Is it U for me to be feeling this way? If so help me toughen up!

[JemimaGina]

My best friend’s bridal party are trying on their dresses today. I was going to be one of them until I found out I was due DC2 7 days after her wedding (I am 13 weeks today.)

I really want to be there for BF on her wedding day but did offer to step down from bridesmaid duties when I found out about the pregnancy – it’s not my wedding and she has the right to not have any worries on her big day. She had a think about it and said – as she would be worried about my travelling to the wedding even as a guest – she’d rather I wasn’t a bridesmaid. BF’s wedding, her decision and I understand completely.

I’m meant to be going to the dress trying on today so I can tell the other bridesmaids and officially ‘bow out’, as it were. But I can’t stop crying. Feel like I’ve let BF down and really upset that I won’t be part of my friend’s day (so self-indulgent I know, but I can’t help feeling like this she’s like my sister.) I feel like I’ll ruin today just by being there, explaining to the others why I won’t be part of it.

So please help – would you feel the same or is it pg hormones?!? Should I just ring BF and say I can’t come today? Or woman up (in which case I need some serious AIBU lecturing)?

Going to mop myself up now - for reading.

Does she want you there? If she does, then in the nicest possible way, toughen up and go. I do know how you feel though, I was supposed to be my bf's bridesmaid but am pregnant and due a few weeks before her wedding which is in Ireland (if all goes well, I'm only 5+3). She's already bought my dress, fortunately its £30 so I can just give her the money. I do feel like a bitch for making things difficult for her, and sad that I can't be as involved as I would like.

How is getting pregnant 'letting her down'? It's not as if you did it specifically to get out of being a bridesmaid. I am sure she is delighted and excited for you, while disappointed that you won't make it to the wedding. I suspect hormones may be making you a bit more emotional about this than you need to be.

How will telling the others you are pregnant ruin the day? They'll be delighted for you, which will no doubt temper their disappointment over you not being bridesmaid.

You are doing the right thing bowing out by the way. DD was 2 weeks early by EMCS so there is no way I could have gone to a wedding 7 days before my due date- I could barely walk properly by then.

If the time comes and you are feeling fine, you can still go to the wedding and support your best friend, the same as if you were bridesmaid, you just won't have a matching dress!

I can understand why you feel a bit upset but it's not like you've done anything wrong, you're having a baby! I can understand though the feeling that you have always expected you would be her bridesmaid and it's not going to happen so you are naturally disappointed. Go and enjoy the day. And don't look at it as telling them you're bowing out, look at it as telling them the brilliant news that you're pregnant.

Maybe you can ask your BF to be godmother? Don't beat yourself up over this. In the great scheme of things it really doesn't matter. Your BF knows how much you mean to her and you don't need to get dressed up in a silly dress to prove that!

Hormones definitely not helping - am sobbing like a little girl! Have just made tea and crumpets and grabbed a box of cherry bakewells

I think it's the disappointment that's doing it exexpat I hate that she'll feel worried and disappointed about anything to do with her wedding. I was so happy she was there to help me on my wedding day but I won't be doing the same for her, or will feel a bit spare part-y if I try.

Winkly it's crap innit?

Why not ask her is you can play another role such as doing a reading (something that can be bowed out of at last moment).

CrohnicallyTired I suppose it feels a bit like thunder-stealing - I know it's bridesmaids trying on dresses but still...

Really nice suggestions as well re still being a part of the wedding and asking bf to be a godmother.

Are you sure you can't still be a part of the wedding? My BF faked me to be her bridesmaid, I accepted & a few months later fell pg & my due date was her wedding day!

I was still bridesmaid, still did the duties, although I found the hen w'end hard (was 30 weeks). My BF had a dress especially made to accommodate my huge bump. DD had different ideas & ended up being born at 36 weeks!

My BF took it on her stride, going out & buying me a pretty summer dress 3 weeks before the wedding. I didn't match the other bridesmaid but my BF didn't care. She just wanted me there & luckily she got to hold her God daughter on her big day :-)

Faked? Mean asked!

She obviously wants you to still be part of the pre-match build up so is trying really hard to include you by asking you along today, so please dry your eyes, go and have a lovely day with your lovely, understanding friend.

pregnancy hormones, definitely (hug)

Congratulations btw

You're not letting her down, dafty. She made the decision that she didnt want to risk it (maybe you're disappointed about that on the quiet??)

If you can't get control of the weepies, say you're not well (plenty of pg excuses to not be well... and technically it's true, your feelings aren't well...) and give it a miss. Plenty of time later when you're more emotionally robust to make a lovely announcement.

Unicorns all readers (and singers!) sorted already - bf is a proper bridezilla about planning ahead. I'll ask to be the understudy lol.

I've just sent this text - 'Preamble, blahblahblah... Obviously I want to be there for you but today's not about me - it should be all about you and your bridesmaids, so if you'd rather I don't come just say the word and let me know - I'll completely understand.' Hopefully she can say one way or the other without feeling bad about it.

I had the same thing but due 2 wks before wedding & I said I couldn't be bridesmaid. I didn't tell my friend I was pregnant until the 'meet up to try brides dress on' day as she lives abroad and wanted to tell her in person.
She was obviously really happy for me, lots of congrats etc from other bridesmaids. But then it was on with the dress fitting, didn't steal any thunder, just another happy thing.
I know its difficult and hard as it is I think your BF is right not to have you as bridesmaid.
Don't back out of today, it'll make her sad, of course she'll want you to be there. Does sound a bit like 13wk hormones making it all seem worse than it is.

Aah, don't be silly. She's not said that she doesn't want you to be bridesmaid because she doesn't like you or has fallen out with you. It's just logistics. Why wouldn't she want you to go?

Incidentally you have been so kind, considerate and understanding about this even though you are finding it tough. You are being a lovely friend, stop beating yourself up.

It's all hormones sweetheart. for you and for your bf, lots and lots of lovely things for you both to look forward to in six months time!

'(maybe you're disappointed about that on the quiet??)' No maybe about it springy. I've never been a bridesmaid before and would have been so proud to stand up with amazing bf. with gorgeous dress and princess hair But it's more the being out of place/would she really want me there thing that brought on the tears I think.

And thanks for the congratulations and Have hardly told any rl people yet.

Am on my way to the dress shop now. I may need more tissues and concealer. I've not brought my shoes that would go with the dress so the others might have an inking...

Will update later. Thanks for pulling me together you bloody vipers.

Bf just texted back 'Don't be daft we'll see you there.'

What she wants is to have you there now, give her that. If you cry because you love her, she'll understand!