to "friend" this person on Facebook?

[BunnyLebowski]

The person is an old schoolfriend who I haven't seen or spoken to in years (no falling out or ill feeling - just a natural drift after I moved to another country). We're also sort of related by marriage (her Mum's sister is married to my Dad's brother).

We were best friends at primary school and I spent a lot of time at her house.

Her Mum has just died from cancer at quite a young age after only having being diagnosed 9 weeks ago .

I'm not FB friends with her and she has her FB security set so that only friends can message.

I don't want to appear ghoulish or cheeky but, having great memories of her mum, want to pass on my sympathy and thoughts.

What should I do MN?

I thought you could still message even if you can't write on their wall. x

I think you should use your family connections to get her phone number. and not bother with FB.

Send her a nice message. No harm in that.

If you know her address I would send a sympathy card.

Or send her a card.

X post

This is what FB is for...being able to contact people you don't normally see in RL, but with whom you would like to stay in contact.

I would definitely message and "friend".

Ignore FB and go the traditional route. Phone. Card.

I would send a card with a letter if you can get the address.

oh definitely. You're a relative. Send a message too. She won't think you're a ghoul.

There is definitely no option for messaging on FB. Her wall is locked down.

I don't have her number or address and would have to ring people I'm not in regular contact with to get either but that does seem like the best thing to do.

I'll ring our mutual cousin and ask for her address.

Thanks all.

I think its a lovely gesture, I know I would be happy to recieve a message like that on Facebook.

Id prefer to go down the FB route as well rather than card or letter - those seem a bit formal.

I know zippey but I'm also concerned that FB is too casual and invasive (given that she'd have to accept my friend request before I could message her).

Hmm.

yes, i would send a friend request.

I think if you aren't fb friends then any message you send would go straight to the "other" folder which not many people check.

If you click on her name, a message tab should open.

Her mum has just died. She will treasure the letters from people talking of their memories.

send a heartfelt message in a card

chances are she will want to keep all the cards anyway

I think (though not sure) that if you send a FB request you can type in a message before you send the request. So you could use the friend request merely as an email.

Dear Old Friend
I hope you do not mind me contacting you in this way, I wanted to say.....

I did this with an lady who used to work for me years back. Had lost contact and I heard she had cancer. Only way I could think to get in touch was through FB to tell her I was thinking of her. She was touched and delighted I had bothered.

So I think it would be fine as you can "explain" your friend request as you send it

Lynette it doesn't. Believe me. The 'message' button is there but only faintly as it's unclickable iyswim.

I've text my cousin passing on my love and asking for her cousin's address.

An actual card feels like a more suitable thing to do.

Fish That's what I was initially going to do but I would have to friend request first and have that request accepted before I could message her.

Which doesn't seem right.

Resolution: My cousin didn't have her cousin's address but gave me the family address.

I'll send a card there tomorrow knowing my friend will see it.

Thanks all

I agree FB is too casual. Glad you've found a resolution.