Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be annoyed at DP staying over at ex's

44 replies

Stephb88 · 26/10/2013 23:12

Apparently I'm over-reacting so wanted some views.

My partner has 2 children with her ex husband. They've been split for 5 years, divorced for 1. One child was supposed to be staying with her dad tonight.

My partner is feeling a bit down today over a family issue and I found out an hour ago she's staying over at her ex husbands as she "doesn't want to be alone thinking about the family issues".

We've been together for almost a year and planning to move in together in the near future. She wants us to before christmas but I'm holding off. I have a child myself living with me so wanting to give it more time before giving up my home and moving 90 miles away.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but I have this image in my head of them all playing 'happy families'. We've just spent all the school holidays plus the past 6 weeks up until a week ago together. I came home to sort out my childs birthday next week and to me it feels like she's gone running back to her ex the moment I'm not there.

Am I just being a jealous so-and-so and over-reacting?

I've not said much to her yet. She knows I'm not happy and simply stated "I don't need this tonight. I just don't want to be alone, don't let your mind run away with you".

OP posts:

MaryAnnTheDasher · 27/10/2013 06:16

YANBU however your saying 'we have worked so much on her self esteem ' does strike me as odd. It is not your job to fix your DP and I don't think it's a particularly healthy dynamic to have emerged so early on in a relationship.

ladymariner · 27/10/2013 06:40

This is not a healthy relationship at all and personally I think you should take a step back and look long and hard at just what you're getting out of it. It sounds to me as if she crooks her little finger and you come running.

Well that's up to you if it only affected you but what about your little boy...I'm sorry but you sound as if his needs are secondary by a long way to hers and that to me is totally unacceptable. You say you treat her children like your own, does she do the same to yours?

In your own words, your relationship with your little boy is suffering.....surely that alone is enough to make you want to change things. He should be number one in your life and the fact that he isn't, that you're wiling to up sticks and jump to her constant demands, makes me feel very sorry for him indeed.

Mojavewonderer · 27/10/2013 06:52

I think YANBU she is! Completely out of order and I think subconsciously you have been holding off from moving in with her for good reason. I certainly wouldn't move 90 miles for someone who goes running back to the ex as soon as you are out the picture and has the audacity to say you are unreasonable! Sod that! More trouble than its worth if you ask me.

Mojavewonderer · 27/10/2013 07:03

Op I really think she's using you. You are far too good for her and the relationship is completely unhealthy for you and your son!! You say you are hesitant of moving in with her because of your son well if you really truly love and care for your son then DONT DO IT!! Believe me op I have been there! It will break you both.
Btw you know he will have tried every trick in the book to get her into bed last night and a sensible person wouldn't have stayed over to give him the opportunity. Think on that.

BlatantRedhead · 27/10/2013 07:12

YANBU! An earlier comment said something about your behaviour raising red flags - ignore that, it's ridiculous. HER behaviour is raising red flags, I'd have been in tears too in your position. It does sound like she's using you OP.

Fecklessdizzy · 27/10/2013 08:58

Listen to your inner voice telling you not to commit to this relationship - you are being used. If you don't jump to her side she runs off to him ... Not a healthy dynamic for you or your son.

Frankly you sound like a good person who deserves better than this. Steer clear of people who always need rescuing and then hop straight back into trouble as soon as you try to get on with your own life!

bakingaddict · 27/10/2013 09:33

This is a toxic relationship get out for the sake of yourself and your son. BTW is she totally open and confident about her sexuality. I assumed from some of your posts that you have a same sex relationship. I see that her wanting to b with her ex instead of family or friends may signify something deeper especially if he has been a bastard to her. I dont know if this is normal for abused woman to do this when they have a happier committed relationship with a new partner but it would raise serious alarm bells for me in your situation if this is the case. Ignore me if I have totally misread your posts

ThePinkOcelot · 27/10/2013 09:46

Op, from reading your posts, it seems like you are her carer and not her partner. I think this relationship can only bring you misery. I would break away now before your self esteem is rock bottom. She sounds very needy and selfish. Sorry but I can't see a future in this. Xx

FannyFifer · 27/10/2013 09:57

This woman sounds like she is taking the piss out of you to be honest.
Run for the hills. It is not your job to fix her or pay for her children's Xmas.

FannyFifer · 27/10/2013 09:59

Also you do not put her above your poor little boy. Dragged out his bed in the middle of the night etc, wtf, he is your main priority not this selfish madam!

Scarymuff · 27/10/2013 10:03

You need to work on your own boundaries. What are you prepared to accept, what are you prepared to put up with.

It sounds like a very complicated situation and, honestly, the best thing for your own wellbeing would be to walk away from it. She is not ready to commit to you. If you allow her to treat you like this it will continue.

Maybe tell her that her decision to ignore your feelings has given you pause for thought and that you want a break from the relationship to think about what you want, need and can reasonably expect.

I think you need time on your own and maybe read up on self esteem, boundary setting/enforcing, for yourself.

tigerlillyd02 · 27/10/2013 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigerlillyd02 · 27/10/2013 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladymariner · 27/10/2013 17:19

Read that back to yourself! Honestly, read it back and ask yourself if you really need all this crap from someone who is in love only with herself.

Get out now, don't respond to her stupid, immature and tbh, deranged sounding demands, and lavish all that love and attention on the person who actually deserves it and who has been going without it - your son!!

Scarymuff · 27/10/2013 17:30

I have reported your post too OP, in the hopes that MN will see multiple reports and look at it quickly for you.

In the meantime, I have to say, your dp does not sound ready and/or able to be in a relationship with you right now. You do not have to persuade her that she is being unreasonable. It's enough to say 'I'm not happy with the way things are right now, I think we should end this relationship'.

If she values you at all she will have to have a really good think about what she wants and how she has been treating you. It doesn't have to be over for good but as long as she is in denial you will get nowhere like this.

CanucksoontobeinLondon · 27/10/2013 20:03

OP, you are right to hesitate over moving in together. I too think she's using you (probably subconsciously). I'm sorry but it's time to walk away, for your own sake and that of your son.

wouldbemedic · 28/10/2013 20:46

I have read through this feeling appalled that there is such a sad situation involving children. It's not healthy to have a relationship in which one person is acting as a life coach for the other. It's not fair to have a child and then sign up to a relationship with a person who takes more energy and commitment than any child.

It's not fair to your partner to encourage her to believe that this is a normal dynamic. In my opinion, she's most unlikely to change in any case - she's been controlled and helpless in the past. Now she has a new relationship where there doesn't seem a healthy amount of reciprocity. For whatever tragic reasons of her own, this is the pattern that's developing for her. I would also question that you have a robust understanding of a healthy relationship dynamic, given how much you talk about your partner as if she is someone you're counselling. Don't you think she deserves to be in a relationship in which she's not seen in this light? What checks and balances are acting to constrain you, given that you're - at least on the outside - running rings around your partner in terms of emotional maturity? What is she working on with you? Or are you more sorted? Someone who would allow their son to suffer in any way because of a new partner doesn't sound more sorted, to be honest.

It's clear your feelings for her are genuine and your intentions are fantastic but I would really question the premise of what you are doing. A relationship isn't about changing another person, it's about spending time together and getting to know them. If there's loads to change, then the timing's off. This isn't the way for your partner to learn independence and wholeness. She needs to do the groundwork for that largely on her own, then enter a relationship when she's able to hold her own - by your reckoning, that might be around the time you'd judge her ready to move in with you (very patronising to her, by the way).

And forgive me, but what is your son supposed to think? Would you like him to pick up with a partner like this? He's much more likely to do so if he's seen you blazing a trail. Has it occurred to you that your partner might end up being your son's next of kin, given that his dad's passed on? What a liability for him.

LovesBeingHereAgain · 28/10/2013 21:02

Op I hope you are ok. Trust your instincts. She was in a terrible place and maybe tge time you've spent together will be over soon who knows but tge really important thing your your child and yourself

parakeet · 28/10/2013 21:32

She was using to you to escape from him, but now she's dithering over who she wants more, you or him. Sorry, that's how it looks. No, it is not normal to spend the night at an ex-partner's house once you are in a new relationship, no matter what family troubles you are experiencing. Not normal behaviour at all.

From your point of view, don't you want a relationship with someone you see as an equal, rather than a child?

Flip

1 2