A friend's potty mouthed child

[junkfoodaddict]

More a WWYD than a AIBU question!
Not sure whether to reduce/cut visits to a friend whose child (5) is displaying violent, potty-mouthed outbursts when we visit. My DH has made clear he dislikes child and friend and has nothing in common with friend's fiance despite being long-term friends. I on the otherhand had a lot of support from my friend when on maternity leave and though I have returned to work, I still have contact with her though not as much as we did when at home.
My concern is the effect this behaviour is having on our toddler who witnesses the outbursts and language every time we visit. He is at an age where he imitates what he sees and hears and don't want him showing behaviour that is unacceptable.
My friend's child shouts at her, calls her names, insists she tends to his every demand, I suppose like most, but he is aggressive in doing so, calls other children names, including my DS, and even his mannerisms and body language is 'gangsterish' - if there is every such a word!!!!
He was aggressive to my DS today, called his mum names, threw tantrums at the slightest thing, called his little neighbour friend names which resulted in tears and her crying for her mum, he continued to say she was a 'bloody stupid git' when his mum took his friend home. I told him it wan't nice but he laughed and continued to call her names after she'd gone. I told my friend what he said and she did discipline him which resulted in a show thrown, his baby sister yanked backwards in her highchair, more name calling and swearing even when she physically removed him from the room to his bedroom.
This behaviour has been going on for 18 months and in my opinion worsening. My friend says he isn't like this at school and I will back her up as I have seen him calm, shy and insecure in a lot of things when in unfamiliar surroundings. It's like he is a Jekyll and Hyde.
I'm just wanting opinions, a WWYD sort of situation. My gut instinct is to reduce visits or tell her to come here instead as he is 'better' behaved whilst here, though can still disobeye and be aggressive to my DS. I don't want to lose her friendship, even if her fiance and my DH have grown apart but it's what to do best for my DS!!!!

Sounds dreadful! I wouldn't be able to spend any time with a child like that. My blood pressure would be through the roof! Can you see your friend in the evenings instead?

Sounds like attention seeking to me. I'd be torn between worrying about him being like this and what's best for my child. Has this cooincided with new baby sister coming along?? How is his relationship with his Dad?

I can't see her evenings as she lives too far away and I am in a high-stressed/long hour job.
The behaviour has been going on for 18 months. We thought it was a sign he was ready for school but the home behaviour has not improved so nothing to do with his sister.
His dad works long hours and seems to be passive when it comes to parenting but he does 'tick him off' for misbehaving with little or no effect and he never follows through.
Attention - yes! I think so. When his mum was talking, he was constantly interupting and she kept reminding him not to. She'd listen to what he had to say and then 'got back' to the conversation. In my opinion, his attention was dealt with in the same way you'd expect of any other parent.

Bloody hell, i know what id do if he was mine........

Suggest her coming to yours and see if his behaviour is better. If not, tell her youll pop round on your own or meet up without any kids.

How does your friend interact with him? I'd try having them round as he behaves better at yours and you are in a better position to lay down the law. If that fails you might just try seeing her on your own.

Briliantly!
She spends time with him - this week they've baked, done halloween type stuff and have built a model for a school project.
I will admit, his behaviour is better when she visits us, but he can still be aggressive towards William and his parents, disobey them both, laugh at them when told off but how far can you go when 'laying down the law' in your own home and how do you follow through when rules are broken?
He has a sense of 'fear' of my DH when he tells him off. Not sure why. Maybe it's because DH is quite laid back and 'quiet', I don't know. DH doesn't shout or change the tone of his voice, he's just more effective I think.

Maybe down to his insecurity when elsewhere? Acting overconfident and tough in the safety of his home to compensate? There's a neighbours kid who is a bit like that. On the one hand I feel sorry for him as he's clearly just an insecure little boy, on the other hand, there's no way I could tolerate him for any real length of time. I'd be tearing my hair out.
Tough call. (Sorry that's no help is it)

I wouldn't worry about your child seeing and copying behaviour. You can just give son timeout etc if he tries it on. He need to learn not to copy.

However I wouldn't allow my child to have play dates if he was bullied or a shouted at physically hurt by his friend.

Best to arrange meet ups with mum on your own for a few months. Cinema/pub etc. I have done this and explained that my child was finding the play dates too difficult and arranged a break. They got on better after the break oddly!