last go at ivf ended in miscarriage and our DS would always be an only child) and I know how much it hurts.

If you DIL is respecting your feelings by not posting on Facebook about your DM's death then that's a good thing.

Be kind to yourself. Grief and fury go hand in hand and it can be very hard to swing from one to the other.

I'm sorry too but clicked on this because I couldn't understand the title. Is it American to say Passed instead of Died?

Wow PicaK that's awful. WTF was she thinking! Stupid cow.

I believe many people say passed on or passed away. Is it relevant to this thread?

I sympathise about the picture of your ill DM on FB. Someone in my DH's family put a picture of DH's grandma very ill in bed after she passed and I was . Can't believe people would be so insensitive to do that.
The other part of your post I agree less. If the other pictures were of your DM being happy and while still healthy then I think it's fine.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you all for your messages of sympathy it is a real comfort at this time when I'm having to be civilized with my other DB and DS whom I've been estranged from for nearly 10 years when dealing with Mums affairs...maybe I was a little harsh in respect of my DDIL but as said the timing wasn't great bimbabirba it wasn't my Mum that was in the pics with DDIL but her Mum. I always say someone has passed/passed away because working with elderly residents it is kinder to say passed/passed away instead of 'your Mum or Dad has died' and as a person who believes in spiritualism I like to think that people do 'pass on' to a better place. Picak I think that's a really awful thing to do . I can't understand how people can be so cruel and thoughtless . I did tell my DB that I thought putting the pic up of Mum ill was wrong and actually stated...'you do realize she is dying?' she would not want that pic up!..he said well she doesn't know does she??? GGGRRRR certainly not a very Christian way of thinking! next time he can stay at Travel Lodge I think I'll set alight to the spare bed .

Sorry about your mother. My mum's anniversary is coming up in a couple of days. It does get easier.

My SIL brought her two boys (mum's grandsons) into the ICU when she was dying, to 'say goodbye'. I know that mum would have HATED the boys to see her like that. Completely unconscious and hooked up to catheters/machines etc. It completely boiled my piss but I kept my mouth shut. So I can see how you feel about your DB. I'd have been furious. You know your mum wouldn't have appreciated it, and were well within your rights to tell him so.

Your DIL might have lovely memories of your mum, I can understand her putting up the pic. How do you think your mum might have felt about it?

Sorry, that ^^ reads that your DB shouldn't have visited. I didn't mean that. I used the SIL story to illustrate the overstepping of the boundary thing.

People deserve privacy at the end of their life, if that is what they would have wanted.