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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset about this

40 replies

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 18:01

I've had to begin combined feeding my 5 month old baby for several reasons, the biggest of which is down to my ill health/tiredness slowing my milk production, leaving me with a hungry, dissatisfied baby that needs feeding every 1.5-2hours round the clock and bites and squirms when fed on what feels like an empty breast.

Combined feeding has changed all of that. But my husband keeps making formula bottles and feeding the baby rather than waiting for me to breastfeed. Today I fed baby at 5am and due to naps and appointments today, I've been beaten to it every time.

I am so upset by this but my husband says I am overreacting. I don't want to be hormonally crazy so ... what do you all think?

OP posts:

Spirulina · 05/11/2013 18:08

isn't he at work? why is he around so much?

diddl · 05/11/2013 18:10

You should surely be bfeeding first & "topping up" with formula or you supply will decrease?

Does he want you to stop bfeeding?

YANBU to be upset.

bundaberg · 05/11/2013 18:10

i think that to successfully breastfeed you need to NOT be undermined, and you need a supportive partner.

I think you need to have a chat with him about how you want this to work. If you said to him you want baby to have say, no more than 2 formula feeds a day would that work?

i'd also really advise seeing a breastfeeding counsellor. it's really unlikely that you don't have enough milk even if you have poor health, it doesn't work like that. some babies are just frequent feeders....

rockybalboa · 05/11/2013 18:12

I'd be upset. Just tell your DH that you want to do every other feed. Do you want him to wake you if you are sleeping? He might be afraid too if he knows you're really tired. You need to agree with him who does what. Are your boobs not engorged?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/11/2013 18:24

I think your DH is very worried about your health and thinks that by feeding the baby, you'll be able to get some rest and recover from your illness. Don't be too quick to think he's being malicious or undermining you. Sounds like he has very good intentions.

cochonette · 05/11/2013 18:52

if you want to continue breastfeeding then you do have to keep breastfeeding as much as you're able to. i would also add that it is also perfectly normal for a young baby to want to feed every 1.5 - 2 hours - mine did, for about 7 months!!

that in itself does not mean that you are not producing enough milk and the baby doing that "chewing" thing on your breast is him stimulating the breast to make more milk, and again is perfectly normal.

YANBU to be upset that your DH is formula feeding more than you would like - you should speak to him about this and explain that you want to keep up your supply and the only way to do this is if baby is going on to the breast frequently.

WorraLiberty · 05/11/2013 18:55

What reasons has he given?

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:01

I was due to wake at 1:45 to feed baby and when I got up I found him sitting feeding the baby formula.

I was also due to feed at around 5pm and this time he'd sent a text while I was at my appointment, asking when I will be home for a feed and saying he might give more formula. I replied saying I wanted to breastfeed but that he could give a little bit to just take the edge off if I ran late due to traffic. By the time I got home he hadn't been able to handle the baby crying and had given him a full bottle of formula. This meant I haven't fed him all day.

I am not engorged at all, there are some times of the day I can feel full of milk but others I feel empty. I know how it feels isn't always a true indication of whats there, but when it feels empty the feed is rubbish and he bits then breaks off in frustration crying every time. Also I think I am not engorged because I expressed twice, once at 11am and once at 5pm when I got in and found he had been fed already.

OP posts:

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:04

Cochonette - how did you cope with 1.5 hours round the clock? I think I am disadvantaged because I have tiredness from multiple sclerosis but somehow managed to feed my last baby for a year.

And how on earth did you cope with the biting? I have become so very sore because he munches continuously and if I take him off for a rest he screams the house down and tries to root on his hand. I could cry!

OP posts:

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:06

worraLiberty - he said he baby was crying for a feed and he couldn't stop feeding him once he got started.

I don't doubt there is a part of him that is concerned for me, but there is also a large part of him that is concerned for himself as he has always wanted the baby to be fed even if he's its had a feed! I have to remind him hat he might be tired instead, for example.

OP posts:

bundaberg · 05/11/2013 19:06

if you want to continue breastfeeding you do need to feed as much as possible.

have you seen a BFC?

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:08

I spoke to them in the phone and they prescribed two things. One was more feeds to increase supply, and the other was to express between feeds for the same reason.

But I am on my knees with exhaustion as it is.

OP posts:

ICameOnTheJitney · 05/11/2013 19:11

It sounds like an awful situation. I often wonder how Fathers who are very engaged with their babies cope when BF is a struggle...it must be tough to not feed your child....but in this situation I see that his feeding the baby is exacerbating the situation with your milk production.

I see it like this....your husband has as much right to feed the baby as you do...but your breast milk is superior so you should get the final say. Have you asked him to stop? Have you explained about the fact that you need to feed more?

misspontypine · 05/11/2013 19:18

Firstly well done, you have fed your baby breastmilk for 5 months (I think?)

It sounds like your partner is trying his best, I really don't think he is trying to sabotage your breastfeeding, it sounds like he is a good dad. I don't think I could withold formula from a hungry crying baby.

It is great that you are pumping, that will be helping, do you give your baby the expressed milk when he gets a bottle?

Skin to skin is a great way to get your supply to increase, maybe have a bath with your baby, or listen to some lovely relaxing music. I would do baby massage on my ds's back whilst he lay on me. If he isn't due a feed just let him hold your nipple, that can increase supply. When he does feed let him hold/play with the other nipple, that can also increase supply.

Does your ds have a dummy? I gave ds a dummy but let him hold my nipple at the same time it taught him to be soothed with the dummy and also kept my body thinking he was feeding. Your partner would also have another soothing option with a dummy.

(hugs)

Silvercatowner · 05/11/2013 19:20

Does your husband understand about supply and demand? He may not realise how undermining this is......

bundaberg · 05/11/2013 19:22

i think you need to talk to DH and work out a strategy.

maybe that's saying no more than x bottles of formula a day? or he does the night feeds and you do the day feeds?

i do think it would benefit you to see a bfc in real life, so they can check latch etc and give you reassurance that baby is transferring milk effectively.

Damnautocorrect · 05/11/2013 19:29

I had this problem too, I can remember being so upset and angry with him.
Have a heart to heart with him so he understands

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:45

Thanks all.

I will talk to him in depth about it (again). I think a clear plan is a good idea, funny as I've always shied away from being that explicit because he complains bitterly that any organisation on my part is me being controlling. Obviously I see it differently because its my way of working through things and not forgetting or getting lost, we all have our own way of getting through and planning ahead is mine.

But worth a go to try and make it clearer.

OP posts:

Spotsonmytoes · 05/11/2013 19:45

Laughing, it can't be easy looking after a young baby in your situation, especially when bf is a struggle and you are constantly tired due to your health.

Please try to see a bf counsellor (nct are very good) they should be able to support you and your baby.

In the meantime try and make sure baby's latch is really really good and that she doesn't just feed from the nipple. A good latch will stimulate you milk supply as will rest and skin to skin time. Can you have a couple of 'duvet days'just snuggling up with dc2, skin to skin and bfn demand. Doing this will also make you tune in much more with when baby is hungry. At five months I was still feeding both DC every 90 minutes or so.

Also, could the lo be teething (crying, rooting on hand)?

If it gets all too much and everyone is miserable however, it might be easier to ff. but I would definitely see a bf counsellor first.

Mylovelyboy · 05/11/2013 19:46

Without sounding patronising you must be tired out and hope you feel better soon. Sounds like the combined feeding is working better. If he wants to give the baby a bottle then I personally would let him carry on. You say you have started to combine feeds due to your ill health/tiredness and slow milk production. If giving the baby formula helps you out and makes life easier for you then don't worry about it. All the best.

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:48

He works full time on really long days so is off work a lot too.

Because of this, he will do the occasional night feed. However ironically night time is when I am best rested and my milk supply is plentiful until 6am, then the biting and squirming starts again. So I would only want to formula feed overnight if I felt too exhausted to move (normally feel like that in the daytime!) or if I feel supply is too low, which again is usually in the daytime.

OP posts:

Spotsonmytoes · 05/11/2013 19:48

Also, it might be better to take the baby with you when you go out. That way she doesn't get too hungry and miserable whilst waiting for her next feed. Would this be an option?

Spotsonmytoes · 05/11/2013 19:50

Oh! And the biting, did your baby always do this? My lo tends to bite when she is teething.

Original poster

laughingeyes2013 · 05/11/2013 19:51

Spots - duvet days are out of the question as I have a 3 year old too.

Mylovelyboy - thanks for your understanding. Not patronising at all

OP posts:

hottea7 · 05/11/2013 19:52

Hi I found earth muma angel baby breastfeeding tea fab for increasing supply, I take that as well a 3 litres of water a day, breastfeeding my baby and looking after my other children is taking its toll! 5 months is amazing well done you x x

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