Basically I am an only child. My mother lives alone (divorced 32 years ago when I was 11) and she has no other relatives. She was a lovely mum until I was 11 and she asked my dad to leave. Since then, her needs always have come first to the point of neglect at times when I look back to my teenage years yet she has continuously demanded my attention.
Examples: leaving me alone all night when I was 13 so she could spend the night with a new man; never ever getting up to see me off to school in the morning because she was tired even when she knew I wasn't eating properly; never giving me a lift anywhere, including to piano lessons which were a 45 min walk away or to my Saturday job; making it very difficult for me to visit my dad's family; etc
However, she has always been demanding and wanted me to spend time with her (when it suited her) and has always made me feel guilty for doing my own thing. For example, she pretended there was an emergency at home so I would phone her whilst I was at uni and when I challenged her on it, she just said, oh I wanted to speak to you, you never phone me! (not true - plus these were the days before mobile phones)
When I had my dc she did not support me at all, preferring instead to go on holiday with her then partner just after each one was born. I had pnd after dd1 and she did not support me then although she knew I had it. When I was 9month pregnant with dd1 and a few months after she was born at her first christmas, I had to have my grandmother to stay with me because me mother's then partner couldn't cope with the old lady. When I questioned these arrangements, I was told I was selfish.
It has always been the same. Her needs come first and are always bigger, more serious, more dreadful than mine. I feel like I'm the parent and she's the child. I have never felt my needs were important at all and have rarely gone to her with a problem. On the odd occasion I have, she has either belittled them by comparing to her own far worse situation or totally ignored them. When dd2 was diagnosed with a heart problem just after she was born and my mother decided she would still go on holiday, she told me I was behaving hysterically.
She does not respect my wishes i.e. I've asked her repeatedly not to go into gory details of her latest health issues in front of my dds but she ignores that and does so anyway. She demands to see her grandchildren but shows little interest in them, preferring to take centre stage of any discussion. In fact, when people have a conversation that does not centre around her, she becomes sulky!
She seems to resent the fact that I have a good job and have done well in my professional life. I think she'd only be happy if I was a total doormat who responded to her every whim and need.
My reaction to this situation has been to try and distance myself from her, however - and this is the tricky bit - she has had multiple, serious, health issues for the past 20 years i.e. ever since I was an adult which has made it impossible for me to distance myself as I wished. I have compromised by making weekly phone calls and fortnightly (lately weekly as she's been ill again) visits. I have also arranged for two carers to go to her at least once a week each, she has many friends and my dad (her ex) looks after her very well financially. In fact, although they are divorced, he is still completely wrapped around her little finger and always prioritises her over me.
So, to put it bluntly, I do not want to increase my contact with her. I do not enjoy her company, on the contrary, I find my time with her stressful, irritating and hurtful due to her lack of interest in me or my family. AIBU?