can someone please talk me down?

[urtwistingmymelonman]

because I am now in such a bad mood re my sons dad.
hes just picked him up 2 hours late(not for the first time).
didn't answer his phone when I tried ringing an hour ago,just turned up even though I have a busy day today.
got here and said they were going to spend the day playing black ops as usual(I know this is what they do most weekends as son has to0ld me and ex has no shame in telling me this either).
I could feel myself getting a bit narked and commented that I don't think its healthy for a nine year old to spend all weekend playing a games console.
whenever I pick son up from his dads he is in his room doing this and it then takes hours to get him out of the bad mood it leaves him in.
this disagreement led on to other things such as his dad feeding him crap all weekend,neglecting teeth cleaning a bathing and just being generally lazy when it comes to the basic needs of a child(also things that his dad has told me himself.
I also said how he never asks about school reports,parents evenings,never does homework with him or bothers phoning him to chat during the week.
its been nine years now and im just tired of being the only parent who actually does any parenting!
just to clarify,this wasn't a screaming row in front of our son but a bit of a frustrated discussion.
the worst thing is that he failed to acknowledge his crapness and sulked saying that I was having 'a pop at him'.
no im just frustrated with having to bite my toungue for all these years thinking that one day he may stop being such an irresponsible man-child and step up to the parenting mark for a change.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change

You might as well do yourself a favour and accept that, rather than let him/the situation wind you up

I have no words of advice but just wanted to say I'm not suprised you're fed up, ds's dad sounds like an utter twat.
In the future, your ds will be able to see what a twunt his father is, so try and take some consolation in that.

I am sorry that he is a shit. I don't think that he is going to change and as your son gets older and more responsible for himself it won't be such a worry, You need to get your son to clean his teeth and wash etc as part of his routine and tell him that he should do that at his Dad's even if he isn't reminded to. Can you get your Son to suggest other activities such as cinema/bowling? Can you send him with homework or activities to do when he is bored at his Dads? Has he got email access of a mobile that you can communicate with him whilst he is there?

Best advice is to sit back and watch how this unfolds and carry on doing a good job of parenting, your ex will see anything else as nagging, as your son grows up he will get bored of the time he spends with his Dad and as a teen will probably not want to go.

Does your ex smoke a lot of weed as he sounds like a miserable stoner tbh.

I know your right but im just feeling really frustrated now and a bit teary.
Im now feeling guilty as although son was in the other room he probably heard some of it and as he left he gave me a lovely big hug.
but he may also be thinking his mums a bitch for getting on his dads case.

Isn't Black Ops an 18 game, with gore and violence? That's like sitting your 9 year old down in front of an 18 certificate film. I don't blame you for being cross, I'd be furious.
Playing inappropriate computer games and not taking an interest in school etc, or the basic care stuff is totally irresponsible of him. Quite how you get him to see that is another matter.

no he doesn't smoke weed but has always been a lazy sod(just one of the many things that contributed to the split).
the thing is,hes a lovely lad but being a typical soap dodging nine year old if he isn't nagged to clean his teeth he just wont bother.
I know he will reach a point where he realises how important it is but until then he needs to be kept on top of.
hes already had three fillings and I put this down to the no teeth cleaning and numerous sweets hes always been given at his dads.
but being the only one who ever takes him to the dentists its me who gets the disapproving lectures everytime.
I feel like I work hard to be a good mum and its all undone at the weekends.

Your ex sounds very similar to mine. My 12 year old son has decided that having no boundaries and rules is great and has gone to live with his dad permanently.

I am broken.

oh god iggy.
you poor thing.
do you still see him?
how is your relationship with him?

Have hardly seen him over the last couple of months, only hear from him if he wants me to buy him something online, no one else in the family can do it.

He seems to be getting a lot of attention by telling stories of how badly I have treated him, in truth I have grounded him or banned the X box just the same as his peers. I really fear for damage all this is doing to our relationship but ex will not step in to try and smooth things out or tell Ds that his behavior has been unacceptable. Before he went he was verbally and physically aggressive.

I hope its resolved for you at some point in the future.
this is what worries me
you invest all your life and love into your children.
you would die for them and then theres someone who just wants to ruin it all.

I completely understand how you feel. It is so hard to see why someone would not want the very best for their child, to care for them, nurture them and bring them up to be decent human beings and I really don`t understand why any parent would not want their child to make the best of their education. It frustrates the hell out of me to see a bright boy throwing his education down the shitter ( he is doing ok but not as well as he could, xbox and footie rank higher than homework)

I know none of us are perfect and we all have different standards and ideas as parents, it just hurts so much when you can see your own child not being cared for the way we would hope by their other parent. Yet we have no power to impose our wishes as they parent they way they think is right ( or does not parent in my case, ex has admitted he just wants be a friend to our ds and thus how I have ended up always being the bad cop)

I hope your ds sees that there more to life than black ops and junk food and sees which side is bread is buttered so to speak. In the meantime all you can do is continue to raise him your way. I have always read how children need structure and boundaries to feel secure, but in my case this has backfired big time. All I can do for now is continue to love him and hope he finds his way back to me.