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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To occasionally want some sympathy?

9 replies

PeabodyRocks · 22/10/2013 22:15

I know iabu really but hey ho...

I am in my 50's and all of my life I have suffered with a disease. It's clear for everyone to see although its sometimes more serious than others. It affects the whole of my body and the treatment ranges from manageable to revolting to painful depending on the cycle.

I have learned to live with it with varying degrees of success over the years.

Now one of my relatives has been diagnosed with the same condition (she is also in her 50's) having never had it before and everyone is falling over themselves to sympathise "oh poor J, how awful for her" etc.

No-one has ever said that about me :( I have always been expected to get on with it. People say they don't see it anymore but no-one appears to have given any thought to how hard my life has been over the years and how having it has affected me.

My family, friends, even my husband and children just see me, not my illness. I know that's a good thing, really I do. But AIBU to feel that it would be comforting for me if they were to actually acknowledge my illness and offer me some sympathy for how hard it has been?

Oh dear, how awful and moany that sounds, but I can't say it anywhere else and I do feel better for having written it down - sorry to have depressed you all lol - I am a happy person really!!

OP posts:

goodmum123 · 22/10/2013 22:19

I'm sorry you have a disease and I have sympathy for you (not meaning to sound patronising). My best friend has terrible illness and gets on with it but she needs a shoulder to cry on too. Yanbu xx

goodmum123 · 22/10/2013 22:20

somersethouse · 22/10/2013 22:22

YANBU

That is bloody irritating at best.
Often stronger copers are overlooked, I find.

BillyBanter · 22/10/2013 22:23

No it's not unreasonable to want some sympathy sometimes.

It's just down to it being a new thing for her and an ongoing thing with you. It becomes normalised.

you wouldn't really want everyone saying 'oh poor you and your awful disease' every day... If you know someone who has always been hard up you wouldn't say to them every time you saw them 'poor you, being so poor'. You'd save it for when they had a particular moan.

When you feel in need of a bit of sympathy I think you need to signal that clearly. Maybe you are so used to coping you don't do this.

nokidshere · 22/10/2013 22:23

I know how you feel - have some unmumsnetty hugs ((()))

I have Psoriasis - it stinks. I get on with my life and everyone expects me to, but sometimes life is very hard indeed.

SeaSickSal · 22/10/2013 22:31

My Dad suffers from MS and is quite similar to you.

I think the thing is that people who are strong about these things and cope quite well, you don't want to offer them unwanted coddling or to feel you are patronizing them, and sometimes it's difficult to offer sympathy without doing that.

I think perhaps you need to be open about the fact that you need a bit more in the way of sympathy. I doubt very much that they don't feel it. Just that they probably think you don't want it expressed so they don't say.

There's nothing wrong with telling them that you need a bit more of that type of support.

runningonwillpower · 22/10/2013 22:32

Sounds like you are amazing; people see the person not the illness. That is an enormous compliment.

Talk to your relative - she needs your help more than the empty talk from people who don't know.

Take care.

DoJo · 23/10/2013 01:03

I can understand how you feel, but it sounds like everyone admires you for getting on with life despite your illness, which is really a marvellous example to be setting for your kids and must be part of what makes you husband love you. I'm guessing that it's not a question of people ignoring you when you moan, so much as one of you never moaning, which is an impressive feat when you are going through so much on a daily basis. But I am hugely sympathetic if that helps - I have a couple of utterly piddling conditions which really get me down sometimes, so I can only imagine what you are feeling and I hope that you get some real life sympathy and support too...

keelo123 · 23/10/2013 04:40

I really do feel for you :( it's a shame that such things in a person can go unnoticed over time just because you have learnt to live with it in your own non-moaning way. My mum has a long list of health problems which are worsening over time, some of them which shorten her life span and put her at risk everyday but when I mention this to even the closest of people to me they still seem shocked by what I have told them :(. It must be hard for you to witness the sympathy they have for the newly diagnosed when you've suffered much longer. I bet you feel a bit let down but at the same time feel selfish for craving the attention that you most defiantly deserve. I hope life takes more positive turns for you but just be proud of yourself that your not a selfish being and that your still plodding along due to your own strengths and not beaten by your weaknesses. Chin up! Xx

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