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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lonely elderly relative dilemma

17 replies

halfwayupthehill · 25/10/2013 03:59

I have an aunt who took offence last year because i didn't ask her to stay over when she was invited to dc1's party. She lives 1.5 hrs aways so it can be done in a day trip. She is a v critical, killjoy woman and i found just organising a whole class party enough without a house guest. We usually spend christmas together because the rest of the family run for the hills. Last year she was so overbearing, i felt she ruined it. This year i would like to at least have xmas morning alone with the kids. I wd be happy for her to come for xmas lunch and stay over, or come for boxin day lunch. Lacks of taxis or public transport wd be issue on xmas day though she may be able to stay at a friend's house nearby. Trouble is that she will take offence at a limited invite as much as no invite...as what i am saying is, we would love to see you but not to stay over. Wwyd?

OP posts:

Mouthfulofquiz · 25/10/2013 05:46

I do believe that 'difficult' family members should be shared out a bit! Time for someone else in your family to step up I think.

friday16 · 25/10/2013 06:18

You're under no obligation to spend time with people you don't like. No obligation at all. You own immediate family time comes ahead of your wider family, always. If she isn't a good guest, don't invite her. Let her be obnoxious somewhere else. Who needs a critical killjoy in the house for Christmas?

SatinSandals · 25/10/2013 07:32

Can't you collar someone else in the family and tell them it is their turn?
Failing that find a reason for not doing the staying over, no room, out all day etc

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 25/10/2013 11:14

You don't need to invite her. Guests have to sing for their supper as it were, and she isn't. Just tell her now that you are having a different Christmas this year and you are giving her early warning so she has time to make other plans.

Adults have to take responsibility for their own lives and if she lets herself become an unwelcome guest she has only herself to blame. Don't fret about it.

IHaveA · 25/10/2013 11:18

Whatever you do you should let her know as quickly as possible. She sounds like hard work. Is there a read on there is nowhere else for her to go.

IHaveA · 25/10/2013 11:19

Typo..
Reason not read on

riskit4abiskit · 25/10/2013 11:20

You sound lovely and she sounds very ungrateful!

Why not invite her just for boxing day and if she takes offence them that's her problem not yours. Also perhaps you could dilute her presence by a short walk out if she is able or a drive out? If you wear her out with an activity she might be hsopy to go home for some peace and quiet!

Beccagain · 25/10/2013 11:37

Doesn't seem fair that it should always fall to you if there are other family members. It may be a bit late for this year (Jayzis, it's only October!) but maybe you should set down a marker earlier for next year.

As far as this year goes, yes public transport suspension will mean that she can't travel anywhere on Christmas Day (afaik this doesn't happen ANYWHERE else, but there you go), so could you perhaps 'treat' her to an overnight stay in an hotel on Christmas Eve and dress it up as you would hate for her to be disturbed by screaming kids long before sparrow's fart on Christmas Day?

poopadoop · 25/10/2013 11:39

good on you for including your aunt in your christmas celebrations. Those posters advising to not invite her at all sound pretty harsh. Any chance someone else in the family could have her to stay on Christmas Eve, and drop her over to you for the rest of the day?

You own immediate family time comes ahead of your wider family, >always
unbelievable attitude! Or sadly too believable, it is good for children to have even difficult relatives in their lives, and it is just so selfish to think the nuclear family trumps all. No wonder there are so many lonely elderly people

SaucyJack · 25/10/2013 11:42

Just don't invite her, and don't feel guilty about it either.

It's your Christmas too. She has no right to spoil the day for you and your family, and you have no duty to let her.

friday16 · 25/10/2013 11:44

it is good for children to have even difficult relatives in their lives

No, it really isn't. Why should children have to tolerate people who choose to be obnoxious, any more than adults should have to?

No wonder there are so many lonely elderly people

If they're lonely because they've managed to piss off all their family so no-one wants to have much to do with them, that's entirely their problem. And it's easy to fix, too: they just need to stop being obnoxious.

The OP says "She is a v critical, killjoy woman...Last year she was so overbearing, i felt she ruined it". Why should the OP's christmas be ruined because her aunt chooses to be unpleasant?

fluffyraggies · 25/10/2013 11:53

I don't know why horrible people suddenly deserve to be tolerated just because they have become old. When a cow of a woman of a bastard of a man who are in their 50s no one expects a family member to have them in their house all day.

But ten years on suddenly they are 'harmless elderly people' who must be included in everything even though they are still emotional vampires

You reap what you sow.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/10/2013 12:01

Why you would invite her to any of your day if he is just going to ruin it?

Her situation sounds of her own making - sod pandering to that!

fluffyraggies · 25/10/2013 12:07

OP she's your Aunt. Who and where are the rest of the family and where do they run to?

My family is very small. I only have one elderly relative (slightly difficult to deal with, not as bad as yours sounds) and NO family to share them with at times like xmas.

I think you have to negotiate something with them. Be blunt. ''We've done the last X no. of xmas's with Aunt Difficult. I think it's your turn this year, don't you? She may have to end up on her own for allot of it otherwise'' kind of thing.

ImperialFucker · 25/10/2013 12:13

I would have at least one year off and tell her that you're going to a friend's house for Christmas. How would she know any differently if she's not in your neighbourhood?

Pick a friend from work whom she doesn't know and will never meet and say they're renting a house in the Lakes or somewhere for Christmas and have invited you and the kids.

Really, though, if she ruined it last year, she shouldn't be invited again.

How old is she? Is this the point where I find out she's younger than I am?

friday16 · 25/10/2013 12:15

I think you have to negotiate something with them.

Why is it the OP's problem?

Jan49 · 25/10/2013 12:33

I don't see why you should have to have every Christmas spoilt by someone who is very critical and a killjoy. Can you talk to other family members about having her this year? Otherwise she'll just have to stay home alone.

I have a distant elderly cousin who spends Christmas alone and doesn't like it. I ring her twice on the day for a long time.

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