To want a relationship with my bf sister?

[Edendance]

I'd like a bit of advice on my bf family, it's been bothering me since the start of our relationship and I'd appreciate a 2nd opinion.

I've known my bf for over 6 years, we've been together about 20 months and living together for over a year. We got together about 18 months after he left his previous gf. I was very supportive of him leaving her as he was unhappy and had decided that's what he wanted and needed to do. His previous gf was VERY close to his family, she rented his Mum's house from her (his Mum wasn't living in it at the time), he and his mum have always had a rather fraught relationship and his ex gf got on far better than he and his mum had done.

His family were appauled when he left his ex. His DF remained impartial and supportive to all parties but his DM and DSis sided immediately with the exGF, believing her lies about the breakup. His DSis and her BF un friended him on Facebook and she wrote him a long email exclaiming her disappointment in him etc.

Things have got a little better now, his DM has improved in her attitude to me now we've met a couple of times. His DF I've known for years as well and we've always got on well but his Dsis although will be civil with him and they have each other on Facebook again still won't speak to me at all, or be friendly to him and it really bothers me. We have mutual friends and when we went to a hen party last year I made a real effort with her and got nothing back. I wanted to know that I had really tried. She tells any of our mutual friends that she doesn't dislike me, she just doesn't know me but any event my bf invites her too she won't come to- including his birthday party. She's been to our house once with their DF but she didn't even get out of the car as she felt 'unwell' (I wasn't even there).

I just don't know what to do. I've spoken to my bf many times about it and he says he's not worried about not having a relationship and that her and her boyfriend are boring and they have nothing in common anymore but I think that it's a bit of a front tbh. It makes me feel so sad that she blames the breakup on me, sees me as the nasty one and has dug herself into such a hole of not talking to me that to start being friendly to me would be admitting she was wrong all along. We regularly talk marriage and babies and have it semi planned for the next 2-3 years but I feel gutted that I wouldn't have a relationship with my sister in law, or our children with their Aunt and maybe in the future- their cousins.

So yes, sorry it's so long- perhaps I just need to let it go. It just really saddens me that she's allowed to behave in such a way when we're all adults here. We all live in the same city and by the middle of next year will hopefully be looking at buying a house near where they are and I'd love to have them as friends who come over for dinner and go out together, and I really hate that she thinks I'm such a bad person- I'm really not!

She'll get over it eventually. I have an ok relationship with DP's sister, but we're not bosom buddies or anything. You need to detach a bit and not seem annoyed and she'll come round in the end.

It wasn't really for them to get so involved in your BFs relationship break up, that was completely his decision. Why does she blame you for the break up if it was 18 months before you got together?

It's not really about 'allowing' her to behave like this, she can like/not like whoever she wants to, although taking it out on you doesn't seem fair, but like you say, she's an adult.

Why does it mean so much to you that she backs down and likes you?

Going over it again and again with your BF doesn't seem very productive, you're 'gutted' about something that's only a possible future, could that be a bit OTT?

Just leave her to her own devices, everyone else who knows you knows you're not a bad person, and they're the people who matter.

I think you need to stop trying to force it. She's told people she doesn't dislike you but she was obviously close to your OH's ex and has found it hard to accept their break-up. It does sound a bit playground - like she can't be friends with you if she's friends with his ex, but try backing off a bit and letting things happen in their own time. There's no point trying to force someone to like you. Be yourself. Focus on enjoying being with your OH.

My bro has been with his OH since they were teenagers. I've been very close to her from the start. They're married now, but I have to admit that I'd have found it REALLY hard if they had split up. And as much as I'd try to support my bro with his decisions, accepting a new GF would have been really difficult for me (and my family). We'd have got there eventually though, for him. She'll come round in her own time...

It's tough when someone throws your efforts and good intentions back in your face. I think you should try not to take it personally - it sounds as if she would be like this with whoever the next girlfriend was.

The only thing you could feasibly do is to confront her and say 'I know you were very close to x, but I'm with your brother now, and have been for some considerable time, and it would mean a lot to me if you could acknowledge this and try to get to know me better. Do you fancy going for a coffee/bowling/exhibition/whatever together sometime?' But as others have said you run the risk of forcing it, which could do more harm than good, but at least you would know that you had tried.

Sounds like the whole family were very close to ex-GF of your BF and were/are having a tough time of it letting go of her.

If I were you I'd sort of be tempted to bring it out in the open - eg with his mum and sister, voice your concerns - a bit like redexpat has said.

however you do run the risk of them all catsbummouth at you (more the sister than the mum).

personally i think time is a good healer. You could as well be extra nice at Xmas re thoughtful presents maybe even organise an evening out?

I don't get this tbh. I don't know why it's important to you to have a full-on relationship with his family. Do you have a crap family and you see it as a chance to have a close family? You explain in detail the relationship exGF had with them, and it sounds like you want the same?

Honestly, I think yo're barking up the wrong tree. As long as you and your bf are happy together, really, who cares about them? You get on well enough, that should be enough.

Your poor bf hearing you going on and on about his sister. Leave it - she doesn't want to know, just leave it. (My guess is that as long as you keep making it clear that you're desperate for her, she'll keep holding off. If you showed you don't care one way or the other, she'd probably climb down. Also, do you really want someone who can be so petty in your childrens' lives?)

Agree with HB that time's a good healer, and it won't heal if you keep poking it with a shitty stick.

Ah, thanks for all the advice, I really don't think she'll have the impression I'm desperate/forcing it or that it's bothering me as I've made sure NOT to come on too strongy in person. I've considered a few times friending her on facebook, or approaching her and attempting a conversation when I've seen her in person but other than our first meeting since I got together with her DB, I've just 'played it cool'.

It's my first and only 'proper' relationship (I'm 27), and though I have a fantastic relationship with my DM, my DSis and I have had a few pretty major ups and downs, and our DF can be very difficult to get on with. I always looked forward to having more family members in the future by way of a DP. Perhaps that's an unfair thing to expect.

As for Christmas, buying thoughtful presents is always important to me and I've had more input on what presents to choose for his family this year and we've made a real effort to buy thoughtful presents for everyone. I don't hold out any hope that I will be thought of any more fondly because of it but that's ok.

I think the main thing for me is that I was blamed by his ex, his DM and DSis for the break up of the relationship (I don't know how close his Dsis and ex actually were either, certainly not as close as his DM and ex), all sorts of things were said about me about how nasty I was, how I'd broken up the 'perfect' relationship etc. I hate being disliked and I know that's a fault of myself rather than anyone else, but I hate that my bf would like to be close again to his Dsis- despite what he says. I resent that clearly to our mutual friends she's so nice and friendly, yet even for her DB's sake she can't give me a chance.

Sorry for the moan, it's probably more that than anything else. Thanks for your thoughts on it all. I'm sure to anyone else it's all totally irrelevant and normal family politics. for you all.

"We got together about 18 months after he left his previous gf. I was very supportive of him leaving her as he was unhappy and had decided that's what he wanted and needed to do."

very supportive of encouraging their break up???? hmmm

I thought this was going down a totally different route when I read the title!

Squeaky- would you not support a friend, male or female who wanted to leave their partner as they were unhappy? I can't help how it may look to some people but I couldn't not help him because of that.

Fifi- just got what you meant, very good!!