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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to resent being called a miserable git for not taking kids trick or treating?

22 replies

CrapBag · 31/10/2013 19:48

Been out with friends this week and the subject of trick or treating came up. Someone asked my DD (3) if she was going trick or treating. I said she wasn't then my friend asked me why. I said I can't be bothered to take them and she said why, I said I just don't want to so you said "oh you miserable git" loudly and in front of everyone else. I snapped that if she was so bothered she could take my kids, no reply to that.

BACKSTORY, I have a long term illness, everyone knows about it and I have to limit my energy very carefully and think about every little thing I do and how much energy it will 'cost' me. Half term is hard because I can't sleep in the day like I usually do so I am pretty wiped out a lot. My friends all know this and have witnessed me at my utter exhaustedness (or some of them have, including the one who said I was miserable) so why should I have to justify it, yet again, that I have NO FUCKING ENERGY!!!!

I also really dislike the idea of trick or treating. I have nothing against people that do it, but I don't like the idea of knocking on people's doors, that I don't know, and effectively getting my kids to beg for sweets. Ok, I know its not quite begging but they have tons of treat stuff in the cupboard, they really don't need anymore! My friends don't know this as they all do it and they really would think I was a miserable git then!

OP posts:

harticus · 31/10/2013 19:59

You don't have to explain your actions to anyone - least of all friends.

Original poster

CrapBag · 31/10/2013 20:02

You'd think wouldn't you. What happened to the 'no is a complete sentence'. That did not work at all!

OP posts:

Bigfingers · 31/10/2013 20:03

YANBU.

Lots of people dislike trick or treating and don't really want to participate, so even if you didn't have an illness, I would think your friend was being a knob. Having said that, sometimes, people just are knobs as they say things without thinking, or they're a bit distracted by their DCs, or whatever, so you shouldn't be too unforgiving.

harticus · 31/10/2013 20:06

Fatigue is evil (I get it though cancer treatment) and people don't really understand how it works - how you have to conserve energy, how you can be fine one minute and pole-axed the next.
Don't worry about it - Halloween is over in a couple of hours.

chinley · 31/10/2013 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveAFullFridge · 31/10/2013 20:07

YANBU

I also don't like TorTing and won't take my dc. If they're invited to go with neighbourhood friends I let them, as long as there are some adults that I know with them and they only knock at houses where we know the people and there's a pumpkin out.

We didn't get invited this year, and the dc virtually rebelled when they asked earlier this week and I said no, so ivecatefully engineered a day trip to my parents for today. We will return too late.

WooWooOwl · 31/10/2013 20:11

I think you may be overreacting slightly, 'miserable git' is the sort of term that is used quite lightly in an offhand way, it was unlikely to have been said in a nasty way, especially when it was said in response to 'I can't be bothered'. If you'd have said that you were really struggling with energy over half term, your response would probably have been different.

If you are happy with your decision not to go, then why does it bother you so much?

I don't know whether your illness is invisible or not, but I do think people sometimes find it genuinely hard to empathise completely. It's one of those things that you just don't know what it's like until you have experienced it yourself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2013 20:14

I think people have very little understanding of the difference between 'I'm tired but I could do something else' and 'I would happily beat my head against a wall for rest and I couldn't walk five feet to pick up a 50 quid note'. People who haven't experienced real fatigue through illness do not understand.

I have only, thankfully, had a brief window into it and I now get it. I was physically incapable of packing my bag through fatigue (tropical illness) and it shocked me. I have never felt anything like it.

Topseyt · 31/10/2013 20:14

Not unreasonable at all. I hate it. My youngest did go, with a friend, but they were only allowed to knock at doors where we know the people and at houses which were definitely participating.

When they were small I never took them. Now it is just a thing amongst friends.

Personally, I have been tempted to try and put them off, by putting chocolate coated brussels sprouts outside, but haven't waste of good chocolate.

I must be a really evil git.

Original poster

CrapBag · 31/10/2013 20:22

But I constantly have to justify why I can't do things. I often have to turn things down because I don't have the energy to be chasing my young DCs around all day. They know this. I have said it enough times. I didn't explain it again to them because I shouldn't need to.

I'll probably have to get 'shitty' with them again like before. I get the mick taken out of me a lot because of my food issues. I constantly get called fussy and 'weird' about my food issues. I had explained before that I have reasons and could they leave it but it still carried on until I got funny one day and told them that being starved as a young child has left me with food issues. It shocked them and they don't really do it now but I didn't want to have to disclose that really, they left me with no choice.

I guess I am slightly oversensitive today as they always seem to take the piss because I am 'weird' (in their words), because I am tidy, don't like being touched by children with dirty hands and have other 'quirks' I guess is the way to put it. I feel like if they don't seem to like these things about me, then why they hell are they my friends!! Example, music was on and a particular song was on that my kids love and it was commented on how much they enjoyed it. I said they loved music but are very particular in what they like, 2 of them immediately said "oh just like their mum" (surely people are particular in their music tastes?). Sometimes I feel that they can't just take me for how I am, they have to comment on it in some way and I inevitably end up pissed off.

Whoops irrelevant to the thread and I think I was trying to make a point and now I can't remember what the hell it was. Think brain is slowing down too much now.

OP posts:

Meglet · 31/10/2013 20:26

Yanbu. I can't be bothered with the ToT part. DS is allergic to some sweets, DD doesn't really like them and I hate them (I might reconsider if people handed out decent chocolate). And I'd only get in a stress about stepping in dog poo in the dark.

purrtrillpadpadpad · 31/10/2013 20:32

CrapBag, you need some new friends. You're not a miserable git and you're not unreasonable. I'm sad that you have people like this in your life. If they don't also bring positive, nice, warm things to your life then you need to bin them, no one needs to feel like they should take crap from their 'friends'.

alistron1 · 31/10/2013 20:38

Why would anyone take a 3 year old trick or treating anyway?! YANBU or a miserable git. I agree that you need new friends.

moldingsunbeams · 31/10/2013 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CrapBag · 31/10/2013 20:51

That's a really good point molding. Not as issue that I have but aren't we confusing our kids? And to me, it really does seem like begging strangers for food.

DH doesn't agree with that so I said that he can take them next year then. Job done and I will not be a miserable git because I am clearly depriving my children of something amazing.

They are decent people and I do wonder if I am a tad oversensitive sometimes, its just that I have had some rough times in my life and a lot of it has shaped the way I am. I am not happy with the way I am, but it is who I am and I don't like being taken the mick out of because of it. I didn't like it at school, I don't like it from my family and I still don't like it now!!!! I think that because I clearly don't like it, people do it all the more and always have done. I am just one of those people who get the mick taken out of them then get told I can't take a joke etc. Grrrrr.

OP posts:

lestagal78 · 31/10/2013 20:58

Yanbu. I've stopped trick or treating after dd1 (asd) went around for sometime afterwards knocking on doors for treats.

If something is not seen as acceptable on other days why is it Halloween. So if I'm seen as miserable so be it.

There should not be any reason to justify why you choose not to knock on strange houses aaking for sweets.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 31/10/2013 21:04

yanbu. i went round all my neighbours and hung little bag of sweets on door handle with a note asking them not to knock on my door because im to lazy to answer ds goes bed early and the dog hates the door going. by four o'clock they had all posted/delivered sweets to my door. its genius im now sat with a mountain of sweets, no annoying knocks on the door and no dragging child to strangers houses

purrtrillpadpadpad · 31/10/2013 21:13

Find, that's lovely! I might post some sweets for my nieces next year.

slothlike · 31/10/2013 21:19

YANBU. I haven't taken my DS (3) trick or treating because it's just not my kind of thing to be honest. Not taking DC because you are ill is very reasonable.

Bigfingers · 31/10/2013 21:35

we 'played' ToT in our own house - DH took them for a 'walk' around the house while I hid behind doors, sometimes being lovely mummy with some treats for them, sometimes being a scary witch jumping out! They thought it was hysterical, got some treats, and we didn't have to beg off anyone.

mrspremise · 31/10/2013 21:51

My two went ToT round the front and back of the house and had to do something to earn their treats, I grew up in Scotland so guising is the name of the game here...

thinkofthemoney · 31/10/2013 22:09

YANBU but perhaps your friend has had a different experience of TOY to you.
Where we live people have really gone all out, decorated their houses and dressed up. One house has been planning a year and it was amazing! The whole village gets involved, it's a real party atmosphere and no one knocks at houses that don't have a pumpkin outside- but most do.
I would think your kids would be really missing out if they lived here but your friends should understand your illness and offer to take them for you.

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