To think my friend could cut back on luxuries before complaining...

[MrsDrRanj]

Hi all, have name + account changed for new email but have been a regular (naice ham, yoni massage, pom bears + hamwidge etc)

Me and my friend are both mums on benefits. I am a single parent, she is married (her husband works). We both have one child.

I struggle from month to month with rent, bills and food shopping as well as all the extras that come along with having a toddler. I have no wifi just the internet that comes with my mobile contract, no land line, no computer & only freeview on telly. I've lived in my place for a year and still don't have a lot of the furniture I need.

Last week my friends benefits got dropped by 20 pounds a week. Now I understand that it's annoying to have to change your budget when you had it all worked out etc, but she has been complaining to me non stop ever since saying how do the government expect her to 'survive'.

They have a lovely flat, all appropriate furniture, sky tv, Netflix, broadband, a computer, an Apple Mac, a laptop, an iPad each and wifi etc.

Aibu in thinking its a bit out of order for her to complain to me like this given my circumstances? And that they could make a lot of cutbacks before they worry about how they will survive?

I hope this will not turn into a benefit bashing thread, as I said I am also on benefits and I am not living a life of luxury whatsoever. But I feel a bit hurt by how insensitive she has been.

Aibu?

Have you said any of this to her?
Surely a 'yes it is hard, isn't it. But don't let it get you down, because you have so many lovely things including a nicely-furnished home and mod-cons' is a non-confrontational way to speak to her.

I really hate this idea that friends can only moan to people who are better off than them in that area of their life. People in relationships shouldn't moan about to their single friends, people have to know the exact financial circumstances of someone before having a moan about their own lot in life. It isn't what friendships should be about

sparechange I wouldn't mind a bit of moaning, I know it's not an easy way to live. I happily listen to her marriage problems etc and would never hold anything like that against her.

But the dramatic 'I'm not going to survive stuff' felt like 'well I can't live like YOU' to me.

Give her time to adjust

She only lost the benefit last week

Luxuries mean different things to different people. Mobiles, internet, cars, television etc are all lovely extras but all can be done without. People hae different view points.

A lot of the things you mention are fixed cost items that she already owns. She already has those and, unless they are on the never never, won't affect her budget. The variable costs, such as Netflix and Sky TV, she can certainly look at. However, she is probably just feeling gutted at the moment. Give her a chance.

I think whatever your level of income, you have spending expectations to match. Clearly, she has been spending up to the old amount, so it's going to be a shock / a period of adjustment when there's a sudden drop - did you read the millions of threads on here moaning about the cut in high earners receiving Child Benefit ? It's not about the amount you have, it's about the fact that someone has taken away what you are used to having.

YANBU. Fair enough if she's annoyed but its a bit thoughtless to whinge about it to someone who is struggling even more. I have a family member who has a very big income in general never mind compared to me, who still complains about money to me, a single mum on benefits who struggles to afford anything. It's insensitive.

Nothing wrong with her whinging but like kathryn said, you don't do it to someone worse off!

Can you head her off at the pass, as soon as she starts, say, "I know, you will now have to live to the standard that lots of us do. Do you want some tips on how to manage with that kind of budget?"

A few moans or upset is OK, but not to make you feel like somehow she'll have to lower herself to your standard of living.

Yanbu. She should not be complaining to you as as a family unit they are clearly better off. However, I expect the only benfits she receives are tax credits and childbenefit so a £20 cut is probably a large reduction in her "benefits received".

she's certainly insensitive, and a gentle reminder would not go amiss. we lost child benefit. we felt it - but we have not had to cut back on food or fuel etc and still have enough for luxuries like modest holidays, though we don't have ipads, wii, skyTV, huge TVs etc etc - but we would not dream of going on about feeling the pinch to other friends who are obviously on lower incomes and still get it. Or to friends who have been made redundant and for whom there is much uncertainty and insecurity.

I don't think she's being insensitive. People should be allowed to talk about stuff that bothers them to their friends, and their friends should behave in the normal supportive manner that friends are supposed to.

I really dislike the idea that you can never talk about anything with someone unless they aren't affected by that particular problem, or they aren't affected as much. I would hate it if my friends felt that they couldn't discuss things with me because they worried that I might be worse off. I'm a big girl who is capable of looking outside my own experience and I don't need others to watch what they say around me.

Some things are subjective, and what affects one person quite negatively, another person can take in their stride barely noticing.

However, your friend is a cheeky cow to think she has any right to complain about losing benefits when she has so many luxury items that plenty of people that don't claim a penny in benefits can't afford.

I was wondering what benefits she would have been getting if her husband works

This would really piss me off if I was you.
However I'm not sure if that just means that I am unreasonable too lol

Me too emuloc

@Me and my friend are both mums on benefits. I am a single parent, she is married (her husband works). We both have one child."

So exactly what "benefits" is she on?

If you mean that she is complaining that her In-Work benefits have been cut, because if the changes to the benefit system, whilst her and the man she has picked to have a child with, are doing all they can to have enough money to live on, despite shit wages and lack of jobs v high living costs, then YABU.

If she is claiming illegally, then YANBU.

People who are willing to work should be able to afford internet and have their homes "appropriately furnished" in the UK 2013.

Especially if they are not putting themselves into poverty by the choices they make.

So up to now her and her partner are doing some work and are committed to providing a home for their child? Yet their income has been cut through no fault if their own ( and without good reason)?

She is supposed to be a friend?

What is the problem with her off loading onto you?

There will be protest meetings against the cuts in your region, if you really want to do something.

X post with others.

I agree with birdsgottafly FWIW.

You might feel the same if I were her. Maybe she's pissed off that your benefits haven't been cut, which to your friend might seem unfair when her husband is working (presumably hard) to provide for his family. they
As birds said, unless they're not actually entitled to those benefits, YABU.

I like kickass' idea of sympathising and offering her tips on how to save money, as you have more experience of living on a tight budget.

I think it depends how close you are as friends. I think the whole 'you should be able to tell friends anything' really only applies to very close friends, with other people you should maybe be a bit more sensitive.

I think it depends how close you are as friends. I think the whole 'you should be able to tell friends anything' really only applies to very close friends, with other people you should maybe be a bit more sensitive.

This exactly! I have quite a few friends who wouldn't even know that I was budgeting severely at the moment, they're just not that close for me to be comfortable sharing it with. One or two I've mentioned it to in passing as I've had to cut out some of the DC's activities, and have changed their snack and meal options etc.

Yes thinking about it I have moaned about my loss of chb 188 pm to my sibling on 70 jsa pw. She was happy to hear my whinge because I understand her problems and offer her support both financally and practical
So op what benefits is yourfriend receiving?

Suspect only benefit friend was receiving was child benefit.

Maybe friends received WTC or CTC? They are seen as a benefit by some?

Could you offer her some 'tips' for cutting back based on some of the things you do without? She's probably moaning to you because she thinks you're in a similar situation (claiming benefits) so you'll understand.

I bought my own home when I was 24 and was four years before it was fully-furnished. I started with the bricks and mortar and built up VERY gradually - one payday at a time. Friends were p1ssing money up the wall, going out every weekend and having nice holidays/weekends away, etc and then moaning that they couldn't afford to buy a house and telling me how 'lucky' I was. I had to explain on a few occasions that I wasn't any better off or luckier than them, I just had different priorities. and was probably really boring compared to them

I pointed out all the sacrifices I'd made and the people who moaned some tips on cutting back. Some welcomed the advice, others didn't. Either way, it stopped the moaning. Maybe that would work for you? It might not stop her moaning, but it might stop her moaning to you.