to want to rip DSDs stupid mothers head off

[fairy1303]

DSD lives with us full time.

Her mother consistently let's her down. Makes empty promises, swears she will be at plays, concerts, parties etc. She has failed to turn up to all. The last one I remember her being at DSD was 5. She is nearly 9 now.

DSD has recently started a new school as we have moved house.
We have to put her details on as mother as she is still in contact but DH has made it very clear that I am firat point of contact in emergency as I am at home and main carer. We had incident few years back when school called her, she didn't pick her up, didn't tell anyone, DH and I both worked an hour away from home at the time so DSD wasn't picked up for ages.

We have just found out that mum has been getting info texts from school she didn't tell us because 'they were just pointless annoying messages'.

We have dealt with the school now but it really annoys me that she wouldn't mention to us that she was getting them so that we could make sure WE got them!

The latest thing is, the other day I overheard mummy promising she would be picking up DSD from school next year. She has not discussed this with DH and has promised this many times before and never delivered.

I am just sooo angry and fed up with the whole thing. DH won't confront her so I'm in limbo.

In reality I know I can't do anything but would it BU to have even a gently word with her about please PLEASE not promising things she can't deliver on??

If someone had wrote "AIBU to want to rip DDs stupid SMs head off" and wrote the OP backwards, then no one would worry about the wording, and would realize its just a vent (or would be arguing that the SM should butt out).

To the OP, we are in exactly the same sort of situation, DSDs mum promising her the world, and giving her nothing, DSD is 5 and still believes it completely, and then is heartbroken when things dont happen how her mum said they would, you have my sympathies, but no advice unfortunately lol

dragon - she will get it as she gets a bit older - DSD has started to ask her mum questions now - 'but you promised that last time' etc.

But I still remember the devastated 5 year old sobbing in my lap, wearing her coat and boots because her mum had text at the last minute saying someone at work had gone sick and she couldn't have her (and at that point she was only having a few hours every month anyway).

I am tempted to speak to DSD - I think I will be honest (but gentle) - up until now I have given excuses, mummy is very busy etc etc, I think this time I will say 'sometimes people make promises, and at the time they absolutely mean them, but then things stop them from doing them, mummy doesn't have any means of transport and she may not be able to pick you up from school like she says she will'.

At least then she is prepared, a bit.
greenvelvet - I'm sorry if the wording of my title has offended you. I do have a terrible mouth at times particularly when I'm angry but surely you understand that it was a figure of speech and a way to let go of the anger somewhere where it won't have impact?

You are more of a mum than she will ever be, do not forget that.
Your Dsd bio mother sounds absolutely toxic, letting a little girl down like that-disgraceful.

Don't speak to this woman, she is nothing to you or your dsd. The school are the problem, they should never have had such contact with her in the first place as she isn't regular in her childs life and tbh is nothing but an egg doner, she's no mum, you are x

Thanks pumpkin.

I feel uncomfortable referring to her as an 'egg donor' though - she does see her now, reasonably regularly to be fair and is not abusive to her or particularly neglectful (compared to how she has been in the past!)

She just has no idea how to be a parent, how to put your child first, what having a child is like, and no inclination to learn.
DSD worships the ground she walks on, it's just a shame she is so low down on her mother's priority list.

fairy, I'm sure you've been told this many times before, but thank god for you being in this little girl's life. I can understand how protective you feel of her.

fairy you sound like an amazing mum to this little girl Your DH needs to get his act together though and stop taking the lazy option.

How can a mother treat her little girl like that. Thank god that she has you as a step mum.

"Remind DSD that sometimes people let us down which is sad but you and DH are always there for her. As she gets older she will see through the empty promises."

^This.

Fact is as mother has PR and you don't legally you don't have a leg to stand on, so stop trying to fight that battle.

Instead concentrate on building the resilience of your DSD.

What, out of interest, is it going to take for HER FATHER to get up and do something?

I'd go spare if someone treated MY DS like this, you are going spare because your DSD is being treated like this.

Why is your DH not raving? Why is he not laying down the law and giving this excuse for a human being a wake up call?

The text thing is irrelevant as she had no reason to tell you. I would have assumed that everyone was getting them. In that respect, you are letting your dislike of her colour your view.

As for the rest... there are feckless parents everywhere. Some children are not lucky enough to have one decent parent looking out for them.

DHs view is that she has a minimal role in DSDS life. When DSD lived with her when she was a baby, it was awful. Dirty, dragged here there and everywhere, no stability etc etc. He says that the way it is now is better than that, you can't force someone to be a decent parent and DSD would be devastated to not see her at all so it is the best of a bad situation.

I might not agree and if it was up to me I would be much more forceful but I do understand his reasonings.

you can't force someone to be a decent parent and DSD would be devastated to not see her at all so it is the best of a bad situation. I always wonder if this is true... If (both) our DSDs mums would just go away, would they be happier, sooner, rather than figuring it out on there own later having to be around instability, neglect, and people who dont put them first for years.

If someone who wasnt the mother behaved like that towards your child, would you allow them near your child again

Rambling lol, sorry, just confused by "mothers" that act this way, and wondering if the children would be better off if they just left well alone, yes it would be hard for a while, but i think that getting over that hurdle and having complete stability would be easier in the long run, than having ups and downs, and never really being sure of what they can do to make mummy want to come see the plays, the assemblies, and all the small things they want to share day to day.

Funnily enough, dragon, I was thinking the same today.

We got the school photos today - DSDs mum knows we have them (due to school cock up she got the message about them) - she hasn't asked for one.

The last one we gave her DSD had to ask her where it was, why there were no photos of her at her house :o

DSD asked me today if we were going to give mummy a photo.

Obviously we will but I part of me feels that it would be easier if she was just... out, rather than this half in half out situation.

I know a little girl who's mother never sees her, ever, has seen her three times? Since dad was given full custody when she was a few months old.

That is awful, sad, yes but sometimes I think she may have comes to terms with it better than DSD.

Honestly, DSD would be better off without that constantly cycling disappointment.

Long term, it would be best if you don't do all the legwork for this woman, let her make the effort.

She won't. But that's HER choice. It doesn't mean a thing about DSD.

She still calls this woman 'mummy'? At her age?

My son hasn't seen his dad for the last 3 years (abroad) skyped a couple of times, called (well I called him for DS) a few more.

My ex was abusive to me, and therefore terrifying to DS. DS missed him for a while, he does love him, but they have no real relationship. He still calls him Daddy.

He's called me Mum since he was 4. Only Mummy when he's telling me he loves me. :)

He's SO much happier as a person without the shouty man in our lives, his confidence is light years ahead of where it was because he doesn't have some sub-human chipping away at him.

Your DSD may well end up being a future stately homer* if she carries on having hopes raised and dashed and no consequences for this woman's woeful psychological neglect of her child.

*The Stately Homes thread is a thread on here that supports those of us that have grown up with dysfunctional parenting.

You and your husband have to counteract all the harm this woman does, so give her as little space as possible.

Don't offer the photo, if DSD wants to give it, that's ok, but don't rush around or make any effort at all to make this woman look like a normal parent. Begin to allow the truth to show through, and manage the required distancing.

Your H needs to have a proper age appropriate chat with his little girl and tell her that this is not what being a mother is, and that it's ok for her to love her mother, but not to expect anything of her.

He needs to have the people let you down conversation with her, and reinforce how much he and you care for and are there for her.

Ah, I meant to say that the theory I have about Mummy/mum Daddy/Dad is down to an infantile idea of a relationship rather than an actual one. They have to regress somehow to tap into it.

The school contact issue is easy to sort. I very unfortunately gave school an old mobile number gor my Ex. Very unfortunate. He hasn't copped on yet. Given that the majority of texts from school involve asking for money, i can't see him rushing to respond.

The school contact issue is easy to sort. I very unfortunately gave school an old mobile number gor my Ex. Very unfortunate. He hasn't copped on yet. Given that the majority of texts from school involve asking for money, i can't see him rushing to respond.

Interesting theory Hissy. But I am in my thirties and still call my parents Mummy and Daddy, as do my siblings. There is nothing infantile about our relationship with them, those were just the names we kept. I can think of several friends who are similar. Anyway, I'm going a bit off topic!

My school have never asked for contact details for my exH. It's like he doesn't exist.

Your DSD is very lucky to have you in her life.

If you are the one with the overbearing MIL then I think your DH has got a lot more stepping up to do - you seem to be carrying too many issues with his family and ex family for him.

I agree, katisha.

Is it the swimming costume stealing MIL?

FFS OP, you really have your hands full

Move to a fortress, that's my advice

No probs dancingwithmyselfandthecat it's more when the child has Mum for one and Daddy for the other, as in my case.

anyway, just me musing on my son's naming heirarchy..

No, the Swimsuit stealing MIL OP is married to a widow IIRC.

No, it's me.

I do have a lot on. I'm feeling particularly shit about it all.