AIBU to withdraw from my family?

[caketinrosie]

I have a lovely family who are quite frankly nuts. Drama is an everyday occurrence. My sister was bereaved 3 years ago following the sudden very unexpected death of her husband and has used alcohol to cope. She has become very promiscuous and dresses like a teenager even though she is in her early 50s. She has surrounded herself with lunatics who behave in a similar way. My once classy sister is now trashy and my heart breaks for her. My mother who should have supported her could not be bothered and left me to keep her afloat. My younger sister has kept a distance and just criticised her whilst telling me to leave her to it. My sister in law is divorcing my brother in law and is constantly contacting me for support, to moan and complain about her lot. I have two fab disabled kids, a really stressful challenging job that I love and enough on my own plate to keep me going. As awful as it sounds, I'm at the end of my tether with them all! I am literally considering moving my whole family away to get some peace! It feels like I am everyone's mother and every problem that hits our family I am expected to sort out. I am exhausted and just want a quiet life. Would it be so wrong to withdraw from my own family?

It kinda sounds a bit like this is all your own making. No one made you take on these roles with other people. You are not responsible for anyone except your children and yourself. You chose to support your sister although you don't say what it is that you do for her. Does she actually need all this from you? Does she want it?

And also, the only person who expects all this is you. You can listen to problems and be supportive without feeling like you have to fix everything.

Don't take on the responsibility of everyone and then whinge about it. Nobody makes you. Listen but don't offer. Be sympathetic but don't say I will do X.

I hear what you are saying, initially it was such a shocking death that I was frightened to leave her alone, her drinking was out of control so I was frightened she would fall and her children would be at another funeral. Then she lost her licence so I became a taxi service. I love my family and you're right I could have walked away and left them to it, but it would have been the wrong thing to do then. I suppose what I am saying, is the time is right now, for me to do just that.

So you have one older sister who needs help, one brother, a younger sister who is Ok and a brother, your mother and your kids. That is your family. Do you have a DH/P?

Your SIL must cause you loyalty conflicts with your brother - so ask her to please stop.

Your younger sister seems to be managing to avoid the stress you experience, so why not ask her for advice?

Basically your problem is your older sis and your SIL. So why withdraw from everyone, if you have a lovely family?

Seems like a sledgehammer to crack a nut to me! Could it be that you are all a bit nutty, including you? Not a bad thing BTW...

My family is like this. Constant drama that I used to get sucked into. I attended some CBT sessions and the counsellor suggested some boundary setting techniques and also not investing so much in the relationship (especially with my sister).
It helps that I live in another country. It is possible to create some distance but expect some mourning and resistance.

I think you may need to still be involved for your sister's children. Is she still a heavy drinker? But as someone said don't use a sledgehammer to crack this nut :)

Boundaries are good.

Hi all, went to work hence long delay! Yup sister is still drinking, my SIL is married to my husbands brother, I don't have a db thankfully! It's not that I'm taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut, it's just every day a different member of my family needs something doing/sorting/fixing. I'm not some demented agony aunt type, I just cope well in a crisis. Unfortunately my extended family don't, so I am the first person everyone turns to. However, I love my crazy family dearly and I'd do anything for them. I just need to start telling them to sort their own problems once in a while. Tonight I told them I was going away with my little family for christmas, there was a stunned silence but they recovered well. One step at a time I suppose. Anyway off to bed, bound to get some peace there!

Everyone's family is different and so we all bring quite different perspectives on things like this. It sounds to me like you are the dependable one who people look to in difficult situations and that must be pretty tricky to deal with - and yet you've been hugely supportive during a very difficult time, which is a wonderful thing to have done. It does sound like you're at the end of your tether and so having a break from it all would be a good idea. I'd suggest that doing it quietly would be better though - just making yourself less available and having other even non-existent plans when you are needed, until they can wean themselves off you. You sound lovely OP and as if you are trying very hard to keep the wheels on a very creaky wagon. Let them cope without you for a while but keep the warmth and things hopefully will change.

Ha ha love the image of your family with the Christmas news.

A huge shame about your sister. Drinking like that is ultimately damaging for the whole family. Al-anon, the organisation for families of alcoholics, has lots of fab advice and help. If you haven't already been in touch with them.

Good luck with the boundaries!

I can relate utterly to this. It's almost like I have been labelled from childhood as the one that copes. Like I have the answers to every problem. I have distanced myself this year. Just been less available not answered my phone to people,said I'll only be able to do x on y date. Christmas looks like a really good start.

It's kind to support your SiL through her marriage break up, she must trust you and value your friendship greatly.

Probably worth getting expert advice about alcoholic sister - you facilitating her alcoholism is unlike to help. It'd be better to provide support to her children.

Ah thanks all, feel quite warm with the virtual hugs! I will give Al-anon a look they sound ideal. I like the idea of becoming unavailable! Thanks all for the support, just what I needed!