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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have expected a birthday phone call?

12 replies

emptychair · 31/10/2013 23:48

It was DH and DS's birthday the other day. DSS posted a FB status to say happy birthday but didn't ring, no card etc.

AWBU to be upset? DH is very upset as this feels the latest in a long line of face-slaps. DS didn't even notice which has actually upset us more as it just highlights how much DSS has removed himself from our lives. DSS is late teens.

Would you say something? I'm trying very hard to take the moral high ground but it hurts to see DH so hurt. :(

OP posts:

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 23:51

I think it just depends what sort of family you are and what you're used to OP. It wouldn't bother me at all to be honest but obviously it's bothered you so it's important. What do you think you could say to her though?

Onesleeptillwembley · 31/10/2013 23:55

A message on FB from a teenage boy is about right. Your DH needs to man up a bit.

CoffeeTea103 · 31/10/2013 23:55

Yanbu, are there issues with dss and his relationship with your family?

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 23:58

sorry him!! I thought you meant step sister!

In that light, I think your DH is being a bit soft. Teens are like that! My brothers do the same with my mum!

Is he away from home, uni or with another parent?

EBearhug · 01/11/2013 00:02

It depends a bit - does dss remember anyone else's birthdays? I know people for whom getting an FB message is quite something, as most birthdays pass them by without anything at all. If he celebrates everyone else's then you're right to be hacked off, but if he's like this with everyone, then it's just the way it is.

Original poster

emptychair · 01/11/2013 00:04

No idea tbh. Whenever we have tried to express our feelings before, they have been rubbished. The ex doesn't give a shit, always takes DSS "side", has a much better lifestyle than us yet bemoans the amount of maintenance DH pays (in line with CSA guidelines).

Even if I was just to message "you know, your Dad and XXX were really upset not to receive a birthday phone call", it would be spun back on to us being unreasonable.

I don't want to drip feed but I'm fearful of the repercussions (mainly for DH) if I accidentally 'out' us. H used to work nights and didn't ring DSS on his birthday 5 years ago. Big upset was (rightly) caused over that and two years later, when DSS didn't ring DD (and was picked up on it) that episode was thrown in DH's face, despite the fact that the wrong person/child ended up 'punished'. So birthday calls are the norm yet now DSS could be said to have forgotten all of our birthdays at one stage or another over the past 5 years.

I think tbh, it's such a cumulative thing. There's so much more I could add but it would out me.

OP posts:

Strumpetron · 01/11/2013 00:08

I think you're overthinking it a bit. If the son is a teen then he's old enough to make a decision, and his decision was to facebook his dad.

I hardly ever ring my mum, it's all facebook and we have a good chat. I wish her happy birthday on facebook, then go see her later.

These days it's just a form of communication, just like a phone call is. It's different for younger people because they regard a facebook message the same as a phonecall. Maybe it's just an age thing?It's not throwing anything in his face, why would his son do that?

There's a big difference in a dad not wishing his child happy birthday, and a son making a facebook message.

I'm sorry to say I think your DH is being a bit precious.

Original poster

emptychair · 01/11/2013 00:09

Nope, it just seems to be us.

DSS is normally VERY considerate to his mum's side.

DH has had his faults in the past in putting too much pressure on etc, and I have always been on the side of DSS but tbh, I'm fed up. DH has put masses of effort in since DSS was a baby (when his ex left him when DSS was a baby, he was completely blindsided, obv I feel secure enough to say that all these years later. DH and I have been together since DSS was 3) and he's put in huge amounts of effort over the past 3 years.

OP posts:

Original poster

emptychair · 01/11/2013 00:10

Thanks for your responses. Do you think I'm being a bit precious too on being upset on DS's behalf (it was a double birthday and they are far too young to have FB - 6)

OP posts:

Strumpetron · 01/11/2013 00:13

OP you seem really nice and reasonable, I think just maybe your DSS doesn't see what the problem is - just as many a teen wouldn't! It doesn't mean it's right, but it's understandable.

Anyway I hope your DH and your children had a nice birthday! x

Original poster

emptychair · 01/11/2013 00:14

Coffeetea103, there are issues that I genuinely feel are made up by DSS and his mum. As I said, DH tries so hard. DSS lives with his mum, not quite of university age yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

emptychair · 01/11/2013 00:20

Thanks Strumpetron. I try to be, and I have helped DH, Ex's and DSS's relationship loads in the past. But as I said, I'm just fed up of it all being thrown back even when in some situations, a difficulty has not been our fault.

They did have a nice birthday but DH's definitely had something missing. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic, but he really did get sadder as the day wore on. He's said he's not calling DSS at the moment and I can't keep telling him to be the one that's whiter than white as it's not working. It would be lovely if the ex just once turned round to DSS and said "D'you know what, your Dad is right to feel upset" or "You should go and see your dad, you've not been to visit in almost a year" but she never, ever will.

OP posts:

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