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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go away when my baby is so young

100 replies

SoggyBottoms · 25/10/2013 20:52

Am on mat leave with DD1, who is now 15 weeks old. I'm not planning on going back to work for a while yet, but I've been asked to take part in a special, one-off project in about six weeks time. It's very high profile and would be really good for my career. But I'd have to spend a week abroad and away from my baby girl - it wouldn't be an option to take her as it's in a developing country. She would be about five months by then, I'm no longer Breastfeeding, and she'd be at home with my husband and a nanny who is a family friend who I'd hire to look after her when necessary (DH is freelance and can be around a lot). My DH is happy for me to go.

I can't decide what to do. Would I be unreasonable to go? Obviously I'd really miss her and that would be tough, but would it be unfair on her or damage her in any way?

OP posts:

24again · 26/10/2013 08:50

God, I would jump at it! A whole week away with decent sleep, career progression thrown in and someone I trusted looking after my child. I'm surprised that you even need to think about it! Just go! Don't be a martyr.

my2centsis · 26/10/2013 08:53

I wouldn't. And would think a 5month old would be unsettled if she was used to you her whole life and then her mummy disappears for a whole week.

But in the long run she won't remember at all.

So up to you really! Your choice either way :) good luck

MrsAMerrick · 26/10/2013 08:55

When my DS was 3 months old my DH had to go away on a work trip for one week. Can't say that DS noticed/was bothered. It is slightly different for you in that (I presume) you are the primary carer, but I really don't think it's a biggie. You'll miss her but it is only for a week. My DH missed us when he was away but also loved the fact that he got 5 unbroken nights of sleep!

lemonforyourlime · 26/10/2013 09:01

If you are confident in your DH ( and why on earth wouldnt you be !) and your nanny do it !

I travel for my work and have done since my DD was about 6 months.

As someone further up thread says it actually gets tougher when they get older.

It has had no effect on her that I can see - she is happy, loving and embraces new scenarios and situations with confidence.

You have to be comfortable in your decision though -there will always be those who say they couldnt/ wouldnt, - there are some people who will tell you its wrong to work at all. You have to be able to ignore them.

It sounds an amazing opportunity. Good luck.

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/10/2013 09:07

I did it when DD1 was 16 weeks old. It was fine. I got a decent night's sleep and uninterrupted baths and meals. It's a lot harder when they are older.

wishingchair · 26/10/2013 09:11

Lot easier when they're babies than when they're 11 and can lay on the guilt. I'd do it.

ajandjjmum · 26/10/2013 09:21

Go.

Howsuper · 26/10/2013 09:27

Course it will be fine!

Do it - bet you WILL love getting your teeth into an exciting project after being in lovely but relentless babyworld.

As for those who will say it will be awful for baby 'not being with mummy for a week' - when do you draw the line, when can you go back to work/go on holiday without some people laying on the guilt with trowels? Five months, 10 months, three years, 10 years - it's always a bit of a wrench on both sides but both survived perfectly unscathed!

Howsuper · 26/10/2013 09:27

LOVE not WILL - emphasis fail

hardboiledpossum · 26/10/2013 09:31

it might be easier on the parents to go away when your children are babies but I think it can be quite tough on the babies. I do not think it makes someone a martyr, if they feel that leaving a young baby would not be right for their family.

TSSDNCOP · 26/10/2013 09:42

I'd go in a heartbeat. Its a week, its for a bona fide reason, the baby has an equally competent loving parent in situ. All will be well plus you'll get loads of scrumptious sleep

My husband travelled for business when DS was tiny and continues to do so. How is it different? DS as a baby wasnt even aware he was gone. Now he is he knows its only a matter of time before Daddy and a present come home again. DH misses DS much more than DS misses him

ringaringarosy · 26/10/2013 09:50

I think you know you are going to g,you just want approval.

I wouldnt do it,but i am guessing my "style" of parenting is very different to yours and its not something i would be able to do even if i wanted to.

I think in your situation,where you want t go,your dh doesnt mind,and your baby is ff anyway,then i dont see why it would be awful of you to go.

ringaringarosy · 26/10/2013 09:53

I dont get the comparison with men,theres two ways to look at it,the first sint very popular on here,that mothers are more "connected" to their babies as they grew them,gave birth to them,breastfed them etc,so a baby would "miss" a mothe rmore than a father,depending on the circumstances,and the second,that actually its not any different and the dad shouldnt be going anywhere for long periods of time either,if they can help it.

LydiaLunches · 26/10/2013 09:54

Absolutely you should go, assuming you are confident in Nanny and DH, and you should be. I wouldn't have gone myself until DD3 but with hindsight that was much more to do with me than DH's ability or DDs needs.

WingDefence · 26/10/2013 10:03

Oh I'd definitely go! Good luck :)

Original poster

SoggyBottoms · 26/10/2013 10:08

There are some really interesting and thought-provoking responses here, thank you. As for the person who commented on my "style" of parenting, I guess with my first baby being 15 weeks old, I'm still figuring out what that "style" is (do other people really have it all worked out at this stage?), and this is the first of what I'm sure will be many dilemmas that come to define it.

Although it does seem a little harsh to extrapolate on my parenting style based on the fact I still care about my career...

OP posts:

Dancergirl · 26/10/2013 10:12

I'm a bit confused about if you're breastfeeding or not? Are you now and planning to stop soon, or you're bottle feeding now?

If the former I would think carefully about accepting the job. You may find you're not ready to stop, or your baby may struggle to take a bottle. You don't want to be in a situation where weaning your baby off the breast is stressful because you've got a time deadline. Just something to think about.

NotYoMomma · 26/10/2013 10:12

OP I wouldnt worry too much. obviously some peoples 'style' is alpha parent or martyr.

fact is, your baby will be surrounded by love and will be delighted at your return and lots of love and cuddles :)

this whole 'baby will be damaged and confused' - what about adopted babies, I was in care for 4 months and adopted at 6 months. no harm done and I am crazy close to my mum

MagratGarlik · 26/10/2013 10:21

I went to the States for a week for work when ds1 was 5 months. It was hard and I spent the whole journey there in tears, but he was with dp and the two of them were fine.

You will miss her, but you will also miss her when you go away and she is older too. Just because you still care about your career does not make you any less of a mother.

plantsitter · 26/10/2013 10:25

I'm surprised this thread is not more unanimous. If the idea of going makes you excited for your career and just as an experience, you should GO. No question. The baby will be fine.

I say this as a SAHM. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to further your career. You may find it tricky because you'll miss DD, but don't let guilt compound it. Useless emotion.

ringaringarosy · 26/10/2013 11:17

no no no!i didnt mean it like that,im not saying one way is better than another!

everyone does things differently,what im saying,is that the fact you are even considering it,shows that the way you do things means you are physically able to go!

I have 4 under 6 and another on the way,i have always co slept and breastfed,at 5 months i couldn't of left mine for longer than a few hours without them being affected in some way,if you are doing things the more "normal" way,like using cots and shes having bottles anyway,then its not going to affect her as much,there wont be any major changes,like changing her onto a bottle or not having you there to snuggle into at night,thats all i meant!

ringaringarosy · 26/10/2013 11:19

and no i didnt have it worked out by 15 weeks either!it wasnt until my third i just decided to ignore everyone elses opinions/the books and just do what felt right!

JenaiMorris · 26/10/2013 11:20

Nah, NotYo some women just love their babies more. At least that's what they insinuate - which is pretty nasty and also complete bollocks.

Sunny is absolutely right about work brownie points. As children get older there are often times when you need to call in favours at very short notice.

JenaiMorris · 26/10/2013 11:22

Oh lord, x-post Rosy. Sorry - I think I got you wrong there

Original poster

SoggyBottoms · 26/10/2013 11:24

Ah thanks ringarosy I did misunderstand :). I was unable to carry on Breastfeeding very long for physical reasons beyond my control and I think I'm still a bit touchy/gutted about it. And now this has come along and I feel all torn in two again... Welcome to parenthood I guess!

OP posts:

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