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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL annoyed that I won't commit to a big event with such a small baby.

100 replies

Bambamb · 27/10/2013 17:27

Trying to keep it short:

I am pg & due mid-Nov.
MIL has organised a big christmassy get together early December which would involve a long drive, overnight stay, full day of events (out and about at public events, not a private function) and formal dinner out.
We have only just been informed of this & I have responded to say I don't want to promise that we'll be there as we will have a baby of between 2 and maybe 4 weeks old depending on when it arrives. I have no idea where we'll be with breastfeeding, sleep, generally feeling able to leave the house etc.!
We haven't said definitely no but I strongly suspect we won't be feeling up to it, it will be an ordeal I think. I also don't know how the birth will go and if I'll feel physically recovered by then.

Also want to point out, we did the same thing the last two years in a row and after last years event MIL asked if we would like her to book again for this year and we (plus other family members) all said no which is why it has come as a bit of a surprise that we are suddenly expected to be attending something we didn't even know was happening.

MIL has the hump, AIBU?

OP posts:

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 27/10/2013 17:58

They forget, in her day they had 2 weeks in hospital with their feet up and nurses doing everything for them... My MIL is expecting the same of us at Easter next year, it's not happening. When I had our DD I was dragged 300 miles across the country for a wedding, it was pure agony for all concerned, I felt like and looked like shit and it knocked me back weeks in terms of recovery. She can just insult the selfish old coote

BillyBanter · 27/10/2013 17:59

Yes, there are some things* you just have to get on with with a newborn. This isn't one of them.

*as long as there are no complications.

FunkyFucker · 27/10/2013 18:02

I'd love to but you will notice I'm pregnant.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 27/10/2013 18:06

When she says things like that Op, just say 'Oh I'm sure you did just get on with it (or whatever she has just said) but times have changed and I'm going to do xyz now'. Repeat ad nauseum until she realises that her opinions won't change your actions.

BillyBanter · 27/10/2013 18:09

Following your subsequent post get your DH to tell her. Something along the lines that he would not dream of allowing/asking you to do it so soon after giving birth.

cashmiriana · 27/10/2013 18:10

Just say no. (Easier said that done, I know)

I upset ILs by refusing to go to DH's cousin's wedding 400 miles from home, when I was 38 weeks pregnant. The thought of that was bad enough. The thought of not being in my own home a few weeks after the birth with a baby who will probably still be feeding every couple of hours would be infinitely worse.

I just 'got on with things' when my DD2 was born (family bereavement, DH starting new job, DD1 starting school on day baby was born - yes lousy timing all round) and while I coped at the time, looking back it clearly made me ill. You and your baby deserve and need peace quiet and the comfort of your own home, especially in the depths of winter.

Original poster

Bambamb · 27/10/2013 18:24

Yes, there are some things you just have to get on with with a newborn. This isn't one of them.*

Exactly how I feel about it!

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 27/10/2013 18:29

I think the only thing you're being U about is not giving her a definite answer.

Better for her to know now that you won't be attending than hanging around waiting for an answer.

I'm sure she'll be disappointed but, well, she'll just have to get on with it won't she

foreverondiet · 27/10/2013 18:31

Say you can't come. Don't leave it outstanding....

rabbitlady · 27/10/2013 18:45

just say no.
honestly.
no.

MintyChops · 27/10/2013 18:54

A definite "No" is your best friend here. Good luck with the we baby!

quoteunquote · 27/10/2013 18:55

Say No thanks, how kind of you to try to involve us, but it will never work for us.

I promise you on the day, you will not suddenly sit up and say,

"Darling, lets take a long drive, and stay overnight at your mother's, as I feel like having an eventful day , the baby would love to get off this breast and go out and about he/she hasn't been to nearly enough public events,and I feel like dressing up, ask your mum if she fancies a big social formal dinner out in the evening, baby would love that".

I bet on the day you will be so relived not to be going anywhere.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2013 18:58

Agree with others, just say no now. I bet if you really feel like you can do it and you want to, you'll be able to join at the last minute. I also bet if you've said no, you aren't expected, you won't feel like joining in at the last minute.

MyBoilsAreFab · 27/10/2013 18:59

Just say no. Your reasoning is perfectly valid. What it baby is overdue, you have a traumatic birth or a c-section? At that stage, I was lucky if I was dressed by afternoon and the thought of going anywhere and trailing around was inconceivable. At that stage you need to stay close to home, people should understand this, and if they do not, then they ABU.

ArabellaBeaumaris · 27/10/2013 19:03

It's totally reasonable to say no, & your MIL is not being reasonable. But I just wanted to add that I went to my SIL wedding at 3weeks post partum, it was a massive family do, we stayed dancing till 1am & it was great. Dd1 slept most of the time in the baby carrier or car seat.

I don't say that to make out that you have to go, but just so that there is a voice from someone who was happy to be up & out early-ish on.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2013 19:03

May i.present the other side? with both my DDS they fed easily, and pretty much just slept for the first month. So going out wasn't a problem at all pretty much from day 1. I would have been bored shitless resting at home for more than a day. So, you might be able to. But as others have said, you don't know what you'll get!

Blu · 27/10/2013 19:06

I went on hol when DS was 2 weeks old - we decided on the spur of the moment, because it was possible and we felt like it. We went to hotel for 3 nights, I drove, we went to the beach, mooched about, had dinner, it as fine.

You might be up to it and looking forward to I, you might not, so you can't commit.

And you certainly shouldn't be in a situation where you feel pressurised to go because you have said you will. You need to be in a position to call all the shots.

Lavenderhoney · 27/10/2013 19:08

Just no.

Sitting in a car, crying baby, have to stop to bf, struggling to latch, waiting whilst baby feeds for ages, needs nappy change, all in car and most likely tipping with rain, then drive arguing quietly and or crying, baby starts screaming as hates car and wants a cuddle, stop to bf etc etc

Arrive at mil, she snatches baby who starts yelling, bf in room alone, as milk going everywhere as baby won't latch. Mil bursts in getting a look at your boobs and giant tummy, dh finally appears with tea and cake, baby needs changing, you need the loo, Ffs baby wants to feed again, your dress is now ruined by milk, you begin to hate your dh.

Then you stay in a house, listening to the party, can't have a wee in peace, have nowhere to put giant sanitary towels, baby yells all night, mil says hers didnt, you take offence and vow never to see her again.

Then you get in the car and drive home, sobbing quietly and having to stop every 20 mins and baby wants to feed, hates car, wants to be cuddled.

Just say no. And have Christmas at home.

Mamagiraffe · 27/10/2013 19:12

"sorry I was a bit vague before, I was a bit taken aback at the invite because of how ridiculous it was. Obviously it's not going to be even remotely possible so please don't count us in. Thanks for thinking of us though."

havingastress · 27/10/2013 19:12

No, No , NO, NO and NO!

Agree with Lavendar above. Indeed, sounds like an episode with my newborn and MIL (shudder). Really wish I'd said "no' and loudly.

beginnings · 27/10/2013 19:17

I said no to an event that ended up being when DD2 was five weeks. I got sniffy looks. I couldn't have cared less.

Some people seem to forget remarkably quickly what the first few weeks feel like!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2013 19:19

Fgs,, looking after a new born, who on average sleep 20 hours a day, isn't that difficult!!

nennypops · 27/10/2013 19:22

They forget, in her day they had 2 weeks in hospital with their feet up and nurses doing everything for them

I doubt it, you know. Her day was probably around my day, when we had 3-4 days in hospital and were expected to have the baby by the bed and to deal with all the feeding, bathing, changing etc.

But I do agree, OP is definitely NBU.

CrapBag · 27/10/2013 19:26

Blimey!!! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I remember how utterly overwhelmed I felt with DS when he was born. I panicked over every little thing, there is no way in hell I would felt up to anything like your MIL wants.

Let her get sniffy, she was told that people didn't want to do it this year and she went ahead anyway so that's her problem really.

Enjoy your new baby.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2013 19:27

arethereanyleftatall - it's not really about looking after the newborn, it's about looking after a woman who's body has just been through childbirth, and yes, some woman have the sort of labours that are done within 6 hours with only a couple of stitches that heal up nicely and bounce back ASAP, (so jealous of my friend who had that for her first, then 3 hours for the second!), others have been through 27 hours, end up with instrumental deliveries and feel like death for a fortnight afterwards.

Some babies do sleep 20 hours as newborns, but neither of mine did. Some sleep through at 2 weeks (again, so jealous of SIL this time!) others take months before they sleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch (which is managable, but does take your body a couple of months to adjust too.) Some latch easily and feel for 20-30 minutes. Other latch badly, and when they do feed it takes 3 hours (thanks DD).

The OP doesn't know what she's getting.

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