Why do the older generation get so uptight about trivial stuff, and will we end up like that?

[sandyballs]

This is about the in laws who are in their early 70's so not really old by any means. They used to run their own company, very successfully, still have their wits about them, certainly not heading for dementia or anything.

MIL rang just now to tell me that DD had left her oyster card at their house yesterday, she sounded really anxious, stressing that DD would need it for school on Monday. I said not to worry it's only Friday, I'll pop in tomorrow or DH would at some point during the weekend.

She starts screeching in the background to FIL saying he must take it over to our house immediately. FIL starts getting stressed saying he has an appointment with the doctor at 5pm and wouldn't be able to do that today, it's a 20 minute drive to ours!

I interrupt saying again, not to worry, there's plenty of time to get it and even if DD didn't have it by Monday she could walk as it's her fault she left it there. School is less than 2 miles away, it's not going to kill her.

More screeching and stress down the phone with a 3 way conversation going on.

Why do so many older people get like this, when does it start, how do we prevent the same happening to us. Is it that they don't have enough going on now that kids have left home and they're retired so every issue becomes magnified.

It really is such a trivial thing and there have been many instances like this and some friends say similar about their parents/in laws.

[NomDeOrdinateur]

Emsyj - do you think it's possibly because she finds housework much more arduous or painful now? Arthritis, poor balance, low energy levels, deteriorating eye sight, and loss of physical fitness could all contribute.

[WipsGlitter]

My mum has always been a bpnervous hostess but now eating at her house is torture. Constant jumping up for the table and fussing over the children. She has a relatively small table but insists on serving it all on platters - not plate duo smothers no room for anything.

And she drives y and my sister mad about what to buy the kids for Christmas.

She's always been a major fusser. I don't tell her stuff now because I know she'll fret over it and witter on.

Dreading Christmas Day already when the withering reaches a zenith.

[Beastofburden]

I have to say that on MN I read lots of posts from people getting very very uptight about stuff which makes me or .

Is it possible that this is one of those irregular verbs?

I am responsible, sensitive and far-sighted
You are a worrier
She is ridiculously uptight

Or, in other words, we see our own worries as reasonable and other people's as irritating. Our mothers may bite their tongues at our views on BLW, annoying behaviour from neighbours, MILs and OHs, and much, much more.

Though as a general thing, I don't think it is good for our sense of proportion if we are not out in the world enou, at any age.

[cozietoesie]

When she was youger, my Mum was one of those impulsive 'let's all get in the car and see where we end up' types. (And it was quite genuine - she was the most spontaneous creature.)

For a few years towards the end, though, she used to read the last few pages of a book first because she couldn't bear the stress of 'not knowing how it ended'. Then she would happily start again at the beginning and read through.

Anything which might cause stress of any kind was avoided by her. I try to restrain myself if I see any similar tendencies.

[Chesntoots]

I once had to listen to my dad totally stressing out about the fact the local shop no longer did paypoint. This meant people had to go to a different shop in the village to make payments foe their tv licence. He was getting very upset and agitated.
His last words in the subject were "Not that it affects me, I don't have to pay for my licence any more..."
This happens regularly.
Don't even get me started about the three years it took me to get him to have just one bank account instead of having to physically trail between two banks each week carrying hundreds of pounds...

[StuckOnARollercoaster]

I had a similar experience to lovecat and wibbly. Asked mum to come and stay after I gave birth to DD so I could have some help. Since when did the wonderful strong woman that virtually raised me singlehandedly lose her confidence? In the end it was quite sad to realise this and if there's a next time I will ask friends or pay for help immediately and let mum come after a few weeks for cuddles and no need to be practical!

[MrsMook]

My MiL is a bit like Lovecat's, although I suspect it's more from staying with my SiL who has very exacting standards. I don't care how MiL does it, I'm just happy to be looked after, she's very welcome to do it her own way.

I have wondered if there should be a ban on news when you get over 70. It does nothing but cause DM and MiL great stress over what a terrible state the world is in (erm, they grew up with lovely world leaders like Hilter, Franco, Musselini and Stalin...) and are convinced that they are about to be the next victim of crime. I think the past becomes a bit rose tinted- if the past was that glorious, Mr Dickens wouldn't have written a novel about a little orphan asking for more

[emsyj]

I don't think so Nom - she doesn't really 'do' housework and never has - she's not one of those immaculate, houseproud types (which is probably quite unusual for a woman of her generation). Her house is pretty dusty, and obviously I would never leave mess that the DDs had made for her to clean anyway, we would always sort that out before we went home. And she's very physically fit and healthy (luckily). She definitely doesn't suffer from low energy, poor sight or arthritis - it's just a quirk I think.

[NomDeOrdinateur]

That is strange then - I hoped I might have a "nice" explanation for you .

[NomDeOrdinateur]

(Oops, sorry, that came out wrong. Obviously physical deterioration isn't "nice", but I find it somehow a more comforting explanation than big personality changes...)

[AbiRoad]

My mum is like this, but is actually fab in a real crisis. Weird.

[CokeFan]

My mum is getting more like this with age too. She came to stay with us (comes on the train, which she can manage fine) for the weekend. She'd promised DD, who had just started Reception, that she would walk her to school and come and see her classroom on the Monday morning. On Sunday evening she started going on about not wanting to do it if it was raining (it wasn't and no rain forecast) because she didn't want to "sit on the train wet all day". I pointed out that DD starts school at 8.40 and her train wasn't until 11am but apparently it wouldn't be possible to get dry in that 2 hour time slot, despite showers, towels, tumble drier and hair dryer being available. In the end it was fine because it didn't actually rain.

[youretoastmildred]

What I can't bear is that they won't stop worrying out loud and listen, so you could be desperate to say a little sentence that would make it all go away like "there is a taxi rank at the station" or "I have packed the travel cot" but no no no no, you are not allowed to speak while they go over every possible potential inconvenient or disastrous eventuality. In the end you scream out like Hitler "THEY DO ACCEPT CHEQUES I KNOW THIS I PAID BY CHEQUE LAST TIME!!!!!!!" and they look at you as if you are mad.

[GinOnTwoWheels]

When we go on holiday there always seems to be lots of unnecessary faffing by some older people at the airport and on planes.

[stillenacht]

Thank God this thread came up. Dsis and I were only saying this yesterday about DM. We were getting worried.

[LegoAcupuncture]

My mil is like this, it all started when FIL died, mainly because he did everything for her like paying bills, shopping, benefits etc.

Nowadays she gets uptight (more upset probably) about anything that upsets her routine. For instance, DH phoned her Wednesday morning to tell her to have her shopping list ready for that evening as we didn't have time to get it on Thursday. She went absolutely batshit on the phone to him, all over a simple request.

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

I just phoned my mum, to see if we could unexpectedly go and stay at her caravan tomorrow night.

"no, I have stripped the beds and up-ended the mattresses".

OK then. (we could have put the mattresses back on, and provided all bedding!)

[SamHamwidge]

My goodness, my DM us JUST like this. I thought it was just her.

If DD (for example) drops food on the floor she will make a point of telling me in a high pitched voice, as though it's awful and should be picked up IMMEDIATELY, or in case I dunno, I hadn't noticed?

She was always pretty stressy even when we were young, I just think I never really noticed. She hasn't changed and has got worse.

I won't have it. I want my DD to grow up in a chilled house. I stamp on it immediately these days. I suffer from anxiety a lot and think it may be partly due to her overreactions. I don't want that to happen to DD. Life's too short.

[purplewithred]

My mum is 93 and the only thing she gets stressed over is if it's past 6pm and she hasn't been offered a glass of wine. Which seems to be a genetic trait.

[gindrinker]

Its hereditary.
I'm laid back, my mother is laid back. (My dad less so, but only a 7 on the stress scale)
Mr Gin is not laid back, he worries about stuff it doesn't occur to me to worry about.
When we stay with his parents, they worry about keeping us occupied, they worry about going to the nearest town, we've only just started being allowed to wander off alone - we're in our 30s and spend time in cities where we can't speak the language.

[ManicMinor]

Yep, my DM is obsessed by worry over anyone travelling in wintry weather. She says she doesn't want us to travel (5 hours away) to her over Christmas because of the potential bad weather , even though I know she would love to see us. I try telling her I travel a couple of hours with my commute etc every day, irrespective of the weather, so am very well practiced, but she can't stop fretting about it. It's evolved over the last five years or so.

[ManicMinor]

Actually - just thinking about it, I wonder how many elderly people have undiagnosed and untreated clinical anxiety, where it's just regarded as being a 'getting old' thing? I think I need to talk to my mum about some CBT techniques.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I can see how it would be possible to enter into a vicious cycle of loss of confidence leading to anxiety about change leading to avoidance of change leading to reinforcement of the anxiety and further loss of confidence.

This can happen to anyone, regardless of age, but many older people are exposed to less change and fewer new experiences than twenty year olds, so maybe they get out of practice at accepting change and trying new things.

[GreenVelvet]

Have found this thread interesting, the stories sad but also sometimes a bit funny . I also now get sent "clippings" from my mother, and she frets about driving in poor weather too. In previous years she never gave a tinker's cuss about any of that.

But in other ways she has become more laid-back, and worries about very little, when I think she should really get on top of things more!!

I OTOH am much more stressed out - but then her life is easier and she is more comfortable and financially stable with only herself to think of.

[MadgeBishop]

God, my mum is just like this OP . She is 70.