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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pick dd up?

27 replies

Dancergirl · 30/10/2013 21:13

Dd is 12 and currently rehearsing for a youth ballet production. The rehearsals and show are in a town quite a way from home, about 1.5 hours away and an awkward journey. However I let her do it as my parents-in-law live near to where it is and said they would be happy for dd to stay. Dd was happy with this.

I did the first few days ferrying her back and forth myself (rota with another girl from her dance school) but even doing the one journey a day was a nightmare with the traffic etc.

She's been with my PIL since yesterday. However she's been really, really homesick. It's unusual for her as she's been away from home lots of times, school trips, residential ballet schools etc and has never been homesick. So I didn't imagine she would have problems staying with her grandparents.

But we've had tearful phone calls both last night and tonight. Why do I have to stay this long? Can't I come home early? etc etc. Of course I'm really upset for her and I know she's missing me and home. But I have made plans for my 2 younger dds for the next few days which would make doing the journey difficult. The plans were for her to stay until Sunday, I've now said I could possibly get her on Saturday but not before.

She's fine in the morning and at the rehearsals, it just seems to be the evenings. Dh thinks she'll have to stick it out, and I sort of do too but I feel upset she's so unhappy.

OP posts:

Sleepingbunnies · 30/10/2013 21:15

I'd go and get her but I'm a softy. :)

Why would you leave her somewhere she doesn't want to be?

pictish · 30/10/2013 21:15

Does she say why she is unhappy there?

Original poster

Dancergirl · 30/10/2013 21:32

She doesn't really know, I think she just wants to be at home.

She doesn't want me to tell PIL either that she's unhappy.

OP posts:

harticus · 30/10/2013 21:43

Are rehearsals quite stressful? Maybe she is just feeling anxious and needs the comforts of home.
If it were me I'd drive down and get her. She is obviously upset/worried about something.

NoComet · 30/10/2013 21:45

Knowing DD2, she just wants her lap top and access to junk TV. Having to be sociable with adults not a proto teen causes whinge. She doesn't do faintly boring. In her case in be very included to say tough.

OrangeOpalFruit · 30/10/2013 21:45

I think she needs to stick it out. She's old enough to have made an informed decision to do this, she isn't being mistreated and presumably you have paid for the ballet course. It's only a few more days. I think she'd end up regretting it if she did come home and missed out on finishing it. Be sympathetic but remind her that her was her choice and a lot of people have put themselves out to enable her to have this opportunity.

JumpingJackSprat · 30/10/2013 21:49

if she doesn't get over this homesickness now then it will happen again the next time she goes away and the next and the next. shes not being mistreated, leave her there.

Mama1980 · 30/10/2013 21:50

I think a lot depends on your dd. is this at all usual for her? Do you think it's boredom, or has she done similar before? Without a reason it's difficult. If she hasn't acted like this before and seems really upset I'd be inclined to think something really is worrying/upsetting her and would go and get her. And just brave the journey for her class. But if she has form for this sort of thing, then I'd probably give her a tough love speech and make her stick it out.

valiumredhead · 30/10/2013 21:55

She's not started her periods has she? Perhaps she doesn't want to say over phone.

Lilacroses · 30/10/2013 22:01

I would try to find out what's wrong. I am also a big softy but that is a very onerous drive back and forth unless there's something really insurmountable.

ChippingInNeedsANYFUCKER · 30/10/2013 22:03

What is the other girl doing now? Any chance you could ask if DD could get a lift with them if they are still taking their DD daily?

How well does she normally get on with her GP's?

Can you get her to tell you what the actual problem is?

Periods?

mrsjay · 30/10/2013 22:07

is she maybe tired due her period feeling a wee bit hormonal could be a factor and she just wants to come home and go to her own bed I think i would probably get her if she is asking if it is unusual for her,

WaitMonkey · 30/10/2013 22:11

I'd go and get her right now. But I can't imagine not running in the direction of my dc if they where upset. As you can guess my dc are a lot younger. I've no idea what I'd do with a 12 year old, sorry.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 30/10/2013 22:11

No not periods. She started a while ago and isn't due. She'd have told me that anyway.

I don't think it's a specific thing, she's just lonely and misses me and her sisters.

I have just found out the other girl has been getting the train down which is much easier than going by car.

I just don't know.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 30/10/2013 22:14

can you say to her stay tonight you will be fine and we will see tomorrow ? or maybe get her home tomorrow and let her get the train on friday and pick her up, it is quite late maybe next time she will rethink about wanting to go far away for a thing it isn't always easy to get them to anf from iyswim

Onsera3 · 30/10/2013 22:14

I think they get a bit hormonal and overwhelmed. My 12 yo niece did the exact same thing when she was visiting us. Supposed to take turns staying with me and her other aunt during hols but was ringing up to come back to ours after one night. Wouldn't give any of us a substantial reason and it would have been a reasonable hassle to go get her back. So her mum said she just had to stick it out a couple more days and she soon got over it.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Lilacroses · 30/10/2013 22:14

If she's never normally like this though.....yes I would get her early if possible but I suppose it may mean she might not be able to do the show in the future as the venue is such a distance away.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 30/10/2013 22:36

Whatever happens she'll still do the show. She can't let the company down.

OP posts:

BlueStarsAtNight · 30/10/2013 22:50

What are the PIL like with her? Does she get on welll with them/do they make an effort to make it fun for her? Or are they just getting on with day to day things and she has to fit in? I'd be inclined to have a chat to them before picking her up and say she's missing home but doesn't want to upset them by saying so, and see if they can make a special effort to make her feel welcome and enjoy herself. Then see how she feels.

Lilacroses · 30/10/2013 23:39

I didn't mean she wouldn't do the show op I just meant you would think twice before agreeing next time if it was so far away. Hope things work out ok. She sounds like a really talented dancer!

NomDeOrdinateur · 31/10/2013 09:41

I'd normally say "stick it out" but the fact that she's not normally like this would concern me... Are you 100% sure that her grandparents are treating her in the way she'd have expected when she made the decision?

mrsjay · 31/10/2013 09:44

I didn't mean she wouldn't do the show op I just meant you would think twice before agreeing next time if it was so far away. Hope things work out ok. She sounds like a really talented dancer!

^ is what i meant too maybe it was just to far away for her I hope she is ok what have you decided to do op

kinkyfuckery · 31/10/2013 09:51

Maybe its because "she's been away from home lots of times, school trips, residential ballet schools etc"? Shes 12!!

Original poster

Dancergirl · 31/10/2013 11:31

Dh is off today so MIL is going to pick her up from ballet and then dh will pick her up tonight from PIL's house.

There's only tomorrow, Sat and Sun left this week which will be a combination of dd getting the train and lifts with the other girls dad. It's actually quite straightforward by train, we would drop her at the station (10 mins away), it's one train no changes, and a 7 min walk at the other end.

Part of me thinks she should stick it out but I'm also a softie and she didn't know she was going to be unhappy.

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 31/10/2013 11:36

Sounds like she is far too young for the whole shebang.

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