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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore this invitation... (inlaw related)

26 replies

NachoAddict · 28/10/2013 14:13

I have had lots of issues in the past with my inlaws starting when I was pregnant, we fell out for a few months but made up to keep dp happy, things went well for a while and then we fell out agin. That was in July and I havent seen or spoken to them since. Dp still goes occassionally but only to pick up or drop off dsd. We fell out because basically MIL told me to "take my fucking kids and fuck off". I have done exactly that.

(Previous thread for anyone wanting more detail)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1815689-To-change-me-childcare-arrangements-Inlaw-related

Now SIL has asked DP to take the children, all three, round for her sons birthday party. She lives with MIL. I have said absolutley no way will ANY of the children be going. Dp said I am being spiteful, controlling, nasty and using the baby as a weapon against his mum.

Am I really being unreasonable???

OP posts:
brass · 28/10/2013 14:17

I can't say without knowing all the history but from your post I would say DSD should go but not the others as they haven't been going any other time.

Your biggest problem will be your DP if he isn't on the same page as you.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 28/10/2013 14:19

Thanks Brass, DSD will be going regardless of wether my kids go or not, there is no question of that.

OP posts:
TheFabulousFuckingIdiotFucker · 28/10/2013 14:21

I would let them go but only if I could go too.

I know that would be hard but imagine how much they will squirm when you arrive too.

CoffeeTea103 · 28/10/2013 14:22

Your mil was definitely out of line by saying this and I don't blame you for not wanting to have anything to do with her. Do you think your SIL wants to make amends by asking for all the kids to be there? Regardless your mil owes you an apology for what she has said. But the biggest problem is your DH. How can he turn around and say that to you knowing what his mother has said. Are any of your kids his kids?

CoconutRing · 28/10/2013 14:26

I think your Mil is spiteful to tell you to "fuck off " in the first place. What a charming woman, just the sort of GM your children need.

As you say, you haven't had contact since July, why should you put your DC in such a dismal environment. Your DP should be on your side. It sounds like his DM has been whispering these foul words into his ear in an attempt to undermine your relationship.

YANBU.

DeckSwabber · 28/10/2013 14:26

What will your kids think? will they feel left out?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 28/10/2013 14:26

They are so hard faced they would just ignore me.

Yes the youngest is dp's, he is 15 months. the older two are his step children. A lot of the issues stem from the fact that dp lives with my children and not his own dd. They had seperated a long time before dp met me but MIL clearly has issues with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NachoAddict · 28/10/2013 14:29

Deckswabber - The party is on halloween and we have been invited to another party, We could make both but if the dc hear about SILs party I will just say but we had fun at the other party instead.

I agree Coconut, he was fully supportive at first, in July, of not going there again but clearly she has been trying to persuade him.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 28/10/2013 14:31

It seems as though your mil sees your son with DH as her grandchild only and not your other two. Also by your DH saying that you're using the baby against his mother, that seems he too thinks of it the same.
He needs to support you with regards to all your children and not only by referring to your DS.

BoundandRebound · 28/10/2013 14:35

Invite SIL to yours for a birthday tea instead

TheFuckersonInquiry · 28/10/2013 14:37

The problem is with your DP. He needs to deal with this. It sounds like a horrible situation.

Have you actually been invited? Can you go and just chat with other people and hang out with the kids?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 28/10/2013 14:44

I dont think I am invited, the message dp came home with was - SIL expects all of the kids at dn party. Obviously your not going so I will take them. So I'm not sure if I am invited and he has assumed (rightly) that I wouldnt be up for it or wether I am not invited.

We did have dn here the other week overnight so I guess we could again. He did used to come a lot before we fell out.

I totally agree with you Coffee, that is the basis of all arguments we have on the matter.

OP posts:
eatriskier · 28/10/2013 14:46

I totally agree. Your DP is the problem here. Would you be willing to go if MIL apologised? If so then your DP needs to make that clear. But I would only be letting him take DS2 on condition MIL apologised. Your elder kids need never be near that vile woman again. Actually SIL too, she needs to apologise for her part too. If your DP can't see that then there are bigger issues.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 28/10/2013 17:06

I would go if she apologised although it would be reluctant I would make that effort. She will never apologise though. Last time we fell out it all just got brushed under the carpet and I think that is what everyone is expecting to happen again.

OP posts:
LimitedEditionLady · 29/10/2013 12:55

Does SIL appreciate your kids?if she does then id say yes make the effort and go.

NynaevesSister · 29/10/2013 13:16

It depends on your relationship with SiL. If there hasn't been a problem there I would be inclined to let them go to the family birthday party for her sake and your son's cousin. Assuming here the older two are able to tell you if MiL mouths off at them or about you.

However there is the other party. So I might be inclined to go to that with the older two and then let the toddler who won't understand English yet go. But I would sit down and have a big heart to heart with SiL explaining why you feel you can't expose the children to someone who treats their mother like that and who talks about them like that. And that your 15 month old isn't part of a separate family but a whole one and they need to understand that.

If she is part of the prob then screw the lot of them.

Original poster
NachoAddict · 29/10/2013 15:59

SIL caused the row in the first place.

she and dp disagreed about wether the children should be sent outside to play or not.
I said nothing. They were bickering and I didn't feel the need to get involved.
SIL turned on me saying I was a lazy parent and my son would grow up with mo social skills because I was letting him play on his ds rather than sending him outside. Note, I had said nothing up till this point.
Trying to avoid a row I said well we all parent differently, I do things my way and you do things yours. We went home to avoid further argument.

Next day MIL told me that in there house they do things their way and how dare I upset SIL by telling her that I would parent my way. if I want to parent my way then I can tale my fucking kids and fuck off. This was followed up later with a text saying that baby ds and dp are welcome at her house anytime. I said so its just me and older dc that you have a problem with? She replied well baby ds doesn't piss me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
NachoAddict · 29/10/2013 16:01

Just to point out I wasn't disagreeing with her sending the children outside, I totally agree that if you go to someone's house then you follow their rules. My comment was in direct response to her calling me a lazy parent for letting ds play ds all the time which he doesn't anyway.

OP posts:
LimitedEditionLady · 29/10/2013 16:12

So its not that SIL has a problem with the kids then.id say if you want to mend things then go,even for an hour and then to the other party.sil obviously doesnt want any of the kids excluded.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 29/10/2013 16:20

I would have SIL round and make your peace with her - after all you did not mean to fall out with her - you just got caught up between her and her brother, trying not to get involved.

Leave MIL to stew - it was none of her business anyway and if she is going to involve herself and tell you to fuck off, she is best ignored.

Then go to both parties.

PTFO · 29/10/2013 16:22

TBH, They sounds really nasty. I'd stay well away from all of them. The problem is that your dh has not stood up for you, allowing his sister and mother to unleash all their anger on you for no good reason.

your dh needs to clear things up if their is to be a future with them.

Jux · 29/10/2013 16:37

I don't understand why your dh seems to have got out of this scot free. He and his sis were nickering. She dragged you into it. You backed him up. So far so good. MIL then screams abuse at you about you and your kids.

DH does nothing.

Why is he not bending over backwards making sure they all know that it wasn't your argument but his and SIL's? Why hasn't he got it sorted? Why hasn't he told MIL that she must never speak to you of you and your children like that again? Why hasn't he told your SIL the trouble she has caused?

Original poster
NachoAddict · 29/10/2013 16:49

He did say initially that it wasn't my fault and they were out of order and we have stopped going round there so he says he is defending me by not going there.

SIL said she thought I was going against her by saying I will do things my way, ie she thought I was saying don't tell my children to go outside. No apology though for getting her wires crossed and winding her mum and and 'setting her on me' so to speak.

OP posts:
bamboobutton · 29/10/2013 16:51

yanbu. if anyone spoke to me like that then I wouldn't darken their doorstep ever again, nor would my "fucking kids"

my fil did speak to me lke that, in front of the kids, and I haven't seen him for.. ooh.. 3 years now. its been great.

your dp sounds like a spineless cock and it seems like another case of "blameless woman gets the blame while blameable man gets off scot free"

Mojavewonderer · 29/10/2013 16:53

We have the same issues with my husbands family. They don't like the fact that he lives with my kids, his step kids and they don't get to see his kids unless they have them in the holidays but they are hard work so they are refusing to have them anymore so it's all our fault somehow??!! They are nice to my face and then rude about me behind my back. My kids have never been looked after by them and nor would I ever let them! I think they are awful and I've banned them from my house.
Personally I would refuse to let any of them go. Take them out somewhere nice instead!

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