Would I be stupid to consider moving house because of this?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

AIBU might not be the best place for this, bu thinking of traffic, broad range of views.

Backstory is, years ago I was in a LTR, ex was abusive physically, menally, controlling, looking back made my life hell. We had a baby, a ds. I finally woke up and smelt the coffee and left. Ended up back with my mum and dad, go help from WA a the time but struck lucky I suppose and was offered a decent HA house on the other side of the city away from ex, close enough to family.

Of course I accepted but was rather stupid and let him back in for a time. But the abuse just escalated, he was never really bothered with ds. I eventually got him to leave this time in part with help from the police but in part, I think due to the fact that he met someone else and I don't think wanted her involved or to know what had gone on.

Haven't seen or heard from him in 5 years. 5 years yesterday actually. Life's pretty good now for us, I'm a million times happier, ds is happy, I'm with someone else, but, I feel as though the fact that he knows were were are will always be hanging over us.

Ok so he hasn't been in contact at all, I'm not on Facebook or anything, I avoid places where I'm likely to bump into him. But every so often it comes back to haunt me.

For example a few months back I found out that exes cousin & girlfriend had moved less han a mile away from me, I found this out accidently through work. This could have potentially meant our kids going to the same school.

Another example this morning my sister has stumbled across exes now wife on FB, friend of friend and told me all about it.

Then I can't help wondering if he's ever seen us, he could have been driving past to catch a glimpse of ds. I doubt it but at the same time it is soemthing that he would have done.

I'm happy with where I live other than this. And I don't know whether I'm just being stupid, he's never made any contact so why would he? But the thoughts of it makes me shudder and sometimes I think moving somewhere else would be a complete new start. Not saying it would be easy but I know that I could definitely exchange.

Even if he has driven past you and seen you why would this matter? He hasn't made any contact with you in 5 years. It is unlikely he is going to start now given that he already knows where you stay anyway?

For the sake of your child i would suggest you put him out of your mind and keep moving forward with your life.

I think that from what you have said of his life now he probably wouldn't get in touch.

I can understand why you feel this way.

Feeling like you can't relax can't be nice.

On the other hand, what if you moved and then there was some sort of connection with him at your new area? you can't keep moving.

If he's remarried he's got someone else to bully. You're unlikely to even be on his radar.

Live your life and be happy.

Sounds like you are still suffering from the trauma of what you went through, so the fear is still there too.

Have you have counselling to help you deal with the abuse?

I don't know what happened to all my letter t's in my op, sorry.

No I didn't Bogey, I was offered at the time but it all felt too raw and then I got back involved again anyway. When he eventually went for good I just felt overwhelming relief but also that I probably hadn't heard the last of him.

I do still have bad dreams at times that he's here and we're arguing and he's shouting the odds.

I suppose it just feels as though there is that tiny bit of control left, even if it's only in my head.

He would threaten to take ds, say he was going to make ds hate me. The few times he had access to ds he did things like pretend he was not going to bring him back, or bring him back at unreasonable times at night just so that he could show me that there was nothing I could do as he was ds dad.

He was a person that was impossible to deal with. And just thought of ever having to try to fills me with dread.

Wherever you go, there will always be FB friends of friends type connections, you will never know whether his extended family relations might be living somewhere near, wherever you go.

You have a good life and a nice home, could you look ay getting some help with your fears and gathering your own strength and confidence?

Why should a pall of fear hang over you and let this man continue to hound you by drivcing you out of your good house and stable life? The thought of him shouldn't be keeping you on the run all these years later - if you give up the home you have achieved now, you are making yourself still a victim!

Well done in getting your life together - onwards, upwards and enjoy it!

Even if he did know where you are what could he do , he approaches you in any nasty way you phone the police, you have a right to a life without worrying about him, he can't harm you anymore.

Its the lingering fear Dolls that if he wanted to he could easily find you. I understand that,I have been there. It took a long time to learn how to ignore the fear,in fact I actively avoid parts of the city where my ex could be. I once had to drive past a place he used to work and it felt like the world had stopped,everything went fuzzy,my heart was pounding and I was panicky. I now know this was a panic attack and have since been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.

Go for counselling sweetheart,this poor excuse for a man is out of your life,its time to get him out of your head.

I'm not afraid that he will harm me physically anymore.

More that he might suddenly decide he wants to see ds, and I will be forced to deal with him, or that he will disrupt and ruin our lives.

Yes freakin, I avoid anywhere I might bump into him like the plague.

Seeing as he would threaten not to bring your son back, bring him back at night and threaten to turn him against you, which is emotional abuse, i would consider moving.

I wouldn't want a man like that finding me and trying to get access.

I know he is busy with his new wife and its probably true that he won't bother with you because of that, but i don't think i would take the risk that they won't split and all of a sudden he's back being a cunt again.

Sorry that Im not be reassuring like everyone else. Its just that when you read about the damage emotional abusive parents do to their children i think its worth avoiding at all costs.

(the horrendous current thread where the dad is sexually and emotionally abusive springs to mind and the mum is finding it very hard indeed to get contact legally stopped, despite evidence)

Freakin I did think PTSD when I read the OP.

I do think that counselling will help Dolls, it will help you free yourself of that fear. And will put you in a better place to deal with it if he ever did get in touch, because you would in a position of strength, and not in fear as you currently are.

Oh love,I wish I could give you a hug. I'm lucky that the ex hasn't bothered to see dd in 14 years.

I have lived like that too, though I didn't have children with him. If it was me, I would move...I did move, but was always worried I'd bump into him. It's a dreadful way to live. I do encourage counselling though.

Cheers Freakin, it sounds horrible to say, I also feel 'lucky' that he hasn't bothered with ds. But I am certain that ds life is much better for it.

Ex is rather charming to the outsider, he was always very much, noone will believe you, I'm a nice bloke with loads of mates. Was even careful never to hit me anywhere that people could see, I did spend many Summer in cardigans to cover bruises. And I shot myself in the foot by lying for him and covering for him many times too. So it's also the fear that if he did make contact, noone would believe me, I've even had a dream where he was shaking my boyfriends hand and my boyfriend was saying that he seems like a good bloke.

Oh I don't know, I think this has all resurfaced today as my sister text me saying that his new wife is a friend of her friend on FB.

I just go around in circles.

My house is in a decent enough area, only have only neighbour and they're lovely, ds is in a nice school, I'm close to family, house didn't need much work and I've managed to make it nice.

I could move in with my boyfriend his place, he would be quite happy with this, but if things didn't work out I'd be left with nothing again as not on the mortgage. And even if I was put on it's not as though I could afford much on my own as I work part time. Feels too much of a risk for me right now due to past experience.

I could easily exchange with someone, I'm on an exhange website and have had a fair bit of interest, but quite often people want to move out of flats or not so great areas.

That's how they work,make everyone think they are a swell guy,one of the good uns. At the same time those that care for you will believe you.

That's how they work,make everyone think they are a swell guy,one of the good uns. At the same time those that care for you will believe you.