To not spend much on a wedding

[PosyNarker]

even though I have the money?

DP and I are relatively high earners, if by no means rich. We're getting married after a long time cohabiting, but are struggling to plan it! I was keen to run away, he wanted the big party...

Anyway we had a good chat today and found a bit of common ground, which is that actually, we don't want to spend much on a wedding. So we're thinking, very small registry office wedding and then a barn party / hog roast type thing the next day. He was shocked because I do like the odd designer item, that I didn't want a 3k wedding dress...

Thing is, we absolutely could afford the wedding everyone expects us to, but after 11 years together, I'd rather pay towards my mortgage/ drive a newer car / upgrade my motorbike / buy a nice watch / go on a fantastic honeymoon than spend 20k on a day.

You can see of course that the above is much more than 20k so already a priority call (mortgage will get most & posh watch unlikely to happen, as I was born sensible ). So yeah, am I unreasonable?

My family will expect me to invite everyone even the arseholes and lay on a gourmet dinner and drinks. It's not that I'm mean, but tbh I reckon most people would be happy to have a hog roast, few kegs / bottles of wine and some decent music. I wouldn't, of course, expect gifts.

I reckon people would enjoy it as much / more and we would also get to spend the money elsewhere on something important to us, so everybody wins? My DM thinks 'people will talk'.

Its your wedding, do what you like!

Bugger everyone else, do what you want. We had a very low-key wedding and it was lovely. It's YOUR wedding.....you're doing to get married to each other, not throw a massive party for your family (although obviously I understand you want them there and you want it to be special)

You could just elope

DP and I are getting married next year, I've done fuck all in prep and really want to spend very little. It's one day, fuck spending shed loads, and fuck everyone who would comment!

Enjoy the day YOU BOTH want!

Yanbu. We went away, just the 2 of us. Best decision we could have made.

have the wedding you want not what people expect we had a registry office wedding about 20 people there and a party in the evening we were skint though but tbh I probably would have done the same if we could afford it, was a great wedding, I am always awkward going to huge weddings i never feel comfy

You sound very sensible, most weddings now either seem to be one huge party or show offy rather than about the vows. Much more sensible to spend the money on property etc.

Mind you, given the amount that ask for cash, lots now may as well just charge an entry fee.

IMO, the best route is to decide what you and DP want, book it, and then tell everyone what you are doing. Much less aggro then telling them before its sorted.

Hog roast, polypins of beer and a good party sounds ace

You are SO not BU
DH and I went to the Registry Office at 9am on a Tuesday, with the children (we had 3 at the time), our parents, and a couple of friends, and got married, then took the children and wen to Blackpool for 2 nights in a B&B. That was what we wanted, what we decided, and what we did.
Do what you and your fiance want to do, and if anyone doesn't like it, bollocks to them! Those who truly love you will just be happy for you, and if they aren't, invite DH and I - we love a good hog roast and a knees up with a gallon or two of scrumpy

I think your being very very wise. I think that money could be spent on lots of better things, however I think by limiting yourself you will come up with a really special day, that wont be like all the over conveyor belt, chuck em out, style weddings...yours will be special and different.

If much rather go to a wedding with a hog roast and dance in a barn or whatever. Makes a lovely fun change to the usual stuff. Kids will love any animals

Sit down dinners next to random second cousins are a bit shit tbh.

Plan the wedding your way and invite everyone the week before. Too late to change plans and moan about it

this is going to sound whiney and ungrateful but the last wedding i was at 2 years ago was very big and show offy they took hours and HOURS to take arty pictures there were too many people in huge hats and flouncy dresses and it was all too formal for me I like going to smaller weddings

Being a bit of a casual person I much prefer your idea to the posh do. Also this way you can invite everyone and not be leaving anyone out. If you have elderly relatives can you make a slightly more formal bit at the beginning/lunch followed by more partyish bit after they go home. No need to spend loads, just make sure they have comfortable seats, not too loud music etc

Sit down dinners next to random second cousins are a bit shit tbh.

the so are especially if it is the brides sides second cousin and hispissed tipsy girlfriend

can I have your life and 'problem' please.

I agree with you though x

YANBU. It's your wedding and it sounds fun! Sadly I haven't got anyone to marry, but if I was getting married I think that's what I'd do.

I'd much rather go to a big party than a wedding.
The people who will talk are your dm's friends, not yours and she's bloody lucky if you're being polite enough to invite them to your party.

You could have a lovely wedding. A small ceremony and a meal with nearest and dearest, a night just you and your new husband in a nice hotel, and then a big party with all of your friends and family the next day to celebrate. Sounds perfect to me.

Your idea of a wedding sounds perfect to me. We did the same sort of thing even though we could have easily afforded something fancy. I loved our wedding and didn't regret the low key feel it had.

I agree with the idea about just booking it and not discussing with anyone.

YANBU in any way, shape or form, especially given that you and DH are in agreement about your eminently sensible priorities. Hog roast/kegs sounds lovely. Just because you don't have a boring formal, traditional wedding doesn't mean you have to sacrifice having a fantastic and memorable party. Let 'people' talk!

Thanks all - I think I know IANBU, but there's a certain 'expectation' which is bonkers frankly.

NotYoMamma I agree it's a nice problem to have, but tbh that's part of it. I'm in a good place, but I'd absolutely hate if things changed and I'd spent a huge amount on one day. We've gone through redundancy / unexpected costs before and came out okay because we are both so bloody sensible I do feel that plonking down some cash against out mortgage protects us (and in doing so our relationship) against unpleasant surprises to some degree. A 3 grand dress, not so much...