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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this selfish and inconsiderate?

65 replies

SuiGeneris · 03/11/2013 06:28

We have just been away on holiday to visit my family. PILs came out at the same time, staying in separate accommodation. They were invited for various meals and came round, but halfway through the first meal it transpired FIL had an upper airway respiratory infection that was bad enough for him to have taken paracetamol and other medicines before coming.
I am cross that he did not volunteer this at all and made no attempt whatsoever at limiting the chance of infecting those present, which included a little baby, its carers, carers for a very elderly and fragile person and four asthmatics (two of whom are young children). He knew all this, knew he had a temperature and knew he should have been more careful because when I asked him exactly what he had (so that we could provide the right medicines) he muttered something about not being welcome.
Now 80% of those present at that meal are ill! AIBU to think he should have been more considerate, not kissing anyone and staying away from the children at least?

OP posts:
anonacfr · 03/11/2013 11:36

Precious??? Read the OP! 80% of the people present ended up sick and the children have respiratory issues!

And if you have a temperature with a cold it means it has developed into something more.

zippey · 03/11/2013 15:48

I agree that YABU, it's only germs, and prevalent esp at this time of year. You can't wrap your children in cling film or wear protective masks etc. people still need to go to work or shops or holidays with a cold. I would apologise to fil for being a bit rude. It's not exactly life threatening and it's often a good thing for children's immune system.

cardibach · 03/11/2013 17:45

anon according to the NHS (and my own experience actually) Less common symptoms of a cold include:a usually mild temperature (fever) of around 38–39°C (100.4–102.2°F)
Are you one of those people who always have flu?
I'd like to know what the OP means by 80% of the people are ill. Does she mean they have a cold? Because about 80% of my friends have one, too, and they weren't at the meal...It's the time of year.

If there are serious respiratory conditions he should have tried to minimise the risk a bit, but unless they are permanently isolated then all attendees would be exposed to colds anyway.

TheHouseonHauntedHill · 03/11/2013 18:11

Yes its odd, I have a relative who seems to think its cool to share spoons whilst sharing a pudding for example with my Dc when he knows he is ill.

Then when I complain that my DC have been ill I get a stop complaining, who cares reaction, he does not have small DC and does not have to be up in the middle of the night changing beds which have sick all over them, scrambling to get docs appts, worried sick etc.

Angry Angry Angry

Pinupgirl · 03/11/2013 18:15

Lock your dcs up in the house then. Its the only way to stop them contracting the common cold.

oldgrandmama · 03/11/2013 18:15

He could have said 'I've got a rotten cold, so I won't kiss anyone ...' and tried to keep from breathing/coughing/sneezing over others. I think OP is being a wee bit harsh about the old guy.

Mumsyblouse · 03/11/2013 18:18

I find this very inconsiderate, if I had a heavy cold and knew that the family I was visiting had children that were more vulnerable and had been in hospital with complications from colds I would ask them first if we should go ahead. Even if they said yes, I would still say 'I won't come too near you' and not kiss/cuddle anyone!

I don't cuddle/kiss my husband when he has a cold, no chance. I hate being ill and having to work, and I hate looking after ill children. There's a big difference in encountering colds just about the place in winter (why I wash my hands loads) and actively cuddling up to people who are already ill.

He should have given you the choice, in my family people don't hug/kiss as greetings if they have a stinking cold.

Greenfircone · 03/11/2013 18:29

I usually ask or pre-warn vulnerable people I'm visiting if I or my dcs have an illness. I think it is only polite.

Yanbu!

Retroformica · 03/11/2013 18:44

If it was a mild cold, he's not selfish. If he had a temperature and was properly ill, he is selfish

Percephone · 03/11/2013 18:46

This gives me The Rage too. Same goes for the idiots who come into work coughing and spluttering germs everywhere instead of taking a day off. I have asthma and have been very ill after catching someone's cold. YANBU.

Retroformica · 03/11/2013 18:47

A bad cold with a temperature is enough to stay away from asthmatics, vulnerable elderly individuals and new babies. It was very stupid of him

HotDogSlaughter · 03/11/2013 18:50

I think he was extremely selfish.

anonacfr · 03/11/2013 18:52

cardibach no I am not one of those people who always has the flu. As far as I know I only had it once and it was swine flu. I was pregnant and I spent Christmas in bed half delirious.

However if I am feeling shit and have a bad cold I might go out for a meal with relatives/ friends but I warn them to not kiss me and try to stay as far away as possible. It's called consideration.

anonacfr · 03/11/2013 18:53

As far away as possible from the babies is what I meant.

kali110 · 03/11/2013 19:03

How ill was he though? I always get every cold going. I always have a slight temp so take couple paracetamol and im fine.

cardibach · 03/11/2013 21:34

Yes that's what I meant - a temp
Is fairly standard with a cld and anon!said it must be more than a cold if there was a temp. That's why I wondered if you always thought it was flu with a temp anon. So you never have a temp with a cold then? I always do.

mrstigs · 04/11/2013 07:05

If you did become aware until halfway through the meal when he told you it wasn't a heavy cold. I've got a pretty heavy cold, i can't eat properly for a blocked nose, sound like a man on 50 Benson a day, and keep coughing and sneezing. I also look flushed and visibly unwell. Sounds like he just had a bit of a mild cold. You can't avoid those in the winter Im afraid.
I also have two young asthmatics in my family. The youngest has only been hospitalized once and is slightly less ill with colds but my older girl has been hospitalized pretty much every month over the winter for the past three years for about a week at a time and was nearly on hdu with one cold. So yes, i know the f
worry when you see them sneezing, but you cant wrap them in cotton wool. Making someone feel unwelcome over a cold was a bit rude imo.

OnaPromise · 04/11/2013 07:23

He should have been more careful, yes, but it seems like there may be more to it given the strength of feeling in the OP. Does he have form for being a bit of an eejit?

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 07:30

Omg a sniffle! Wrap up your offspring!

Higgledyhouse · 04/11/2013 07:40

My opinion is that I bet the FIL thought he was doing the right thing by making an effort to attend the meal, not letting people down for example his son etc. Regardless if that is true or not its probably how he felt. I also think he probably took paracetamol to perk himself up, I've done that loads of times. I don't think he is selfish, just one of those things. It's also possible that the other party members could have been made unwell being other means? Maybe one of the kids was brewing a cold.....? I wouldn't be too harsh on him personally just maybe ask him to be extra precautious next time.

DziezkoDisco · 04/11/2013 07:43

You can't have a day off from work for a cold!

Moreisnnogedag · 04/11/2013 07:53

Wow a cold bad enough to take paracetamol?! That's like the worst cold ever. You only realised halfway through the meal which means he wasn't that bad.

I can just imagine him sneezing, saying he had a bit of a cold and you clutching your pearls and gathering your children (and the elderly relative) to your bosom.

Doctorbrownbear · 04/11/2013 07:58

You cannot hide away from cold germs, especially at this time of year. You can contract colds from surfaces that other people have touched and through airbourne particles. You are most likely to catch a cold from someone before their symptoms appear. Despite this I sometimes get a bit annoyed if someone is clearly full of it and coughing and spluttering. The rational part of me says to stop being ridiculous as you cannot prevent anyone from getting a cold, if you didn't catch it off your FIL you would have caught it off someone or something else. It sounds like half the party are in a particularly vulnerable group in terms of picking up infections. Have they had their flu jabs? I think you are being a bit precious by getting so annoyed and you should get over it now.

Mittensonkittens · 04/11/2013 08:04

People with colds kissing babies annoy me. I know they could get a cold anyway but why put them in the line of fire? And yes it's only a cold but a cold in a baby means several sleepless nights for both parent and baby. Not life threatening but miserable.
When ds was 5 months mil had a terrible cold. When we arrived she said 'I won't kiss him because I've got this.' Within ten minutes she was blowing raspberries on the side of his face. I should have said something really, I was fuming. Fuming. Yes it was only a cold but it was a bad one, more than a snuffle. Sure enough a few days later ds was full of cold, which then developed into a bout of croup, which then resulted in an ambulance and a stay in hospital. Sure he could have caught it elsewhere anyway but all that happened was that I inwardly blamed mil and was seething.

Why do it? I don't mind if people have cold and it isn't babies they are infecting but it really annoys me when ill people kiss babies! There's no need, just stay away until you're better!

wonkylegs · 04/11/2013 08:17

I think that the OP is slightly overreacting.
The elderly relative with a cold should probably have avoided kissing everybody especially the baby but probably didn't think about it in the heat of a family gathering especially as they weren't that ill in themselves.
I think that the OPs language when talking about the subject does show a bit of a germ phobia or hysteria.
I'm very practical about illness as I have to be as I am permanently immuno-compromised due to drug therapy.
I would be annoyed with somebody turning up with chicken pox at a gathering (which happens far too much IME), but a cold in winter not so much. It's one of life's general hazards, yes it can make me ill but so can going to the supermarket, going on a bus etc.
I caught TB on a business trip and I wasn't even aware I met anybody with it. (that was a horrible thing to catch and the medication for it is really nasty too - 6months of daily vomiting to get it out of my system Sad)