To think that service providers shouldn't reinforce negative stereotypes

[Thatisall]

Last night we were at a dinner with some new friends and some of their friends.
One of the ladies was talking about how pleased she was that the weekend has landed as work had been stressful. I asked what she did for a living.
She is a kind of support worker for single teen mothers, was the response.
She works with pregnant girls from 13 to 20 and stays with them through pregnant and until the child is 2 years, she said.

I found this really interesting and asked what kind of support they provide? What are the aims of the work if you like?

"You know to make sure they don't have anymore, that they don't just think they can live off the state, that they don't just neglect their kids so they can have their own lives. There all on drugs you know, drinking, stealing. You can't expect a child to know how to care for a child"

Now while I accept that there are many hurdles facing teen mothers I hate to see everyone judged by the same stereotype. Also while I would consider a 13 to be a child, not so much a 20 year old?

She also said, alot of the fathers are paedophiles in the making because technically they've had sex with minors.

I was a teen mum. I was 18 when dd was born and without blowing my own trumpet too much, I did a great job yet I suffered a lot of judgement and discrimination on account of the 'teen mum' stereotype.

AIBU to think that a service provider shouldn't have this attitude? Or at least even if this is what she sees a lot of, it shouldn't be the image that she gives to the public (especially strangers whom she doesn't realise she's insulting) as it just reinforces the stereotype and makes life harder for young mothers and fathers who aren't 'like that'.

They're all on drugs, not there grr

Pretty shocking. One can only hope she is a bit more objective when she's doing her job.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but it doesn't surprise me that she has this attitude, sadly.

I trained as a teacher initially, before deciding it wasn't for me, and can vividly recall the comments of one of the teachers I was placed with in my first year. She'd been at the school some 20 years and we were talking about expectations for the children (aged 4-5) and she basically said something along the lines of "Well I know you're all enthusiastic and new to this and want to approach teaching with an attitude of every child has potential. But I can tell you now, by the time they are 15-16 the majority of these girls will be pregnant, and most of the boys will be in a juvenile detention centre. You can do what you can but that's just the way it is, no point trying to change it because you never will".

I was [shocked] too, at the time, and still (some 20+ years on) feel it was wrong that she had this attitude. But at the same time I can imagine how her opinions had been cemented over the years.

Sorry should have been

Presumably she's referring strictly to the ones she's dealing with rather than teenage mothers in general? As such, maybe they are all on drugs blah blah. I have a friend who does the same thing, and her work doesn't apply to all teenage mothers, only to those identified as being vulnerable to what that woman was referring to. The sensible ones who don't need the same support are not part of her remit.

Well, presumably she wasn't talking about all teenage mothers, just her client group? It wasn't sensible of her to make those comments to someone she barely knows, but if she is working with a very challenging group and sees a lot of single teen mums without family support, with drug and alcohol problems and who have been abused or in coercive relationships with older men then it does sound like her work is quite stressful.

When she discovered how old dd was she said I didn't look old enough. I told her my age and she obviously did the calculations.
Looking at me in a nice dress with stories of dd sweetness, humour and academic achievements she told me I was the one exception she had ever come across

I don't doubt that the work is stressful or that many of her service users are vulnerable etc.
I'm just about the comments/ descriptions as to me part of her job should be to build these vulnerable young people up, to quash stereotypes etc?

Shocking. Totally unprofessional to talk like that about her work. Any one of you could have been a 'teen' mum or even chose to complain against her. Utter stupidity.

I had my daughter at 18. Lone parent pretty much right away. I was - and still am - a great mum. i work. i study. I go out maybe 2-3 times a year (the only occasions i drink alcohol). i don't steal I've never taken drugs and don't intend to have any more children. Ever. And at 18, i was just as capable of learning to be a first time mother as a first time 26-year old mother would have been.

I'm quite shocked that she didn't keep her narrow opinions to herself.

lolisnot I could have written that myself!!

The thing is, she wasn't taking about you two. There is a significant proportion of young mothers who don't do it all right, and the fact is that they do cast a shadow over the rest of you. Those are the ones she's talking about, no?

Of course she's there to build their confidence too, but as she apparently pointed out, she's also there to make sure they know it's not OK to randomly pop out kids and take no responsibility etc. You two seem not to have needed to be told that, others certainly do.

I know of plenty of people in their 20s 30s and even 40s who need to be told this. Also from the sound of it this is a service only for girls and only single girls. I'm not sure why?

Also sharp I was insulted but I am sensitive about this so it isn't my AIBU question. I take exception to the promotion of a negative and damaging stereotype.

That's true enough, I know plenty of shit mothers who aren't teenagers and who could severely do with the kind of support this woman gives. Unfortunately it's not on offer.

And how is it damaging, exactly? For the most part I don't think teenagers should be having children. I'm honest enough to admit that when I meet very young teenage mothers I do assume the worst - but am also the first to admit I was wrong about them when that is the case. Of course some of them do a very good job but it would be disingenuous to suggest that hordes of 16 year olds randomly giving birth is anything but a negative situation, and if reinforcing that point means it happens less, then I can't see that negative stereotyping as a bad thing.

Had this lady said 'ALL teenage other are shitty drughead layabouts' then yes, I'd have liked to have slapped her about the face too. But as I understand it, that's not the point she was making.

Sorry - 'mothers' not 'other'. Crap keyboard.

Sounds like she was just giving your her worst cases to big up her job.
She probably won't have come across many who aren't a mess because they don't need the support.
I know a HV who was telling me about what a mess all these families are in - and thought 'well yes, the rest of us don't even see a health visitor, you wouldn't know about those who are just getting on with it'.

My midwife and I had a very good relationship. She once confided in me that she worried about older mothers and how ethical it was that they were having babies despite the risks to their health and the babies health.

She said that although I was upset about being a teen mum (which I was, I had other plans!) I would one day realise that there were benefits. Being young, giving birth would generally be easier as would recovery and I'd have more energy than an older mum,
Obviously she was speaking in emerald terms and some older mins are super fit and full of energy,

But she has a point. There are positives and negatives whatever age you become a mother.
I'm not sure that 16 year olds go around hiving birth 'randomly' and personally I don't think it's ok to judge teen mothers.

That said I don't want my dd to do what I did. Not because I was young but because it was unplanned.
I don't panic when I hear that a young lady is pregnant any more than when I hear a lady in her 30s is, it's unplanned pregnancies that I think should be avoided.
My daughter was the best 'surprise' I ever had but that isn't always the case. Teen mothers may not have as much financial backing or support when they are met with a 'surprise'?! But if allowed to be so, in my experience (and I won't go into my work experience as I may out myself) most young parents do as good a job as older parents,

General not emerald!

No, not all "16 year olds go around hiving birth 'randomly", and many teenagers make great mums, but it does happen, and these are the ones she's dealing with, no?

I can't go around saying all teenagers are bad mums any more than you should say they're all good mothers, but the lady you are talking about deals with a specific group whose behaviour should not be encouraged, surely? Do we not reinforce negative stereotypes about any undesirable behaviour traits as a tool to divert people from it - Nazism, smokers, child abusers etc.?

For teenage mothers who are up to the job and whose circumstances can support their decisions, by all means go ahead. For the other group, I'd recommend reinforcing the negative stereotypes all the way.

For what it's worth, as a 38 year old pregnant woman who is struggling with it, I wish every day I'd done it with a much younger body!

She's at the coal face , unless everyone here is working in this field, they are not.
She's the one who probably sees these girls/young women coming back year after year with yet another baby.

I know someone who worked in Social Services - she said it was true in alot (but not all) cases that another baby "miraculously" came along when there was any question of the mother finding work.

It's not a job I'd want to do.
I'd find it highly depressing.

And chances are she's not anything like this to her clientele.

(You don't want to know the kind of things I rant to my collegues about my patients. No names of course. But you need a safety valve)

sharp that made me lol! I hope the pregnancy is going well congratulations.

I think I took exemption because nothing in what she said suggested that any teens made good mums. She was making sweeping statements and I don't think it's appropriate. Saying that I was so very very unusual confirms that she personally doesn't via user that they do a good job.

I think if we use negativity to discourage any kind of pregnancy, it isn't teen pregnancy, it's unplanned pregnancy that we should focus on.

Agreed, but arguably that happens a lot among teenagers!