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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

opinions please.. Aibu to let my daughter meet friends in town after dark?

25 replies

MummaEss · 29/10/2013 20:43

I am just curious as to what you guys think of this.

My 13 yr old daughter (14 in Jan) walked 10 minutes down a main road tonight at 5:45 to meet her friends and go bowling. As I don't drive and we live so close to town she often does this and has left the house at later times in the past but today, due to the clocks going back, it was the first time she has left the house in the dark.

I was a bit uncomfortable and so kept her on her mobile phone until she was with her friends. They then went bowling and were picked up by a friends parent afterwards and went on to a sleepover. I spoke to her again as she left the bowling alley.

Chatting on Facebook to my friends some of them were astounded that I had allowed her to do this so I wanted to see what the general consensus would be. So ladies please let me know, AIBU?

OP posts:

alwaysneedaholiday · 29/10/2013 20:48

I don't think I would be worried at that time of day - lots of commuter traffic and people around.

You definitely mean she wasn't alone after around 5.45pm?

Surely children walk home from after-school activities at that time?

AgentProvocateur · 29/10/2013 20:49

Of course not - the only unreasonable part is that your 13 year old hasn't been out in the dark alone before. And - only my opinion - I think teens are more vulnerable, not less, on the phone, because they're not concentrating in the traffic etc. It was 5.45pm, not midnight - loads of much younger kids walk home from after school activities at that time.

SantanaLopez · 29/10/2013 20:55

In Scotland it will soon be dark at 4pm, if not earlier- we can't keep our DC locked up!

DrDre · 29/10/2013 20:55

YANBU - I walked home from school in the dark when I was younger than that (if there was something on at the end of the school day). It is still a busy time of day on a main street.

RedToothBrush · 29/10/2013 20:57

You knew exactly where she was at all times, you knew she was ok the entire time, she was on a busy main road not down a back alley and you made sure she got to her friends and you knew who those friends were. You knew she was getting picked up by a friends parent.

So what it was dark. I don't get why this somehow makes you an irresponsible parent. At some point she has to learn to leave the house after dark on her own.

You can't wrap her up in cotton wool for her entire life. And giving her a little bit of freedom now, on your terms, means she is probably less likely to go running off and do things behind your back because you won't allow her.

Really don't get what your friends problem is. Sounds like they are a wee bit hysterical and in the mind set that after dark, murderers, rapists and the boogey man suddenly jump out from every bush.

Original poster

MummaEss · 29/10/2013 21:01

Thank you for your support. It is indeed often dark when she gets in from school and she has been out in the dark before, its just that today felt a bit different as she was leaving in the dark rather than returning in it. I know that does not make sense really, but it felt different.

You have reassured me now that I am right to follow my own instincts on these things.

OP posts:

jamdonut · 29/10/2013 21:04

Perfectly reasonable,though it is very scary to start letting them do this! I get worried after 9pm...don't know why that time seems more scary tbh, but after 9pm I insist my DD (16) calls me to fetch her,unless I know she has someone to walk with.

I think "letting go" is the hardest part of being a parent!

fridgealwaysfull · 29/10/2013 21:07

My ds is 13 too and today walked back from his friend's at 7pm. There's nothing we can do about it, they are growing up. As long as it's not a quiet road I try not to worry about it. But it's hard on us!!

Mim78 · 29/10/2013 21:36

I think she was more vulnerable on her phone than not. I would advise to keep the phone hidden when she is out on her own.

marriedinwhiteisback · 29/10/2013 22:19

My dd is 15. I'd have been fine with that at nearly 14; providing it was main roads and busy. DD often nips to the high street to buy a drink/snack in the evenings. I would agree that I'd have wanted her collected from a venue/party/friends house though later than 7.30/8ish. We live in a busy area that is very safe.

puntasticusername · 29/10/2013 22:33

Just to say, I agree with the points made and about using the mobile phone in this situation. I can see why it's reassuring for you both to be in contact until you know she's safe with her friends, but I think it is likely to make her less safe while on her journey. It distracts her attention from traffic hazards etc, as mentioned, and also from others around her, including (heavens forbid) anyone who might wish to harm her. It also confirms, to a thief, that she is carrying something worth stealing.

Generally better for her to walk briskly and confidently, with head up, obviously alert and aware of her surroundings. Don't scurry along looking like a victim, or it is more likely that you will become one.

Sorry if this comes across a bit scary, it's not meant to, it's advice I had from the police a while ago, just hope it's helpful to you

Original poster

MummaEss · 29/10/2013 22:44

Thanks for that advice, I will take it on board. To be honest I always tell her the same but on this occasion I ignored my own advice. I often think about how much of my advice to my daughter I don't actually follow myself. I do hideously risky things and it is only as I try to teach my daughter to keep safe that I realize it.

OP posts:

ShootMyMIL · 29/10/2013 23:35

I think she would be more vulnerable if on the phone. Perhaps have the phone call going but tell her to keep it in her pocket or bag so you would hear if she was approached or anything

Caitlin17 · 30/10/2013 00:26

Mine was a boy and possibly the combination of living in a city in Scotland , where (a) the streets will be very busy at that time and (b) as some one else pointed, dark for several months by 4p.m, but I'm pretty certain he was out and about on his own at that time without me even thinking anything of it.

Caitlin17 · 30/10/2013 00:29

I'm sure I sent him down to our local corner shop if I'd run out of anything by that age and that would be 10 minutes there and back.

JessieMcJessie · 30/10/2013 01:05

"I do hideously risky things"...really? Like what? Unless you are shooting up, drink driving or riding a motorbike without a helmet, you probably don't.

OP, you sound over anxious about life, and you need to seek help for this before you turn your DD into a similarly anxious person. Being out at 5.45 is NOT risky, the dark has nothing to do with it.

RedHelenB · 30/10/2013 09:54

My dd1 at 13 was out & about in the dark. DD2 walked 10 mins home form an activity in the dark( all lit main roads) but I asked her if she wanted picking up if she didn't want to walk.

Scholes34 · 30/10/2013 10:16

Letting go is hard. Not quite sure how, but I've now reached the stage where DD (Year 12) went to a concert in London, got the midnight train back, cycled home from the station with three friends, completing the last five minutes of the journey on her own, arriving here about 2.00 am. Was worried, naturally.

jamdonut · 30/10/2013 10:56

Oooh Scholes34..well done! I remember how hard it was to let my (then)19 year old son get on a train (from East Yorkshire) and travel to the Welsh Coast to stay with a friend at Uni for a couple of days, then make his way home!! This was a boy ,who until then was the sort that shut himself in his room on the computer all day!

I was amazed and very proud that he managed it with absolutely no problems!! :)

JessieMcJessie · 30/10/2013 13:23

Jam donut, your son was old enough to vote and you were worried about him going on a train by himself?? Unless he has special needs, that is absurd.

WilsonFrickett · 30/10/2013 13:58

I have a friend like this - and that's in Scotland where it does get dark at 4pm. She spends a lot of time driving DCs here there and everywhere. Personally, I just don't get the whole 'the dark' thing. Bad things happen in the light too...

AuntieMaggie · 30/10/2013 14:08

YABU to keep her on her phone while she was walking - it doesn't make her any safer, in fact it does make her more vulnerable and the police and suzy lamplugh org advise against it.

jamdonut · 31/10/2013 15:02

JessieMcJessie

As I said...he spent most of his teenage years hidden away in his bedroom on the computer. He was not streetwise or confident at all ( that is not for the want of me and DH trying to get him to get out a bit more. )

During 6th form he started to go out with friends a bit . Then, he "failed" one of his A levels which completely knocked him for six, and that sent him into a decline and we hardly ever saw him except for the odd mealtime.

Then he announced he was going on this long train journey involving several changes on the way. Now you may think it is odd that a boy 'old enough to vote' couldn't do that,but he had never been on the train on his own at all up to that point,let alone going from one side of the country to the other !! And he was travelling on his own.

So imagine how anxious I felt that he was going to do this. And, as I said, how amazed and proud I was that he got there and back with no mishaps at all.

Nothing to do with SN at all, unless you consider he may have been a bit depressed,but he wouldn't allow us to help him with that.

He is 21 now, and has picked himself up, has a job and goes to college and is so confident now and spends time with us and his siblings now...so different from the boy I was originally talking about.

Littleen · 31/10/2013 18:15

I do not think this is unreasonable at all! Got to give kids space to grow up :)

prettybird · 31/10/2013 18:22

On the contrary, I think YWBU (You Would Be Unreasonable) if you didn't let her do things like this

It's all part of letting go and encouraging independence and a sense of judgement.

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