AIBU to think it's his own bloody fault?

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

Yep, it's a money one. DP is driving me up the wall. We're looking at buying a house, working out how much we need to save for a deposit etc. So we have to choose between putting away as much as we can as fast as we can to take advantage of this 5% deposit scheme, or saving over a longer period. Current house is ours for the next five years, so I'm in no hurry.

Problem is, he's complaining that he wants to do it as quick as possible. I can't help thinking that if he hadn't decided to have a massive wedding (with all the trimmings and then some, against my wishes) then we'd actually have some spare cash to put towards it, which would probably cover the whole deposit.

WIBU to just tell him to suck it up and stay renting for the time being? He only wants to buy because his friends all are. He feels like he's not being a proper adult

Well what is his solution? Is he just whingeing "oh i wish we could do itt now"? If so tell him to give over and grow up.

Also- if you two are already at odds over money (two different pages wrt wedding AND house buying!) then think very long and hard about whether you two are financially compatible. Not every couple is and it only leads to a lifetime of money rows.

Has the wedding already been booked, when is it?

Have you told him that if the wedding were cheaper you'd have a better deposit?

I can see where he's coming from in regards to buying a house, the earlier you do it the better in my personal opinion. That said he/you can't have everything, the big wedding and the deposit. Or can you? I don't know your finances and saving capability.

His solution seems to be do it now regardless of my thoughts on the matter. I've said we can move closer to his work, cutting travel costs AND rent (live in a kinda pricey area), and we can put away the extra each month. We've never had it, so we won't miss it.

He has a strange attitude to money anyway. Too many years in a high paying job!

Ok so what was his response?

Seriously think about buying a house with him- you dont seem on the same page at all. This all needs to be worked out and agreed before you make any decisions. You need to make a 5 year plan tbh so you both know exactly what is happening, where you will be living, how much you are saving each month etc.

Eep, can't keep up!

Wedding is end of this month. I tried telling him we should cut back on the wedding, but he insisted I have the perfect day but that's a whole thread on its own!

He's now in a job with average pay, and I don't work as I'm juggling uni and a toddler. So no, we can't have both.

No. Not being a proper adult is entering into something unaffordable for you because all your mates are doing it.

Is that what the big wedding was about?

Why doesn't he just get his mates to line up in the kitchen and whap their dicks out on the table? Settle it once and for all.

SillyBilly, he said we should just buy in that area rather than rent, since it's where we want to live.

Ok so can you afford to buy in that area now?

And at revels

Haha, Revels, it does feel like that kind of thing! He keeps saying he should have bought a house when he had the high paying job. Yes, he should have, but that's in the past now. I just think we should focus on the present, and I'd be happy renting for a few more years.

SillyBilly, with the scheme, yes. It's not the payments that are the problem, just the deposit. But we can only really afford a flat. If we're buying, I'd like to be a bit more picky. Want a house with a garden!

Plus it means skimping on everything until we have the deposit saved.

So you cant buy something you dont want. Have you discussed a compromise? Eg. You agree to look at slightly smaller properties if he agrees to wait longer to save? Or is your house and garden non negotiable? You have to talk this through and cone to an agreement. Neither of you can buy without the other so it's no go until you have agreed.

You know, I think it might be non-negotiable. The garden I can take or leave, I guess, but I want a house.

Couple more years and I'll be working again, too. He hasn't taken that into consideration.

sit down and write YOUR idea of what should happen. get him to do the same then come together and discuss it. make a plan. then revisit the plan in a week and check if you are both still happy. change what needs changed and then revisit again and again until you are both still happy with the arrangement. do not make ANY plans to look at houses or mortgages or anything until you are both in full agreement about what the plan is.

Why are you getting married at all if you disagree on such fundamental things? So far all you have described is a man who has ambition and is motivated to have his own house, not at all unreasonable in any way. If this doesn't float your boat, why are you with him?

You have criticised him for previously having a high paid job, wanting to give you an expensive wedding, wanting to buy a house and having friends who want to buy houses.

You, OTOH want a house with a garden as a first time buy and would rather rent, and currently don't earn. Loads of us bought flats as our first time buys, I don't think expecting a family home as your FTB is at all realistic.

How would you feel if he was being as critical about you as you are about him?

I have no problem with his friends buying houses, they're in positions where they can without making drastic changes.

I wasn't criticising the fact he had a high paid job, I'm bothered by the fact that he earns less now but has the same mindset.

I didn't and don't want an expensive wedding. He assumed that's what I wanted, and didn't listen when I told him it wasn't.

I have no problem with him wanting to buy a house. I want to buy a house. I just think it's better to continue renting now, and buy when we're more comfortable financially.

I don't think wanting a family home is unreasonable, considering the fact that we are a family. Maybe I'm just weird for wanting an actual home.

"He assumed that's what I wanted, and didn't listen when I told him it wasn't."

That's your main problem right there, IMO - he "didn't listen"

I don't think wanting a family home is unreasonable, considering the fact that we are a family. Maybe I'm just weird for wanting an actual home

Sorry, but I do think you are a bit U here. If you cant afford a house but can afford a flat just now, whats the problem? You only have 1 DC. Plenty of small families live in flats. The property market isn't that bad now, if you buy wisely then you should be able to trade up and have some money to invest in a bigger property in a few years time. Especially if you return to work. But if you continue to rent, particularly a bigger property, that money will be gone forever.

OTOH how will you finance a bigger deposit for a family house in a few years time if your money has gone in rent over those years?

I still don't see the problem with your fiancé comparing himself with his friends. That's what people do - its a biological imperative, called social facilitation. It can be quite a positive force to heighten achievement. eg if you have a group of clever friends who study hard at school, you are more likely to succeed than if your friends mainly truant and play up in class a lot.

I think both of you are equally either U or not U, depending on viewpoints. I just find it odd that you disagree on such fundamental things. I'm more with your DH, as I tend towards achievement and would want to buy as soon as I could, even if it meant compromise for a few years. I would feel incredibly restricted by a man who didn't feel the same way or have the same aspirations.

With house prices going up, in a few years time will you be able to afford more than a flat. Or worse you buy at the top of the Market and then you are stuck for several years.
I am partly with your oh yes I think you should buy now if you can afford it. Any way of cutting the cost of the wedding, £30 savings here and there all add up.

Financially compatible? My dh is the most sensible guy I know with money, we are 45 and pay off our mortgage this year, and have enough to see both kids through uni debt free. I'm dreadful with money- we have been happily married for 23 years with him being the sensible one, I hardly think its a deal breaker. Besides if or when kids come along, priorities change.

Shona that's fine if the irresponsible one is happy for the sensible one to make all the financial decisions. That isnt always the case though and can lead to a very unhappy relationship if both parties have different ideas (like the op and her dp) about how and when the money gets spent.

And this is definitely something that should be sorted before dcs come along because as you say priorities change but they dont always change in the same way for different people- that's why it is best to make sure you are both on the same page on long term plans like having children, buying houses, arranging pensions etc.

MILLYMOLLY, I wish we could make some savings on the wedding, but it's all already paid for.

LessMissAbs, you make it sound like I'm against achieving. Comparing us to his friends is all well and good, but they all have higher paying jobs, fewer outgoings and no dependants. So they're in a better financial position than we are. It's called realism. We have few enough luxuries as it is, so cutting back even more would be painful, and I'm not willing to do that.