Difficult DM, DSIS, I'm pg, emotional, AIBU? Sorry long so as not to d/feed

[Ruralninja]

Thanks in advance if you read this. I'm 36 weeks pg, hard-won first baby. My DM splits her time between the UK and abroad and decided (just fancied it, no particular reason) to spend most of my pg abroad.

Came back about 4 weeks ago. Whilst away, she refused to discuss my pg as she said she had to 'emotionally protect herself' in case it all went wrong (I have had previous miscarriages). Dsis is her spokeswoman and I can do no right. The other day, went for lunch at DMs and she gave me food that I had asked her not to - foraged wild mushrooms - as I am worried about her ability to identify them and doesn't seem worth the risk. She had agreed not to, then put them in dinner but removed the actual pieces, so they were in a sauce but invisible, IYSWIM! I sussed it, but said nothing, although felt quite upset. I rang her later and asked her if she had forgotten our convo - there were at least 5 different explanations, but the main one was she was busy! But, she sort of apologised and we left it at that. Cue email from my Dsis, asking why I was being 'off' at lunch. I wrote back, explaining how I felt, and that DM and I had sorted it out.

Next thing, Dsis did not read my email for 4 days - she knew it was there but chose not to read it - so wanted an 'explanation' but not the answer. Eventually she read it and then rang me to demand more explanations, saying that my 'attitude' was terrible after all mum has done to support me - not sure what that consists of, by the way. She shouted at me down the phone for some minutes. I said I was happy to have a conversation about it, but not to be shouted at. She hung up. Now neither of them is talking to me. Baby is due any time from next week, and I feel very sad and upset, but unwilling to pander to the utter self-absorbed nonsense.

Sorry, this is a rant as much as an AIBU. I find it so baffling that this is their priority, not just getting on. WTAF should I do? It's making me feel ill, but I do have some pride - but who knows, perhaps that's the problem.

Sorry for the petty detail, but couldn't think how else to say that I wouldn't eat something without sounding precious - I've been on the rare steak and even blue cheese, so it isn't that.

Thank you!

YWNBU about the mushrooms.

Otherwise, what stands out for me is the 'triangulation': your DSis inserting herself unnecessarily into something that is between you and your mother. It seems to be part bullying and part seeking to control your relationship with your mother.

I think you have to leave them to stew for now. Sadly, that might mean they are both still being horrible when your child is born (congratulations, by the way).

In future, maybe consider a rule that you never talk to one about the other but sort things out directly?

Hey Ruralninja, I don't have much advice, but wanted to say well done for standing up for yourself.

I had zero confidence at 36 weeks pregnant and was an emotional wreck! They have been very rude to you and I'm so sorry for you.

Are they always like this? Do you actually get anything positive from your relationships with them?

thank you for the replies! I get a very conditional positive response from my Dsis when my DM is away....I feel on the whole I provide a function for them both, a channel for negative feelings. It's hard to explain, but my mum in particular is uniquely difficult and self-centred, so when bad/difficult things happen, they happen to her and someone has to be blamed. E.g she came over here to my new house, I spent 20 minutes giving her directions but she got lost - I was 'unkind' as I had not given her good enough directions. Sensing a pattern?!

Good point about 'triangulation' cleavage... it didn't add anything did it, just stirred up a hornet's nest.

And I am an emotional wreck, that's the problem!

I can recommend <a class="break-all" href="//e<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dance-Anger-Changing-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0722536232"?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-1892117-Difficult-DM-DSIS-Im-pg-emotional-AIBU-Sorry-long-so-as-not-to-d-feed" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.amazon.co.uk/Dance-Anger-Changing-Intimate-Relationships/dp/0722536232" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this book. It was enormously helpful for me.

My horrible sister tries the same shit. My answer is always "mum is a grown wiman and can talk to me herself if she has a problem." She just uses it as a way to bully me. I hardly talk to her anymore.

I ignore my mum's sulking and she just doesn't bother with it anymore. Once I had children she suddenly became much more respectful and easy to get along with. That's because she knows that if she starts with her childish mind games I'll cut her off like I've cut off my sister. I don't kid myself that she's actually matured - she still manipulates my other (lovely) sister - she's just keeping me sweet so she can see her gcs. Fine by me. If you stand up to them you might find the same thing happens.

Unkind my arse!

Next time just laugh it off and say something like "Oh, I forgot what a baby you are..."

Don't let her get to you (easier said than done I know). Be firm, and say what CailinDana says to her sister.

This is totally my mum and sister. They were the worst when I was pg.

That line about emotionally protecting herself from your pregnancy is bullshit. My mum said almost the same thing to me...never mins being supportive of the one who's having the baby!

Yanbu. I'd ignore them. It's not something you want/need in your/your baby's life.

you've all made me feel less mental (marginally!).... I wish I knew what they got out of it - how does it 'help'? The fact that nobody else ever has a problem with me (the opposite really, I get lots of lovely feedback) they say is me putting on an act, and then then real, horrible me is the one they see. It sounds bad written down, doesn't it? I am struggling not to feel a bit poor-me today... wobbly after a midwife appointment which I would have liked to share with family - baby's head is engaged, in a lovely position, etc etc.... as Basil Fawltey said 'do I detect the smell of burning martyr'?

you should ask sis "what the fuck does it have to do with you"

tbh though, I think you should keep your distance

Interesting Tomb that there's a pattern - who knew. I thought the 'protecting herself' thing was the biggest pile of horseshit I ever heard tbh... I got a long letter after that phone call that looked like a ransom note, all random capitals and underlining! It would be funny if it wasn't so awful!

This is balm to my soul indeed - it's v hard work being in the wrong ALL the time - I should have started this thread months ago! Thank you lovely people.... my DH has a mental health professional background and he always has reckoned I'm in the scapegoat role - but he always favours getting on (which is a good thing) and wouldn't be impressed if I told them to fuck of, much as I would love to. I did once call my DM a bitch, it was wildly liberating! Never to be repeated, but somehow it was rather therapeutic!

You poor thing. They sound utterly vile tbh. The fact that no one else has a problem with you is because you are a nice person.

You are allowed to feel sad that your mother and sister are so horrible to you. You are allowed to feel that you deserve better.

Emotionally protect herself? I am lost for words.

I'd love to say I was making that up.... or be able add a bit of balance into the story with the awful things I've done. My DF died over a decade ago and he was kinda my champion - we 'got' each other and I really really miss that! Trying to be fair, both DM and Dsis are committed to trying to be close as a family - a lot of the tension comes if I am not available enough. This hasn't been easy with full time work etc (they neither do or ever have) and I believe my Dsis feels she shoulders more family burden (i.e. keeping DM entertained) than I do. In the interests of fairness and all that!

a lot of the tension comes if I am not available enough - so they blame you for that too then? Why do they get to decide what is 'enough' when you work full time?

Reasonable people do not act like your mother and sister. Normal families do not have to entertain their DMs. Most mothers tend to entertain themselves and enjoy the adult relationship they have with their children. Really. I think you should start protecting yourself in your thoughts a little more. You deserve better than this.

sorry Ruralninja - I am sounding rather bossy. It is just that I feel v indignant on your behalf.

This is a lovely and exciting time for you and your family ought to be sharing in that rather than making you feel bad.

Oh Rural, I wish I had some good advice. You might want to start thinking about cutting one or both out of you life at some point. They sound horrible and you really don't need that.

Good luck.

Does your Sis have children herself? My DM has never been the all about me type but my Sis was very like yours with the bullying and getting involved so she looked like the wonderful child and I would be the wrong one. Tbf my parents don't tend to fall for it other than always forcing me to apologise to her. Then I got pregnant and the lid came off the saucepan. Sis knew she wouldn't be the centre of attention anymore and has done some horrifically vile things to try and get me to walk or to get my parents to cut me out of their lives. There was a very upsetting stint where my DM wouldn't talk to me at all about DC1 whilst I was pregnant. It turned out Sis had turned on her she no longer felt she was able to be pleased she was about to be a GM. Thankfully one of her friends also noticed this and told her to snap out of it, that Sis' feelings were not reasonable towards this and all DM had to do was not talk about it around Sis.

Bossy is good! It's good to hear another perspective it really is. DM is in the rudest of health, so we not quite into that area of things yet. And I don't think they take much pleasure in me, to be honest. I know how I would like things to be, I'm prepared for a compromise on how I would like to be, what I can't fathom, is how to care a bit less about how this silent treatment is making me feel, which is sad. I am so supremely grateful to be having a baby and I honestly thought it would act as a magic wand, even briefly, which would make all this type of drama so completely unlikely. The opposite appears to be the case. As I say, baffled and sad.

I think you've absorbed far too mych of their codswallop. You say "DM and DSis are committed to trying to be close as a family" - really?? Have a think about whether that's actually true or whether they use "closeness" as another way toake you feel inadequate.

What was written in the letter?

Ha ha! The letter! Well, there was a whole bit about her children being the most important thing in the world to her. There was a bit about not realising that I would want to talk about the pg, as she had never felt the need to when she was.... a bit about how it was my fault that she'd hung up as I had made her angry..... not a lot of what you would call content - a plea for me to listen to what she was ACTUALLY saying....

I feel quite sorry for her really - I sometimes wonder if talk of bodies and babies makes her feel terribly uncomfortable - I think shame is a feature of her psychology which comes out in quite dark ways.

My mother definitely carries a lot of shame. She is immensely insecure and immature. I also feel sorry for my mother as her life has been so petty and bitter.