To hate these vile women?!

[Leljay]

Hi all.

My friend, we shall call him S, is a twenty-something year old single dad to a beautiful, cheeky, almost 2 year old LB. LB's mama, and S's partner of over 10 years, and sadly, wife of only a few months(We shall call her N), died very tragically when LB was just 3 months old. Obviously, S is still grieving heavily from her death, but is completely devoted to his little man. They have a very strong, very beautiful to see relationship, yet it is always bittersweet. N was my best friend, and she was over the moon when LB was born - he is a little boy born of a lot of love,he was so wanted, and she was so excited to finally have a baby.

As I said, S is completely devoted, and is a fantastic father. He signed himself up for bereavement and grief counselling not long after N passed away, as he wanted his full focus to be on LB, and to manage his grief properly so that he could be a good father. Everything he does, he does for that little boy, and I only wish I could be half the parent he is. How he ever managed to deal with a young baby, and work, and handle his grief, I will never know. It shows in LB, who is now a gorgeous, happy, healthy little boy, the absolute spit of his Daddy, with his mama's big eyes (S likes to joke about how cliche it is!). I love him dearly, and his spirit and cheeky ways reminds me of his mama so much - I am so grateful to play such a place in his life.

S is a member of the Armed Forces (although has switched to a non-deployment role after N passed away), and works full-time. As such, LB has attended a nursery/creche since he was 6 months old. He loves it there, the women who run it are fantastic, and he is thriving. It means S does not have to worry about him while he works, and it works very well. I often elect to pick up LB from nursery, as my own little one goes to one not far away, as it helps S out, and lets me spend some time with him.

However, I have noticed something that makes me so impossibly angry and hurt, and I need tips for dealing with it. Several of the other mothers at the nursery like to make comments about LB, S and the situation. They tell me often that they feel sorry for LB, as he does not have a mother, and that S should find a new partner as LB needs a mother - it is selfish of him to stay single, and put him in nursery. After I snapped and told them how hurtful what they are saying is, it has got nastier. They have called him an unfit father, as he still attends grief counselling once a month, and apparently this makes him 'mentally unstable'. They will find the smallest things to pick holes at - that I am picking up LB /again/, that S was even a minute late to dropping him off/picking him up, that LB is wearing a top with a small stain on it (that will not wash out).

I am beyond frustrated, and hurt, and upset over this. S is a wonderful father, and I do not want these stupid comments to ever make him question what a good job he is doing. Obviously, he is a grown man and can deal with some spiteful comments, but as a friend, it makes me so angry. So my question is, fellow parents - what would you do? What should I/we do? S is reluctant to face it and prefers to ignore it, but I find it very, VERY hard to. Am I being completely unreasonable by wanting to put these spiteful witches in their place!?

x

I would suggest you're a bit infatuated by the dad.

OP by any chance would the spiteful cows use Mumsnet?

You sound lovely, and so does your friend. Keep ignoring, they would love to get some drama out of this situation - and if you say anything you will be giving them exactly what they want.

Yanbu op.Ignore some of the idiots on here.If i saw someone being bullied(as that is what it is) I couldn't ignore it.They sound like spiteful bitches.

Maybe Minnie put it a bit crudely, but TBF the first thing that occurred to me was "What do those women make of the relationship between Leljay and S?"

Are they insinuating a relationship?

Are they jealous that he ignores them, but obviously not her?

Wwe on this thread recognise that men and women can have close, intimate, friendships that do not involve sex. It is surprising how many people disagree - even women!

Even if the op was in relationship it's no one elses buisness and its no exuse for bullying.Jelousy is ugly

mind boggles at spelling there

My DH was a single parent until I moved in 4 years ago - not through bereavement but through mum handing over DSD.

He has faced so so much discrimination, judgment etc it is untrue.
That makes me angry enough but to jump on this situation is just disgusting. He sounds like he is doing an amazing job.

That is awful Fairy.You just wonder why these people think that it's got anything to do with them.Nosey cows.I do think the best thing to do is ignore them though they obviously get a rise out of insulting people

If putting your child in Nursery is akin to cruelty then what the jeffing heck are their children doing in there?

Is it an army base op? Are these also working mums at the nursery? Sounds like they need a job to take their minds off other peoples business. Their lives must be so small and meaningless. Army life is riddled with gossip, from both the serving staff and their very bored partners.

I wouldn't be dragged into this at all. I'd just tell them to wind their necks in and save their breath for cooling their porridge.

While these women clearly have far too much time on their hands, I do think that the reaction to this is being blown way out of proportion, both by the op and on here. Expecting the nursery to intervene? Wanting to get the forces pastoral care involved? These women are doing what women have done for centuries – they’re bitching and gossiping about someone. Go into any nursery or any playground and you will see exactly the same thing, do people expect schools/nurseries to get involved every time a parent is gossiped about by other parents? They’d never do anything else.

As for bullying, no it isn’t. It’s pretty unpleasant bitching, but they’re not making these comments directly to the father, they’re making them to each other.

The op’s friend clearly has the right idea by just ignoring them, and IMO some of the comments may not even be intended to be malicious. Suggesting online dating might seem distasteful to the op or the op’s friend, but it’s perhaps not unreasonable to suggest that he might want to explore the possibility of dating at some point, he shouldn’t be expected to stay single for ever to devote his life entirely to his child, he is a human being and at some point should want to explore the possibility of a relationship with someone else. There’s nothing wrong with thinking that, and while maybe the way in which it’s being suggested might be a bit crass I’m not sure it’s necessarily wrong.

I think actually that the op has almost sainted this man as some sort of miracle parent for being able to cope on his own, and rather than fancying him, I wonder whether she is the one who is uncomfortable with the notion of him ever dating again and finding someone to fill the gap in his life left by the op’s friend.

But it's no one elses business wannaBe.The dad will date if and when he wants.I hate excuses made for gossiping bitches.I'm a woman and i've never felt the need to bitch about people

My partner was a single dad before I I came along as DS's mother just upped and left him on the doorstep. He went through so much judgement for not only being a single dad but he was 21 at the time so he had the "young irresponsible father" stereotype to battle too and he has done a wonderful job. My advice with this, as I have had a similar thing happen when picking up DS from school, is to ignore and if they want to blacklist the child from future birthday parties then that just makes them even more pathetic.
It happened with DS but now, he has a strong, small group of friends who do everything together and I think that's worth much more than being invited to a few birthday parties. Rising above is always the best tactic. A good swift "f@&k off" works well too.

of course he will, and I don't feel the need too bitch either. But reality is that most people do voice opinions about other people, it's just that not all of them do it so publically.

Thing is, if this dad had entered into a new relationship sooner there would be people who would be saying it was too soon, and a lot more people (even on here) would be inclined to agree with that, and yet that's none of anyone's business either.

In truth single dads tend to fall into two categories, either they're saints for being able to bring up a child on their own (as the op appears to think), or the child is suffering because the lack of a mother figure (as appears to be the thought of the women in the group). there doesn't appear to be middle ground where single dads are essentially viewed in the same way as single mums - as equal parents to their children.

Hey. Nowhere did I say S was a saint. He has made many mistakes, as have we all, and has his moments - he's a parent, but he's also a man who lost his wife in a very brutal car crash that his young son was involved in to. He'd returned from deployment not so long ago, was adjusting back to civvie life, because it can take some time, was trying to get used to being a new parent. And then that happened. And if you had been through what he has been through, and came out the other side doing as good a job as he is doing, I'd have the same level of respect for you. It just so happens it happened to very good friends of mine, who are really like family.

I have no intention of getting pastoral involved, nor do I want the nursery to. I asked for myself: that is why I am posting it, and not S. S is content to ignore it, as 'women like to bitch', and he rises above it. I am not that patient, and as a woman, get pretty angry at other female that think it's okay to bitch, especially like this. Plenty of people have plenty to say about him being a single father, and as Fairy said (sadly) discrimination against a single father is even higher than against a single mother.

And on the relationship front. Who S dates/sees/whatever is nothing to do with me, and I'm not interested in it. I want him to be happy, full stop. If you have a good friend, you'd want the same for them. LB is his, and if he feels someone is right for him and them, then it's his decision, and I will welcome whoever it is with open arms. N would want him to be happy, and meet someone else, and settle back down, and personally, I think he would enjoy having another partner, someone to raise LB with, and maybe have more kids, who knows. But that is not what he wants right now, and frankly, has nothing to do with me, so it is a personal opinion I keep to myself.

But do I think highly of him for taking the time out to get himself right emotionally/mentally, putting his time and effort into work and raising LB, instead of jumping from bed to bed to console himself or sitting around wallowing in his grief? Of course I do, and I make no apologies for that.

I must be living on another planet. Where I live a single man bringing up a child in these circumstances would be looked after and supported and given a pat on the back. My DH is very hands on with the kids and it 's amazing the positive comments I get. I really can't get my head around this nastiness. I think I would have to say something.

God this is why I always hated playgroup/school runs - the mean spirited bitches from school became the mean spirited parents.

Seriously I think the bullying handouts would be just as valuable as guides for the adults too.

I would just say "hes doing a brilliant job, in difficult circumstances" I wouldnt protest too much or they will start saying there is something going on between you as thats what these kind of unintelligent spiteful women do.

If he is still going through the grieving process he certainly shouldnt be looking for a new partner...of course if he had found a new partner then these women would be saying "isnt it disgusting, she not even cold in the ground"

You cant win with people like this and I am sure there are plenty of people who feel how you do.

Still, this isn't about you or your thoughts on what others might be saying. If he's not interested I still don't get why you're worrying about it. Fair enough if he was. He's not but you seem to like the drama or being needed or protecting his honour.

Just do as he is, ignore them!

These women must have paired up with some real losers if this is their opinion of men. What a nasty, spiteful bunch :(

Definitely don't engage. You could say the wittiest, most reasonable thing in the world and they would twist it into vicious gossip.

Minnie, you're no better.

I always think when Mums do this it is not really about the other person - they find a weakness in someone else just as proof that they are doing a good job. No one gives you an appraisal or a thank you or a bonus for being a Mum. But some people just need that affirmation.

SO next time, change the subject by finding something nice to say (eg how nicely the child's hair is done etc). See it as a bit of social work!

Minnie if you went to do school run and heard people verbally abusing your very good friend in front of you... You'd not give a fuck?

Sounds like the kind of friend id want

OP - your friend sounds like he's doing an excellent job of being a single parent. I'm sorry that these stupid, ignorant, women can't see this. It actually says quite a lot that these parents do not have children in LB's age group. This suggests that they know very little about him & are basing their assumptions on the fact that he is a single parent alone. Which is clearly ridiculous.

Minnie - do you have any close friends? Really? Are you actually suggesting that the OP should have cut contact with her best friend's DH & 3 month old baby the day she passed away? What do you think her friend would want OP to do? If it was my best friend's family in this situation, I would definitely want to help wherever I could - and that probably would include pick ups and drop offs at nursery or school sometimes!

I was widowed 3 years ago with 3 kids. One thing I have learnt being widowed is that people view your life as public property and how they have the right to comment in a way they wouldn't in a divorce situation. I have had it all "well I but she has been lucky and got her mortgage paid" "at least it's not acrimonious like a divorce" and the list goes on.

I have learnt to ignore it as the most important thing to me is to try and be the best mum I can - very hard at times. However OP friends like you are a godsend - it's not being involved or fancying someone, it's being there and assisting them practically and emotionally when someone needs it the most.

I would smile sweetly at them and suggest they use their free time to go and volunteer for a bereavement charity rather than idly gossiping. Maybe then they may get a tiny insight into the awesome job he has done.

well I but she has been lucky and got her mortgage paid" "at least it's not acrimonious like a divorce" and the list goes on.

Utter bitches the lot of them. Your friend must be so glad to know you're looking out for her chaps.
It maybe worth a quiet word with the nursery if it continues to get worse. Kids have an astonishing propensity to pick things up, and at the toddler stage it never ceases to amaze me how people say stuff in front of their kids (because they think because they're not talking 'yet' they somehow don't understand). There's a risk something will be said to the little one by another kid repeating what his or her vile mother is blabbering on to her coven.
I'm in education myself and speak from sad experience of these things happening.