SIL and presents _ quite long sorry

[olympicsrock]

Background: DH has a brother and sister. Sister has 3 children. BIl and ourselved have 1 younger DC each. DH's S has always said that we should just buy gifts for their DC and they bought for us before children and last year.
Things are difficult financially as the company Dh and BIL and others started is going badly due to BIL's role. DH had to take massive paycut and BIL a 50% cut. BIL and SIL have just bought big new house and car on credit.This annoys me as DH's elderly parents will be v upset if they can't pay the morgage if compant goes south.
SIL sent round email offering to host christmas (she is being kind as we hosted last 2 and DH's S did 2 years before that. So i sent an email thanking her (suggesting lunchtime meal not evening as we both have toddlers!!) And also suggested that as the business was struggling and money was tight, following the plan of DH's S and only doing presents for the kids. ((For the last 2 years it's been an expensive exercise, they are difficult to buy for and DH has not used his present (wrong size etc)). I did say in my email that i loved choosing presents for the DC and wanted to carry on doing this.
SIL replied that she enjoys giving presents and will still buys us all gifts. AIBU to think that her stance is thoughtless, makes things very awkward for us having to be their guests only bringing 1 gift and leaving with 3.

It's not clear who's who in your OP. Is it you and DH's sister who want to do children only and DH's brother's wife insisting on adult presents? Get DH to sort it out with his brother.

So she's hosting Christmas, and has basically said that she's happy to give but not receive presents (children aside) but you don't want her to as you will feel awkward. You don't HAVE to recipricate gift giving, especially as you've already made it clear that the majority of people aren't doing adult gifts. I think it's a bit mean that you want to stop her giving gifts if she wants to. If it will really make you feel bad, make her something. A batch of brownies, some christmas cookies, or salt dough christmas decorations.

Could you bake some tasty cookies and put a ribbon around tge box to take as an extra gift? Presents really don't have to be expensive.

It sounds like there is lots of background issues that are not much to do with present giving.

Some people are just bad with money (buying expensive gifts, living on credit). My SIL is the same - she loves to spend up large then approach her parents for cash when she realises she's broke. But I think it's just one of those things, my SIL won't change and neither will your SIL.

You've made your suggestion that you give gifts only to the children. It was a sensible suggestion, but it has been rejected. All you can do now is give cheap gifts to adults I think. Bake some biscuits?

I agree that your sil is being a bit thoughtless. I love buying presents and quite honestly Christmas Day can be a bit embarrassing, what with piles of presents everywhere.

However dd1 is having a baby soon and the other dd is a poor student, so the time has come to cut back and we've just agreed a top budget. I imagine that at some point soon we will just be buying for the children so that no one feels under pressure. We had a similar arrangement with my parents and siblings many years ago and we all stuck to it.

It will be awkward, but I would stick to your guns. Christmas isn't just about presents after all. Perhaps you could buy some food or wine to contribute to the festivities instead. Sorry, that's not much help.

Could you get them a nice bottle of wine. ( I always turn up with wine when I am invited to dinner anyway) and a tin of chocolates.

Zillion - yes exactly that. To clarify SIL is married to DH's brother (BIL) and DH's s is DH's older sister with the 3 kids.

I like the idea of cookies with ribbon. I had offered to make something for tea anyway (mincepies) so could do this. Just annoyed that finances are difficult beacuse of BIL but we'll be made to look mean.

I think it's fine. I have one set of cousins who can't afford to get us all gifts but I still get them gifts. Nothing expensive. Just chocolates usually. You say you loved choosing the gifts for dc. She might love choosing gifts for all of you. I'd enjoy Christmas, enjoy the gifts and not be so 'umble.

You don't have to give presents just because she is (I am going to try a similar policy with ILs this year as I don't like them that much and am fed up of buying and receiving token presents I'll never use).

You can either just go for it and next year she will likely have learnt and do it your way then, or go for the jar of cookies with a ribbon round (or something else that costs £5 or less) as a joint present for BIL and SIL.

There clearly is a lot going on in the background and you mentioning money being tight like a broken record will hopefully help them see that you feel very different about how to live when the business is struggling.

You aren't being made to look mean. She would prefer to give presents with no expectation of receiving. So in whose eyes do you think you will look mean?

I understand how uncomfortable you'd feel accepting a gift off them when you've not given them one.

But your reasoning behind no adult gifts makes very good sense and if I were you I'd stick to it.

I'd instead offer to bring wine/Christmas pudding or something for the meal or could you make some fancy chutney/mincemeat/cookies or something and wrap them as a gift?

I think if you have clearly stated you will NOT be buying for other adults, it's really up to them what to do with that information, so you shouldn't feel guilty.

I read it as her being nice. You've explained what you want to do (which seems very sensible given your situation) and she's not said oh no I want you to buy adult presents has she? I read it as her saying yes of course, but since I can buy presents, enjoy it, and love you, I want to continue to buy you a present. She's even forewarned you so you won't be embarrassed on the day.

Honestly, gift giving does not have to be reciprocal, it should be something which is a source of pleasure. So you do your plan, she will do hers, and it will be lovely. You sound like a very supportive family.