To be angry with my Dad?(Long)!

[festered]

Okay so my Dad's always been an issue for me. We stopped speaking really when I was about 2 years old (I guess when I began showing some sort of personality!) because he didn't like me very much.Over the years we've gone from attempting to get along to not getting along at all, as a child and teen I was terrified of him because he was so loud and frightening to me , I was a quiet, shy child and he was scary to me.I left home just before I turned 16 after he gave me a black eye and college spoke to me about it, before that I guess I didn't really realise that being hit wasn't normal!Mealtimes were horrendous, he'd shout and intimindate me until I cried and got upset.
I used to dread xmas because he seemed to do his best to upset me when I was there for dinner and make nasty comments, I kind of darent' speak a lot of the time.
Anyway fast forward, the last couple of years we have gotten along better. We were both interested in fitness and did some long fell running events together, and xmas wasn't an issue any longer, he was nicer to me. I think I've been a disappointment to him. I went to university (funded by him and my Mother) and got good grades, but Ive never really known what he wanted from me, he never approved of anything I did, any job, any ventures I did, the way I dressed (I'm quite alternative) the things I was interested in etc. I guess he expected me to be something else entirely. I had a lot of rubbish relationships with men as a young adult but I avoided relationships for a long time, I never had any confidence aside from in work places, as a young woman and let people walk all over me a lot-I grew up thinking I was shit because of how my Dad spoke to me and made me feel, I wouldn't say boo to a goose and thought other people were somehow 'better' than me so I let them mistreat me.My Dad is an angry, volatile human with serious issues, shouts and storms about , uses violence to state his authority on my Mother and myself. My older Sister was treated similar to me as a youngster.
Anyway, I met my current partner 3 years ago, and he has been very good for me . My inner confidence has gone up, I'm a much happier person. I guess before him I always expected men to treat me like crap , I even found myself questioning DPs kindness toward me when we first began dating. DP isn't like this at all , he treats me very well and with a lot of respect.
HOWEVER, DP has an alcohol issue. He is very dependent on it. We're getting help for him and although It's a struggle and upsetting at times, we're getting through it slowly.
My Dad won't let DP visit my Mum and Dad's place. I understand he may be disappointed that my partner is an alcoholic, but DP is a very nice person, an intelligent man, he takes good care of me, we're happy.
For this reason I have been visiting alone but they live a long way away and I resent the fact that we cannot do things together. I guess I feel that, addiction issues or not, DP is a much better person than my Father, and I wonder is my Father resentful of the fact that I am happy with a man who doesn't shout and intimidate me? In fact, my Dad has even said in the past that he knows I like the fact that DP doesnt put any pressure on me and accepts me for who I am, but this is wrong and I need somebody who has authority on me.
I've mentioned the alcohol issue because my Dad has mentioned it however I have also been told by my Mother that one issue my Dad has with DP, is the way he looks-he thinks he's ugly!

Now obviously I don't think DP is ugly, but I am inclined to think that even if DP looked like the elephant man, why does it matter?!
I am one of those women who is stereotypically good looking I guess, and my Dad thinks I should be with somebody who is. But I think there are more important things than looks. I also happen to like the way DP looks even though he may not be what my Dad regards as good looking. I feel uncomfortable even typing that . I don't think looks matter really if you love somebody. :/

My Dad DID once let us both visit as a one off, on my birthday and he treated DP horribly, kept making jibes at him, trying to intimidate him, waited until he went to the toilet and said very loudly 'WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!!!' luckily my Sister stood up for me and DP and told him to keep his trap shut and like him for today as it was my birthday.

My Mother has suggested I write my Dad a letter. I've not visited for a few weeks now because I resent the fact that despite my Dad's lack of care toward me he can't accept DP for whatever reason, despite the fact he's improved my inner confidence and made me happy. I know alcoholism is an issue but I love DP and as far as I'm concerned, he's just a person with a problem who needs help-I trust if it was me who had an issue, he'd help me too. I dont even know if this is the issue. I kind of think my Dad doesn't like the fact that I'm with a kind, compassionate man and would prefer it if I was with somebody like him.
I daren't outright ask him. I'm still a bit scared of him tbh which is pathetic as I'm a grown woman now.
WWYD?

Nobody 'SHOULD' be jealous!
Your Dad talks rubbish.

WHat is the matter with your partner anyway? If I were him I would REFUSE to visit your Dad!
Your Dad does not like him and is rude to him and yet he waits to be granted permission to visit someone who is rotten to him?

I s'pose he goes to please you and make things easier for you, and that is nice, BUT there are limits!

Your Dad will continue to treat you the way he does as long as you allow it.
Counselling may teach you how to distance yourself from him - then and only then, may your Dad start to think about the way he is. I doubt he will but there is more chance if you stop letting him dictate to you.

My Mother told me a few weeks ago that DP and I were allowed to visit one evening

told we werent allowed to

you must know that an invitation to visit is more normal that 'being allowed to' - surely?

No he shouldn't be jealous, he should be happy for you.

The changing mind about visiting is a manipulative head fuck. The only way out of this is to distance yourself and not care what they think.

Imagine this daily if you work with him!

Oh and another thing I am somewhat bemused by is the fact that he feels he can hold authority on any partner I have. He's hardly been a great role model lol. If I was going out with someone who was abusive and nasty to me, he'd disapprove probably even though he's the man I got my self-value from lol.
But then he did say that he doesnt like the way DP is laid back and nice with me...Because he thinks a man should be more controlling. Ugh what a fucked up thing to say!

At the moment it's a power game and he has held all the power since you were small - you now have to retrieve your power without being aggressive.

I suspect that any discussion with an abusive father and a passive mother is going to be agonising, convoluted and ultimately non productive, so I'd skip that and go for setting much tougher boundaries - for instance, when he says something that is undermining or critical, simply say, 'it's not OK for anyone to speak to me like that, and that includes you'. It might be a challenge to recognise the criticism, because it's so normal, so switch your attention levels up. Importantly -don't engage in discussion/dialogue about your boundaries, just keep repeating them politely. Discussion gives a manipulator/controller a route back inside your head.

He's telling you who he is there. He's never going to change.

OP, I am worried about you because you write in quite a light-hearted tone about some really terrible things and still seem to have massive boundary issues around your family- how on earth are you going to go and run their business when you can't speak to your dad? Why are you even giving them the time of day when they rejected you and your partner's visit? I would just have turned round, gone home and never bothered going again til they said sorry and came to me.

I think you need counselling to help you with both your family and your partner's ongoing drinking problem. You talk as if your partner just has a broken leg and you're helping him out, but living with a long-term dependent alcoholic is a very difficult life and you don't seem that keen to confront the realities of your situation in either area- I also suggest you check out the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

I hope that didn't sound too harsh- you sound a lovely person, but perhaps too lovely and forgiving and seeing the best in people. I don't think continued contact with your dad is a good idea and as for running a business with your parents, this is a very bad idea indeed.

OP, I don't quite know how to say this tactfully: This relationship with your parents, your dad's attitude to your partner, your mum's attitude to your childhood, and the way your dad treats you and speaks to you - this is not normal. This is not healthy and it is not OK. You have absolutely no obligation to keep these people in your lives. I honestly think you sound like you need proper, professional counselling, to talk about your past and your family and understand exactly what they have done to you. You are very flippant about your father being violent and abusive and I wonder whether you have actually processed this? I'd get this moved to relationships tbh.

I think it is worth thinking very carefully about being part of the family business. this is another way in which you can be controlled. I fear that your dad will make you more miserable when he essentially has control of your finances and how you spend the majority of your dsy (in work). please please think about what would make you feel successful and start working towards that for yourself. you do not piggy back onto your mum and dads business. any financial benefits you could get from this is not worth the power you will be giving to your parents in return. You would not want to work for someone who hit or bullied you if they were not family.

that should read , you dont need to piggy back onto your mum and dads
business.

So.

You want to spend more time with someone who is abusive and controlling towards you, and whom you are afraid of?

You want your finances to be tangled up with (best case scenario) or dependent on (worst case scenario) someone who is abusive and controlling towards you?

I can absolutely see why your dad hates your dp - your dp (alcoholic or not) is helping you escape him.

Please talk things through with a councilor before getting into this. It's not your fault, but your interactions with your family are really not healthy.

Davsmum
Yes you're right.DP isn't that proud really-he told me his take on it is that I'm an excellent person, and my Father is the one suffering for not being appreciative of that.
He says my Father's attitude to him doesn't upset him because he doesn't value my Father's opinion of him at all, he's quite a confident person and knows he's a good man. He says if I'm trying to build bridges he'll support me through it.I know what you're saying though. I would quite likely be the same as you say, in his position.

skolastica that's the kind of advice I'd give, I think.If I visit again in the near future and he tries it , I will.In fact, it was back in May the last time he shouted at me and got aggressive and I did much the same. He told me he'd speak to me however the fuck he wanted blah blah... I was in his car and I got out and ordered a cab. lol. I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that a couple years ago.

mumsyblouse I know I'm being lighthearted. It's because I'm not overly upset about this situation. It's been a long time this has been ongoing, I have a good happy life, I want to improve things but I'm not in dire straits about it all.
Also with my partner, sure It's been stressful and yes I have had my moments-It's a struggle but this isn't what this thread's about which is why I've played it down. It's an issue and a lot of my life is made up of trying to help him but that's not for this thread-I don't mean to play it down, I am dealing with it but don't worry about me on that one. If I need help with it on here I will make a new post. At the moment that issue is as under control as it can be.And thank you, you didn't sound harsh. It is quite difficult to offend me, as I said I'm a pretty confident, happy person now. This is just something I wanted opinions on and I have them and I'm happy that I asked :)

Regards the business, I don't want to miss out on a good life opportunity, but it isn't something pending in a few weeks-it'll probably be a few years before I have to make that decision so I'll think on it. You've all made some interesting points, I appreciate it. I have a few plans for the future that can involve it or not...I'll see where I am when the time comes. Thank you hopalongon and whiteclouds.

barbarianmum that's what I think as well, I really think that is why my Dad dislikes my partner-because I have a happy relationship...And no longer have to consider my Dad's opinion or be connected to him for accomodation or anything else. He knows I live with DP and love him, and he doesn't like it. Simplistic as it sounds that is really what I think. I am glad you said that.

I have no clue why I still get scared of him , I mean It's nowhere near as bad as it has been in the past!But I still turn into a child around him and feel scared. Its weird. Not when DP is around though. When we have visited togehter in the past I'm okay!
I am going to see someone about it. Thanks everybody.

Sorry I'm bumping this thread again because I just need to say you lot would have been very proud of me had you heard me on the 'phone earlier!
I called my Mum. I asked her had my Dad said anything about her having to meet us at my Grandmother's, or anything about not letting us visit?

DM 'No. He's been busy'
Me 'I still don't know what to put in this letter I'm supposed to be writing'
DM 'Well you could just come over, and speak to him'
ME 'he never wants to talk to me when I come over!'
DM 'Well one of you has to be forthcoming, and it isn't going to be him so it'll have to be you!'
Me 'Mum, I'm not the one being a cunt'.

Hahhahah I actually said it. She was so , so shocked at my saying something like that, shouted and told me no need for language etc to which I calmly replied, 'Well, Im not. Maybe I should just not visit again if he's going to be like that?'
It seems to have worked. She says she'll have a word with him now. Honestly just me using that sentence (thank you , justthisonce).

Anyway, I'll see what happens. I feel stronger now. Perhaps I've let him off a bit too much probaly to do with the fact that despite him, I'm not a shrinking violet any more, I know I'm worthy of love and I'm doing okay-so I've forgiven a bit too much.

Thanks again folks!