Why do the older generation get so uptight about trivial stuff, and will we end up like that?

[sandyballs]

This is about the in laws who are in their early 70's so not really old by any means. They used to run their own company, very successfully, still have their wits about them, certainly not heading for dementia or anything.

MIL rang just now to tell me that DD had left her oyster card at their house yesterday, she sounded really anxious, stressing that DD would need it for school on Monday. I said not to worry it's only Friday, I'll pop in tomorrow or DH would at some point during the weekend.

She starts screeching in the background to FIL saying he must take it over to our house immediately. FIL starts getting stressed saying he has an appointment with the doctor at 5pm and wouldn't be able to do that today, it's a 20 minute drive to ours!

I interrupt saying again, not to worry, there's plenty of time to get it and even if DD didn't have it by Monday she could walk as it's her fault she left it there. School is less than 2 miles away, it's not going to kill her.

More screeching and stress down the phone with a 3 way conversation going on.

Why do so many older people get like this, when does it start, how do we prevent the same happening to us. Is it that they don't have enough going on now that kids have left home and they're retired so every issue becomes magnified.

It really is such a trivial thing and there have been many instances like this and some friends say similar about their parents/in laws.

[claig]

GreenVelvet, you are right that it is ultimately about mortality, which is why as people get older they become less selfish because they have nothing to look forward to and that is why they look forward to their grandchildrens' futures instead.

And that is why they worry about their 40 year old children driving safely etc, because now mortality is real, which they never really believed when they were 20 years old.

'She told me he needs more fruitcake and chocolate.'

In a way this is to show her usefuleness and that she is still needed. At her house she has lots of fruitcake and chocolate and that is why her grandchild and you still need to come and visit her so that she can be useful. It is a pleasure to her to be useful. And the DM who wanted to buy that particular brand of pyjamas also wanted to be useful and that is why her choice was so important to her.

[AnyCoffeeFucker]

My mum has always been like this. To be honest I think she actually has something wrong with her as a lot of her behavior is slightly left of "normal".

[AnyCoffeeFucker]

My mum always wants to know exactly what Im having for tea, she cant cope with the fact I havent decided a week in advance. It upsets her.

I always say the same thing - I dont know, Ive not decided yet. I hoped she would catch on but not yet.

Also "What time are you going out ?" (With friends not with her)..I say "Later."

She cant fathom that we may not have decided yet or know where we want to go.

[juneau]

My mother has been a fusser all her life, but it's now reaching epidemic proportions in her mid-60s. She has become her mother (which would horrify her if I said so and she'd deny it 'til she was blue in the face).

As for my dad, he's rather set in his ways, but when it comes to most things he's got more laid back, particularly since retirement. It's as if hitting 70 and no longer having to work for a living has set him free. He used to be very anxious about aging and death, now he's just delighted to still be alive and enjoying himself (he's had two scares with his heart, either of which could've killed him, so he's got good reason to be glad to be alive). He also takes a sort of subversive pleasure in disobeying my incredibly anxious and fussy step-mother! Consequently, I find him a joy to be around most of the time. He's easy-going and fun and he just doesn't care about life's trivia any more. I do hope I age like him and not my DM.

[AnyCoffeeFucker]

Oh I have a funny one. My dad is the polar opposite of my DM. She is a stressy person and as I said I think she has some kind of anxiety disorder or maybe that and something else.

We get a few racing pigeons that stop off near us for a rest every year. My dad is not allowed to feed them because it panics my mum i.e they might never leave then god forbid they might have one or two more in the area..


Anyway. I phoned and asked about a couple that had stopped for a rest about a week earlier. Got my dad on the phone. He sad they were probably going to leave soon as they had had a nice rest. Mentioned he isnt allowed to feed them..I said not to worry Im sure they had found food from somewhere.
He said "Ofcourse they have - I feed them. Dont tell your mother !"


Bless.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

My DM is more relaxed than she used to be. I think retirement suits her. She always seemed in a mood when I was growing up
My DF has always been tightly wound. No change there

[trish5000]

TheReal, what do you put ths change in your mother down to?

I do have one relation that has become more chillded. Because she says she used to be the worrier, and her husband not. But he died suddenly, not too old, so she says, what good did her worry do. It was pointless as nothing actually happened to her. So she decided to quit worrying.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I think she's happier now she doesn't have to work or look after children.
She's of the generation whose mortgage has been paid off for some time and with a reasonable pension.
Stopping work seems to be her main turning point.

[AndYouCanDance]

Claig - it was indeed personal. She was deeply upset.

But FFS I hope I do not ever get so het up over a pair of jeffing pyjamas.
I will keep working forever and ever to avoid becoming spending so much 'care and energy' when choosing an item of clothing.
It just seems so... pointless.

And it saddens me.

[AndYouCanDance]

I am anti-drugs, but this thread has made me want to give all these stressed out and anxious older parents a spliff.

Legalise it for people over 60?

[amandine07]

Good thread OP!

Sounds like my parents and they are only late 50s/early 60s...to be fair they've been a bit like that since I was young, well, really my dad has.

My father would have a meltdown over the tiniest things, god forbid if anything actually terrible ever happened!

I used to be so exasperated about it, then I felt bad as I figured that was 'how he is' & shouldn't take it to heart.
But it was bloody annoying...and still is!

My first baby is due in a few months- it is already intensifying, I can imagine what they'll be like once it arrives...cue me getting v stressed!

The next fear is- when will I start behaving like that?!

[amandine07]

Reading back through some posts has made me smile- it's my parents!!

I actually think now that my father probably had/has anxiety issues...he would blow up so easily over tiny things, actually to think about he was quite miserable to be around at home- I loved it when he had to work at the weekend, the house was so much more relaxed!

He used get into such a state if the front room curtains weren't drawn if it was getting dark as he arrived home.
Oh god and don't talk to me about 'going out plans' he would literally have a shit fit if me or my siblings hadn't adequately planned out our route to get there & back.

Please tell me I'm not going to end up lik this?!

[amandine07]

QueenMedB
I so identify with what you say regarding learning at a young age not to confide too much in your parents as it all got magnified out of proportion.

That was v much the case with my father, you would not believe how one minor thing could blow up into a major issue.

To this day I still kick myself for saying too much & then see it all blow up in my face- but that's mainly because I get accused of being furtive, economical with the truth and 'hiding' things from my parents.

So I open up & tell them lots of details and it all gets thrown back in my face

[SatinSandals]

MN is stuffed full of posters getting uptight about trivial matters! Nothing to do with age!

[sandyballs]

Wow I forgot about this, will have a little read

[Thewalkingdeadkr]

Meals!
Pil live their life around meals!
They worry constantly about the next meal and you can sense fils anxiety when mealtime is near and nothing is cooking!
Mil was very upset one day as she'd prepared "elevenses" which would soon turn into lunch if he didn't hurry!
God forbid.
When we are waiting for them to leave we get quite used off if its too long after the last meal as we know they will nt go until they've been fed again!!

[HoleyGhost]

Chronic anxiety is why MN is so popular. Generally it makes life better but sometimes zealots make things worse and go against nhs advice (see the sleep section).

We just need to get all these oldies on to gransnet :-D

[IfNotNowThenWeen]

I think people in general get more and more set in their ways as they age. I have, even now become more wedded to routine. It doesn't just happen the day you turn 60, it creeps up on you...
However, I am determined to fight it, and actually I think my mother has always been a-feared of new situations, and quite agraphobic etc, so I don't have to become exactly the same.
My step dad has become quite rock and roll since hitting 70. He recently went to Australia, and occasionally turns up at my house in his old banger with a wine carrier loaded with booze. Sometimes wine, but sometimes really odd stuff like Pernod or Dark Rum
It like after years of responsibility hi is sort of letting his hair down.
I wish my mum would be more adventurous and have more fun.

[AndYouCanDance]

Oh my goodness IfNotNowThenWeen I so wish and hope I become like your stepdad.

[SatinSandals]

I have looked at gransnet and find it boring! They are all so sensible, it is MN where you get such odd people who get uptight about trivial things, e.g the pregnant poster who walked out of a midwife meeting because they said 'partner' and not 'husband' ,or those who get upset because the shop assistant calls them 'madam'!

[Grennie]

Because they said partner? That is crazy. They are just trying not to assume that everyone is married.

[SatinSandals]

They have reached 602 posts on the subject!

[Moxiegirl]

Dp's mum is like this and she can't have been as bad when she was younger, she was a nurse and has 5 children.
We hardly ever take dc's over as her stress levels go through the roof! Not because they are naughty but she is so paranoid something will happen to them in her house!
If you phone her she answers with 'what's wrong?!'

[Moxiegirl]

Lol at not doing 2 things in one day
My aunt and uncle (retired head teacher and teacher) hadn't done some forms that I needed doing because 'we have been really busy after our holiday, with the washing and we had dentist appointments' they had been back from holiday for about a month!

[tinkertitonk]

As we go through this world we acquire habits. What the OP describes is people acquiring bad habits.

Be aware of which habits you acquire.