Re. In Laws (yes, another one)

[SomeWhingTitty]

I am.

It might do me some good to hear it from others, hence the self obsessed post

I am so quick to take offence to things “in laws” say and/or do. I am losing ability to separate if it is them or me. The common denominator is me…

Sometimes I am in the right and they are just selfish, other times not so much. Couple of examples:

“MIL” is selfish. Expects DP to do so much. Unfortunately I am just as selfish eg. expect him to do his “share” around the home. Since he has started a new job, he is home less than before, yet I still expect him to do stuff. She makes him feel guilty if he can’t drop everything to do something for her. I don’t support him , despite knowing how difficult it is for him.

MIL thinks I should make more effort with seeing her. I think after the treatment I received previously, she is lucky I still want my child to have the opportunity to have a relationship with her. I refuse to see her unless I have to (family events and such). This places a strain on my relationship with DP.

My DB’s partner. I think I actually hate her. I can be in a room, she enters and just hearing her voice, I can feel a rage building. I can’t get over remarks she has made relating to c-sections (eg virginal birth is doing it properly - a very sensitive subject for anyone who has had an emergency crash c-section) and insensitive tripe relating to miscarriage (within weeks of mine, which she knew about).

Other gems include “I am naturally competitive” when listing things her child managed before mine – umm no, its only a competition when people are competing. I am just glad my child is alive. The issues are my own which stem from feeling a bit of a failure, but I know from the way she says things she is certainly doing it on purpose.

Why do I let people bother me so much, and why can I not just focus on my own little world, and hide there?!?

You realize that you are obsessing over all of this. They occupy too much of your mind and probably filters through other parts of your life.

Your mil, do you realize you sound very alike. Both of you seem to be pulling your DH in different directions. Do you have similar personalities? She wants to make more of an effort, it's difficult but can you try a new start with her.

With your SIL you don't have to be best friends with her, you just need to be civil with her. If her personality is to be competitive then you don't have to engage her, but don't let it get to you and stew in your mind.
Your dc probably pick up on all of this.

I think it is nice if a man still wants to do things to help his parents and be a part of their lives. You will want this from your own dc when they grow up, so it is U to resent it from your mil, if what she is asking for is not excessive.

While I believe his primary loyalty is to you, that should only need yo kick in if his family were nasty/abusive towards you - it shouldn't extend to him having to never do anything for them.

As for Sil ya prob nbu there - keep it civil and keep your distance. She csn only be competitive if you engage.

As above really, just consider your own situation in 25 years & think it would be nice for your dc to do things for you without dil/sil resentment. You sound controlling and its nothing a bit of counselling wont help with. Dont deny your dp a chance to have a relationship with his family, that is his right & its not for you to interfere with. How would you like it if he behaved the same way towards you doing stuff for your mum?

All this negative feeling that you have is not healthy and not positive behaviour that you are teaching your kids. Granted your mil & sil have been out of line in the past but you need to put up a buffer zone to create space & to absorb their nasty behaviour.

I'm the same with my inlaws, I'm doing my best to start again and treat them well. They are lovely, and they don't mean to irritate me, but grrrr they really get my back up! When my MIL says something which I take as criticism, I think about whether I'd have been offended if my DM had been the one to say it. Often I realise it's just me being hyper-sensitive.

Virginal birth is a fab typo

?? Didn't even notice the typo! Sorry

I just can't see past things when they are brushed under the carpet, I think this says more about me than anyone else.

MIL loves DP. She has always made a show of trying to include me and I did also make the effort for years but this year has been the turning point.

She is mean. I don't have the want to try to do anything with her anymore as she always makes sly digs. It's just better to avoid - it is great DP wants to do stuff for his family but I feel it always comes with it being at our own expense. it just feels like it is almost always on purpose (giving him situations where he is needing to chose between us and her) I am just done.

I tired to talk to DB re SIL but it he puts it down to her being naive, but how many times is that an excuse. I don't know what has made me feel like I can't be bothered with it all anymore - but I don't want to feel like this. However every time I try to move past things its like I am almost waiting for the next "thing" that will leave me feeling worthless

I do see what you are getting at wrt mil. Sometimes people do things that on the face of it seem innocuous, but they have a subtle undertone.

You could put it to dp that as a unit, you don't have much time together and you would like him not to commit to plans without running them by you first, incase you had other activities in mind. Put it that you will do likewise. It's about nudging him in the direction of recognising that he has to consider you and not behave as if his time is entirely his own and free to be commandeered by his mum! At the same time, be mindful that she is his mum and does have a right to ask him for help sometimes.

Wrt sil stick with polite but distant.

I think the good old "did you mean to be so rude?" will serve you well here. My sympathies; they sound delightful