Do I have to choose between them? Or should I tell this friend to sort herself out?

[withfriendslikethese]

Ok this is probably going to be long (have name changed as well as situation possibly recognisable.) I have two old friends, let's call them friend A and friend B. We all go back a fair way, about 15 years and at one point were thick as thieves.

Friend A is quite high maintenance and prone to being a bit controlling and a bit of a Queen Bee. Friend B is very laid back and is flaky as hell about keeping to social arrangements, has form at bailing out of things at the last minute etc (though in fairness has a full on job and a young child but flakiness predates this.)

Friend A and friend B's relationship has been deteriorating slowly over a period of several years but got to a breaking point about a year ago when friend A publicly fell out with friend B's partner at a party and then slagged him off to her afterwards. Friend A has a long history of being negative about her friends' partners and spouses - they are never good enough etc. sometimes she is right but no-one ever takes her seriously anymore on this topic because she basically tars all men with the same brush (she has been single for a long time.)

So essentially I am in friend B's camp on this situation or I was at the time.

Since then friend A has talked repeatedly about wanting to get back in touch with friend B. Friend B has said she is happy to let bygones be bygones etc and is happy to meet up.

Problem is that Friend B has since agreed to three or four attempts to get us all together and then bailed literally at the last minute. It's hard to know whether she is passive aggressively saying she can't be arsed with friend A or whether she is just being a bit rubbish as is her wont.

It usually falls to me (or another mutual friend) to set these things up and I am getting quite hacked off with having to set these things up and deal with the fallout each time when friend B - inevitably - bails. Friend A is visibly hurt each time she is blown out but the penny doesn't seem to drop and she keeps asking me to set something up again.

I want to say to friend b that she should basically make her mind up, either she decides to cut friend A out of her life properly or she makes and sticks to an arrangement and draws a line under the past but it's not fair to keep dangling the promise of a reconciliation and then bailing. Or should I say to friend A that it just isn't going to happen?

I think you should tell both friend A and friend B that you're going to stay out of it from now on and they can sort out their own social arrangements.

Tell A to make the arrangements herself...

Why doesn't A phone B, speak to her ,clear the air and leave you out of it entirely?

Both. Stay out of until it comes up again.
If A asks for something to be set up tell her that you'd love to meet up with A&B but A must instigate it herself.
If B accepts and mentions it to you, say to B that you're looking forward to it but A is always left upset and everyone else feels awkward when B has ditched last minute so can she not do that this time.

Basically call them both put on their childish behaviourm. A shouldn't need you to be go between and B shouldn't be so flaky, that's a life style choice not a disability

SanDiego Friend A had spoken to friend B on the phone and by text. It's just the actual meeting that seems to be the sticking point.

if they won't or can't meet up that's nothing really to do with you.

if they're texting etc then just leave this one up to them and if they ask just say same thing.

I think you should remove yourself entirely and say look, I am not going to be involved in this at all. Sort it out directly. Show up or don't but I am arranging nothing more.

They are adults. If they want to sort it out, they can do. The more you stay in the middle, the more likely it is that you'll somehow end up at the centre of this row and they'll turn on you and end up expecting you to take sides or some such stupidity.

And you are involved why?

not sure why you, or anyone else, is having to arrange this?

friends a and b are presumably adults? give them each others phione numbers and leave them to it

Leave them to sort themselves out.

Queen Bee & Flakey-couldn't be bothered with either of them tbh.

Mindmaps because friend A keeps asking me about it and talking to me about friend b and how much she misses her at length. Also for selfish reasons in that its much harder to organise anything because of the politics.

yes but be firm with friend A and just tell her kindly but firmly to deal with friend B..

that's what me and my friends do. and if someone falls out etc and the other one doesn't want to get involved we don't do get involved. there, all naice and grownup.

and I'm the world's biggest drama queen.

Tell A to organise it or tell B or organise it. Not sure why you are.

A sounds a bit annoying but B is being rude by flaking out continually. I think she should be pulled up on it.

After all she's flaking out on you as well as A

Stop getting involved. When they start with the wah wah miss you crap say " tell them, not me".

I actually think it's up to B to sort it out. She's the one who's bailed multiple times so it's up to her to approach A and organise meeting up or at least open the lines of communication if that's what she wants. She was in the right over the original fall out, but you can't keep the high ground if you keep people dangling on a promise. It's also really unfair to use you if she actually is intending to be passive aggressive.

YANBU to tell B straight that you're not prepared to let down A again on her behalf so you'll let her know that B will be organising something directly with her and then refuse to talk about it with either should the subject come up about playing UN negotiator with the pair of them,