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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Missing my DD

17 replies

Solonelymum · 01/11/2013 23:47

My DD has just returned to college down south after half term. This is her first year and I am missing her SO MUCH. Sad
She has been my constant companion for 18 years and we share interests and hobbies. I am lost without her. I do not let her see how desperately I miss her but I want to cry all the time. The holiday has been so lovely.
I am proud of her achievements and know that she needs to fly the nest and move on with her life. But how do I move on with mine? I feel like it is over. Sad

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 01/11/2013 23:49

YANBU at all, I get like that at most stages when I notice they're passing.

Do you have things you do just for yourself, hobbies and the like?

Original poster
Solonelymum · 01/11/2013 23:55

I think that part of the difficulty is that all of my old hobbies and interests are so connected to her in my head that it hurts to face them alone. Sad

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/11/2013 00:02
Sad

It's early days yet, you're bound to feel it if she's only just gone down there.

What about starting some new things up? You'll probably have to force yourself to begin with but try to look at it as the start of a new phase for you not the end of another.

Have a look at what the OU's got to offer (if you have the time/money/inclination), or local courses?

Look up some people on facebook/friends reunited?

Any running/geocaching clubs about?

Original poster
Solonelymum · 02/11/2013 00:11

Thanks Zigzag.
I have recently finished a masters degree and it was a huge relief to end it. No more studying for now!
DD has gone to drama school - So Proud! - and our social life was totally immersed in theatre. I helped out back stage and went to the theatre with her. I have tickets to see David Tennant in Richard II next week but no one to go with. Sad There is such a massive hole in my life.

OP posts:
BabyMakesFour · 02/11/2013 00:13

I'm not at that stage yet OP as mine are little still but I know I will feel exactly as you do so YANBU at all. My little boy is 3 and I already mourn the end of his babyhood and his small steps to independence - when I know I should be proud of them.

Lots of people on here will have been through it. I think you'll just get used to it. Think about it this way: when I was at university, I communicated with my parents once a week via pay phone. Surely they're all Skyping and texting every day now?

Chin up. She loves you best of all you know.

Original poster
Solonelymum · 02/11/2013 00:16

oh no Baby - You just made the tears flow again.

OP posts:
xCupidStuntx · 02/11/2013 00:20

I'm very emotional reading this, you poor thing you sound like such a lovely mother!
I even miss my DD(2) when she's gone to bed I don't know how I'll cope when she flies to nest.

RoseRedder · 02/11/2013 00:23

Is it just you or do you have a partener/husband to share this with?

My son is 20, moved out and then moved back in but when he was away from home it almost felt like I was grieving even although I should have been so happy for him

pippop1 · 02/11/2013 00:25

You can still help out backstage can't you? Why not give some other children the benefit of your experience or how about becoming involved in Brownies? I've heard that they are desperate for leaders.

FreudiansSlipper · 02/11/2013 00:28

:( i was surprised when i spoke to a friend of mine how upset she was when her children went to university. she certainly hid it well

i am missing my ds terribly he has been away since this morning at his dads. i hate him being away from home it feels empty and dread him going away for 5 days. of course i have to pretend to be happy because he is happy but i miss him terribly my heart aches when he is away too long

Original poster
Solonelymum · 02/11/2013 00:29

Thanks for your kind words.
Last year was really tough as DD went through all the drama school auditions. The competition is ridiculously fierce, but she made it and I am so proud of her. She worked incredibly hard to get through both A levels and auditions.
I prayed for her to get into this school because it has been her dream for so long. I have never known a situation like this. The source of such joy for my DD is causing me such personal pain.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 02/11/2013 00:32

You sound like a completely fantastic Mum. To feel like this but still push so hard for her to get what she wants. I hope I will be like that Smile.

No way is your life over, she's away for now but she will be back and your unselfish attitude will only cement your relationship more. Thanks

Original poster
Solonelymum · 02/11/2013 00:33

I have a lovely DH and a fab DS. I am not alone - but very lonely.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/11/2013 00:40

Congratulations with the masters Thanks

What subject did you do it in? (don't answer if that's too nosey)

It can be such a unique relationship, you can be the closest at the same time as being able to say things you can't say to anyone else. Plus you've always got the history you've got together to call on/raucously laugh about.

I think you have to be careful about it not leading on to depression etc though, it can really take it's toll for some.

Original poster
Solonelymum · 02/11/2013 00:46

Thanks Zig zag - I dont want to be too specific but it was Education based.

I am being careful. I am very sad and tearful but I don't think I am ill. I knew a woman who committed suicide when her youngest went to University. I am not in that place but I do wonder how common it might be.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 02/11/2013 01:01

Bloody hell, that poor woman!

It can be a difficult thing to talk about because of the things you've said, you're so pleased to see them flying in their lives that it's hard to balance out the (for me anyway) selfish want for the phase not to end. It's something you wallpaper over talking to other people about how they're doing because it's not something that's said as such.

I've been told on here before that I shouldn't mourn the loss of any phases because I should be glad my DD's are there at all, which really upset me and not at all what I meant.

Even though I'm really not a sentimental person at all, you just want to cling on to that closeness with them - at the same time as letting them go.

Very confusing.

ForFawkesSakeNoGuyForSolo · 02/11/2013 01:08

That pain you feel in your heart is called love I believe. I imagine it will always be there, but will feel different at every checkpoint :)

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