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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for dinner

13 replies

mumaa · 24/10/2013 14:46

AIBU to think that if you go out for dinner in a group you would at least offer to pay for your share or would you expect the person who invited you to pay?

Our family live in different towns and it was my sisters bday so i arranged to meet in a pub which has a family room for drinks. We all ended up being hungry and having food. My DF told me on the quiet that he was sneaking off to pay, i offered money but he wouldn't have it. My DH came to pick me up (had been working) and we shot off quickly as there were no parking spaced. SIL then texts me later to ask who paid for dinner? Er, were you not there? did you not ask where the bill was? I asked my DSis what happened when i left and she told me they all decided to start heading off and got coats, others asked about bill and thanked my DF but SIL just got coat, her DS and left.

Does this seem weird? She also text to say she forgot to give me her share for DSis present, which obviously am aware of but given DSis opened present at dinner which would remind her, how could she 'forget'?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 24/10/2013 14:56

Did your SIL husband not know? If I'm out with DH family he sorts out the bill. She might not have given you the share of your dsis gift as she probably didn't get a chance. I would think it's rude to do all these money discussions in front the person receiving the gift. She texted you to say she will give it to you, so what's the problem ? No need to make a big issue or overthink it.

Original poster
mumaa · 24/10/2013 15:07

My DB (her husband) wasn't there, was working.

She was first to the pub and i came second with gift - no one else was there at this point. I told her which item i went for as we had been discussing 2 choices, the one she liked best looked better 'in person' so got that, she didn't offer then, there was no one around. Then everyone arrived, DSis opened and there were umpteen opportunities when DSis was off talking to others, at toilet, etc. The money for the gift is a side issue as I have said she can give it to me tomorrow as we are at something together then. But i find it strange she attended a meal, ate, drank, got her coat on and left and then ask me (who was the first to leave) who paid for it?

Maybe am overthinking, i just wouldn't leave a venue without trying to pay for what i had consumed, or asking what was happening with the bill

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 24/10/2013 15:10

my Mum does this as does his whole family and if we ask about the bill she will put his voice very low and just say 'its sorted' as if it is very rude to ask

even if he hasnt paid and an uncle had etc - he will tell you later but they never discuss the bill in the restaurant

ive taking to making arrangements befire going outas itis usually an embarrassing tussle for the bill if they bring it out and I cringe.

I do laugh at granny who says 'i will get it' and then never gets it Grin

personally, i always offer anyway and make sure to find out and thank, I think they are all weird haha

NotYoMomma · 24/10/2013 15:14

I could still easily forget about the money re dsis present. I mightthink of it mid lunch and think 'ill sort that at the end away from dsis' and then totally forget, or just get carried away chatting etc

out of interest OP - do you like your sister in law?

she isnt a dsis and her dh wasnt thereshe might have felt a bit out of place and uncomfortable asking if everyone was just getting uo to leave and it was sorted iyswim? so shetext to find out so shecan thank them properly?

CoffeeTea103 · 24/10/2013 15:25

I agree with poster who said she might have remembered mid meal and then thought it's not the right time and speak to you at the end. I would also hate to discuss money issues at the table. Tbh if I'm out with my il, fiL will never take money off me and i don't offer anymore even if DH isn't there. Maybe your dad is also this way. As he told you quietly he is off to sort the bill and won't take money off you maybe he does this with SIL as well.
Anyway she's offered to give you the money so no big issue there. It shows that she was uncomfortable discussing at the time. Sounds like me.

Original poster
mumaa · 24/10/2013 15:33

notyomomma i do like her, we get on quite well, which is probably why it was me she checked with i suppose... perhaps you are right, maybe she did feel a bit out of place but she didn't have any problem asking my DF is she could get a cigarette from him throughout the afternoon and she spends a lot of time with my side of the family as they often take care of my nephew while she and my DB work. I only mention cigarette as think it would be strange to be comfortable to ask someone for something in front of people but then to be uncomfortable to offer to pay.

i find paying for things/money issues quite uncomfortable so when we go out together i often pay for things and just say 'oh you get the next one' as i feel uncomfortable when the bill is put down and no one picks it up - this is what usually happens, but as its generally us 2 and the DC i haven't really noticed it, or it hasn't been a big amount of money, just a couple of coffees or something so its never been an issue or ive never noticed before.

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 24/10/2013 15:54

Honestly OP? Sounds like you are nit picking in the extreme. You weren't there...your SIL was probably told "It's sorted" by someone and then left...she was checking with you who actually sorted it.

ICameOnTheJitney · 24/10/2013 15:57

Asking for a cigarette is no big deal. It sounds like she's short of money....why don't you show some concern if you like her?

Original poster
mumaa · 24/10/2013 16:05

icame that is a good point, never thought of that, perhaps someone said this and then she asked me who it was. I'm not exactly rolling in myself but am clearly overthinkin it! Thanks for replies

OP posts:
NicknameIncomplete · 24/10/2013 17:34

ICameOnTheJitney could have a good point about someone saying that it was sorted and she was just checking who it was.

Whenever I am out with family or friends it is always assumed that we pay for our own. I find this much easier. It takes two mins for the bill to be sorted through.

ICameOnTheJitney · 24/10/2013 17:43

In some families there is often a tussle though...or it varies...in my family we pay for ourselves unless someone is feeling particularly flush and then they will pay.

Mim78 · 24/10/2013 18:19

I think she probably just forgot.

KCumberSandwich · 24/10/2013 18:37

Sounds to me like she might have been either skint (especially having no cigs) or done something scatty like forgot to lift cash or left her purse at home- knowing she couldn't pay at the time with no cash she was embarrassed, kept quiet instead of drawing attention to it and has asked you so she can thank bill payer/offer her share and also to let you know she does intend to pay you.

don't be too hard on her money isna delicate issue esp. in families and some people handle these things better than others.

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