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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my foot down and go to DMs for Christmas

35 replies

Tiggles · 04/11/2013 12:28

(Namechanged as SIL may be on MN!)
Some back story:
I have 3 DSs aged 10, 6 and 5.
I have a brother with twin boys aged 8 and a DD6.
My DM has told me she prefers my brothers children to mine (she always wanted twins) but recently has admitted that actually mine are not as badly behaved as she has made out, and they are perfectly nice children. Don't get me wrong - my kids aren't angels, they have high functioning autism syndrome but they try their best.
However, because of this preference she often cancels on me e.g. we were going to stay with her one summer and then she said not to come as she had invited DB and his kids instead. Or she suddenly decides not to come to stay and goes to stay with DB instead (we both live 7hours drive away from DM, but apparently it takes longer to get to us).
Every year since brothers twins born they have gone to DMs one year, and she has gone to them the next. I have offered to come to us, but it has never materialised.
The AIBU
This summer, when I was staying, she said that my brother wasn't coming this year. So I said maybe me and the boys could come and stay as they had never seen her on Christmas day before. She agreed. A couple of weeks ago, having rechecked it was ok, I told the boys they would be going to granny's for Christmas - having autism they need preparing in advance.
DB and DSIL are now not very happy as DM apparently said she would go to them on Christmas Day, and now they are struggling when DM can come and stay with them as they also want the other grandparents to come and stay for new year.
AIBU to put my foot down and say that, actually, this time, I'm not changing my plans for them and we will be at DM's for Christmas?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiggles · 04/11/2013 12:30

Should add, that DB and SIL have said they will juggle things. It is DM that I want to put my foot down to.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 12:52

'My DM has told me she prefers my brothers children to mine'

I'm struggling to get past this bit

Why would you want to spend one minute more than you have to with someone who thinks like this about your beautiful children?

Aren't you angry on their behalf?

YANBU to change your plans, you don't have to revolve around what your brother and SIL want for their Christmas, but really, is it good for your DC to feel they're second best to their children?

Flyonthewindscreen · 04/11/2013 12:52

Do you really want to drive 7 hours to spend xmas with someone who treats your DC as second class grandchildren?

NomDeOrdinateur · 04/11/2013 12:55

YANBU in the sense that your DM should stick to the arrangement she's made (especially in light of your DC's autism).

However, in the nicest possible way, I think YABU to repeatedly expose yourself and your DC to disappointment by making arrangements that you know she probably won't keep. Have you told her how it makes you and the DC feel when she consistently prioritises your DB's family over yours? If you have and it's made no difference, I'd take a "see you when we see you" approach until she proves herself worthy of more effort and commitment.

gamerchick · 04/11/2013 12:57

Since you've told them I would agree and insist. Mines the same..has to know and will go over all finer points over and over with me right up to the date.

So yes insist.. having to explain cancelled to autistic kids really sucks.

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 13:04

DH's parents are the same in preferring his sisters children over ours, and both my sets of GP were the same too.

But nobody actually came right out and said it!

Shit, that must hurt.

clubnail · 04/11/2013 13:06

Why on earth would you want to spend time with this woman? She sounds awful.

Greensleeves · 04/11/2013 13:07

"having to explain cancelled to autistic kids" - yes, that would be high up on my list of things NOT to do!

I'm sorry your mother is a cow. I would (did, in fact) decouple and do your own thing with your kids in future. She doesn't appreciate her grandchildren, that's her loss.

fairy1303 · 04/11/2013 13:10

A few things. You should not be spending one minute with a woman who 'has said she prefers DBs children'.

You need to put your foot down, yes. You need to say that her favouritism and treatment of your children is disgusting and they deserve better.

As a small aside - what is the reason why you can't just spend Christmas together?

Makeminealarge · 04/11/2013 13:26

I'm sorry how awful for you to be treated in such a toxic way. My father is similar, my sister is very obviously treated more favourably than myself. My children barely know who he is. I tried for years to demand his attention and get to know his children, bent backwards and made plans for him so he didn't have to put any effort in. No appreciation nor recognition. Your mother sounds similar. I think you and your children are going to be disappointed. Have you tried any straight talking with your mother ? X

Original poster

Tiggles · 04/11/2013 13:40

Do you really want to drive 7 hours to spend xmas with someone who treats your DC as second class grandchildren?
Well that is why I haven't before, but the DSs are starting to ask about it. They love their granny, else I would have stopped contact before. They seem to accept that she spends lots of time being 'busy' when they are there, but she will come out on day trips with us, even if she never plays with them.

OP posts:

clubnail · 04/11/2013 13:43

Are they aware she favours her other gc?

Original poster

Tiggles · 04/11/2013 13:47

I don't think so - yet. They were aware that the other GC often see her for Christmas and they didn't, but don't realise it is due to favouritism.

OP posts:

diddl · 04/11/2013 13:50

I wouldn't be making my kids spend Christmas with a GM who had spent the last 8(?)yrs with her preferred GC.

PatriciaHolm · 04/11/2013 13:50

Well, you can't force her to host you. If she decides to go to DB's, what will you do?

She shouldn't cancel on you, of course, but it seems she has form sadly. You need to have a backup plan.

threestars · 04/11/2013 13:52

I wouldn't really want to spend Christmas there, but I understand that the children do so…
I'd call DB and explain it all to him. If you can get him to insist to your DM that it's not a problem for him, then she'd have no grounds to fret. If she continues to um and ah about it, then I'd tell her not to bother any more.

CaptainSweatPants · 04/11/2013 13:54

Why can't you all go to your brothers or does it involve staying?

I feel a bit sorry for your mum, she seems stuck in the middle btw you & your brother

Ragwort · 04/11/2013 13:57

I can't understand why on earth you would want to do this, just explain to your children that they will see granny another time and that you have lots of lovely things to do at home. (And why do children get to decide where to spend Christmas ?). Surely YOU wouldn't enjoy being at your mother's at all if you feel you are all 'second best'. And if your mother has said she is going to your brother's surely she won't be there anyway .

AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 13:57

But what about the mum not liking the OPs DC as much because they're not twins Captain?

What kind of a reasoning is that?

She's not stuck in the middle between the OP and her brother, sounds like it's a division of her own making.

ChasedByBees · 04/11/2013 14:06

I certainly do not feel sorry for your mother!

I think the problem with your DC really loving her is that when they do realise the favouritism and they may well do as they get older, it will hurt all the more.

I don't know how best to progress though. I'd probably say that if she cancels this again, then I wouldn't make any more effort to see her.

clubnail · 04/11/2013 14:11

How do you explain to them then, that granny sees their cousins more than them? And that she has never spent a christmas with them?

Original poster

Tiggles · 04/11/2013 14:13

DB lives a couple of hours drive from us, so if DM decides to stay with him then we could drive over for the afternoon, but I won't, not now.

Yes DM is technically stuck in the middle, except it was her that said we could stay with her (checked very recently), and her who told DB she was going to stay with him. If she does actually go to DBs then obviously we won't go, I meant I will put my foot down now, and say that she promised us we could go to hers and she shouldn't just change her mind now.

Think I may just go with threestars solution.

OP posts:

oscarwilde · 04/11/2013 14:23

Threestars approach, plus perhaps your DM can go to him for the weekend before Christmas?

WilsonFrickett · 04/11/2013 14:27

She is going to change her mind so tbh I would deal with it pre-emptively. Tell the DCs plans have changed (I know it sucks but better now than a few days before Christmas) and then just withdraw from this situation. Why expose your children to it? It feels quite toxic to me.

Has she always favoured your brother? Do you think maybe you are trying to win her approval in some way? Because sweetheart, it doesn't work like that

Chusband · 04/11/2013 16:42

I fail to understand why you want to force someone to spend time with you when they don't want to. Especially someone who doesn't seem to give two shits about your or your DCs feelings.

Why keep setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment?

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