To suggest ds being moved away from a certain child in class

[bubalou]

Advice needed from more experiences parents please

Ds is 5 and in year 1 of school. In reception we had no problems with any other children, we know there are some that misbehave more then others but that's children.

He has obviously moved teachers now and since being in year 1 they have 'assigned seating'. It seems like she changed the tables around a bit the first few weeks I'm guessing to establish which kids sit and work well together or to move friends so they don't mess around etc.

I don't overreact so when ds has come home and said that this particular child - lets called him 'Damien' () has pushed him over today - I cuddle him, talk about it and we let it go. The next week Damien hit him and told ds he hated him but ds also told me that Damien got sent to the office for this. Since then it has been 1-2 times a week of pushing, stabbing in the arm with a pencil!!! And yesterday ds had black felt tip all over the back of his sweater - Damien again! I found out that poor ds has had to sit next to Damien every day - probably why this is occurring so often.

It's parents evening tomorrow - Aibu to being this up with teacher?

Soup dragon, this boy's issues, whatever they are are for his parents and the school to sort out. The op is concerned with the safety and well being of her own child, as are most parents i know

Yanbu to speak to the teacher.
I did when one -little shit-- boy was being horrible every time he sat near my ds.
The kid got moved and ds was able to get on with his work and was so much happier.

Agree with whistleblower, violent children seem more common now, with little respect for boundaries and consequences. Some even show now fear or regard for the head teacher.

Sometimes though these children behave better seated next to particular children, eg one boy I knew who was violent with other boys was totally different when seated with girls, much calmer. He said his dad had told him 'real men don't hit girls' which kept the girls safe though he was horrid to all the boys.

I'd just speak to the teacher.

Dd's friend is on the "bottom table" (or hippos/red table/diamonds... whatever euphemism teacher uses) and was plagued by a couple of boys, to the point where she was refusing to go to school. Her mother went to see the teacher, who said she'd keep an eye on things. She then decided to come up with a new table system, much to dd's friend's relief.

My DD is the smallest child in the school and, having had her birthday in August, is also probably the youngest.

She has perfected a terrifying, Medusa-like glower, used with great effect on the boy who tried to push in front of her in the line this morning. It promises that all hell will be let loose if they do it again and her teacher says, so far, no-one has pushed their luck!

Good or our dd tanith. My dd was like this in primary. She is now a 13 year old and taller than me and nobody messes with her

Soupdragon that's why I said on my post in this case

' In the end my kids did karate and learnt to hit back against the bullies and this helped. Although that was with 11 year olds so not appropriate in your case.'

Soupdragon, if it is the only thing that works and everything else has been tried, how can it be a bad thing? Bullies are normally wimps deep down or on their own.

Op, did you manage to speak to the teacher at parents evening?

DT2 in reception he was attacked by xxx several times a day my ds is a quiet type he really wants to 'learn' and hangs on his teachers every word. he is a 'good' boys sits nicley pays attention so the 'naughty' kids are often sat next to him a carpet time so they dont misbehave.

DT1 ( his brother) isn't as shy, and isn't backwards about expressing himself...

He saw xxxx hitting DT2 at playtime and went over yelling don't hit my brother - before shoving xxx into the dirt (he had golden time taken away after refusing to say sorry to xxxx - xxxx received no punishment)

Its very confusing for them - the musical chairs for the less well behaved kids is common - I have had lots of chats with their teachers how the boys see it as a punishment to have to sit next to the naughty kids instead of there friends.

DT2 didn't want to go to school today as xxxx will be there and he knew he would have to sit next to him :(

Parents eve tonight for us...... I have a few things to say

My older DD had this problem in the last year of primary - boy would chase her try to kiss her etc... would always be placed with her as he would be less disruptive to the class (ie only by annoying her) she is bright and would do all her work so teacher thought there was no problem - I got dd to write a letter to her teacher after begging me to do something about it about how much she hates this boy how he makes her feel and how unfair it was she had him on her table all the time - he was moved , she says now each table gets him for a week... except hers :)

Hi all,

I spoke to the teacher.

One of my friends who's a mum to ds's best friend in the same class has had previous problems with this teacher being non very proactive so I was a little worried.

She was nice enough and as soon as I opened my mouth and said 'I'm a little worried about one particular child that ds is having problems with..' and she looked and said yes 'XX' childs name.

She said she is aware of the fact there has been some issues and that he won't be sat next to him forever as they get moved around - also that my ds often 'says things back' to this ds - haha, shock - if I was stabbed with a fucking pencil I would say something too.

I said that if she's keeping an eye on it then that's fine but if there are any more issues I am going to insist he is moved.

Huh, not very reassuring bubalou. But at least teacher now knows you will not stand idly by whilst the other child stabs yours, so hopefully she will keep them apart in the future. Fingers crossed.

Now you need to just keep on top of it. If anything happens, speak to the teacher. Every single time. Just say, ds told me that (x) happened, can you tell me about it.

Every time. Seriously. The teacher will either a) move your ds so that he is not next to this child or b) realise that the child has some very serious issues that need more strategies to deal with.

There was a poster upthread who said they'd prefer to be told that there was a problem and left to deal with it...

But surely a decent teacher should know there is a problem in the first place?

Op if teacher already knows there are issues and hasn't bothered to do anything I would go to the head next. This child clearly needs to sit alone. I realise that isn't nice for him but getting stabbed with pencils isn't nice either.

A teacher cannot see everything, some children can be very discreet about things and if the child it is done to does not tell the teacher.... Having said that most of the time I am aware of what is going on, however I choose to deal with it how I as a professional sees best not in whatever way a Parent comes to tell me to do it. For example I move my seating plans every half term, so if a parent came to demand a child be moved a week before half term I wouldn't move them before my scheduled move. I would however keep a special eye on what was going on an punish any bad behaviour (from either child).

Thanks all.

I agree with now mentioning to her every time something happens and will make sure I do this.

To be honest I think she might not want to look like she's not handling it so I suspect that she has left it but that now I have said it, it won't be long until he is moved.

Last day of school before half term today do we will see where he sits once they start back.

I am going to insist that he is moved

How does that work?

I just mean ask the teacher and say that I am not happy for ds to sit next to someone who repeatedly draws on, spits at, stabs with pencils.

That's fair isn't it? A 5 year old shouldn't have to put up with this at school, which he loves so much.

I think it's right to share your concerns. I thinks it's right that the teacher has the final say.

If the teacher is waiting until half term to move everyone around then I can see why she wouldn't do it a couple of days before half term - but I would have expected her to tell you that this is what is happening and reassure you that they will be on a very short leash in the mean time. But if it is just because she can't be bothered or thinks that she shouldn't have to do this at your request then that is very different and I wouldn't be happy.

I wouldn't be happy about her equating your ds saying things back to the bully as equivalent to the bullies actions. I would say that your ds knows not to hit back if somebody attacks him, even if he is hurt and/or his property damaged. Instead you have told him to talk loudly to the perpetrator to let them know that what they are doing is unacceptable. If this strategy is unacceptable to her then what does she want your ds to do when this bully strikes again (history suggests he will unfortunately) - as you would like to give your ds a strategy for dealing with the problem.

If she says that ds needs to come and tell her then you need to get it pinned down - what if it happens at a point when she is talking and has just said not to interrupt her for example? You don't want your ds getting hurt by the bully and then told off because he tried to tell the teacher!

I'd also ask to see the accident report / something official for when your ds was stabbed by a pencil by the bully and when the jumper was covered in pen. It's reasonable to ask for confirmation that the bully was dealt with, even if they can't tell you how, and that the bully knows that it was an unacceptable thing to do. How permanently damaged was the jumper - if it all washed out then that's one thing; if it is damaged then it is reasonable to ask that the bully (or his parents!) replace it. Even if they don't - doesn't make it any less reasonable for you to ask. Also the boy should be apologising after every incident. Bit late to do it for previous events but should be expected going forwards. An fit they don't have anything written down then that shows the difference between how you expect them to deal ith these incidents and how they actually do treat them. I don't know if it is possible to actually get them to retrospectively document some of the more serious incidents for the records?

Oh and if this continues - regardless of where the bully sits next half term, get it down in writing that they are failing in their duty of care to keep your son safe and you want to know what they are going to do about it - within say 5 days for a response.

I think that's the phrase that should make them sit up and take notice; if not hopefully somebody else on here will know!

I think it's right to share your concerns. I thinks it's right that the teacher has the final say.

So if your child was being bullied daily...and nothing was being done by the teacher (despite her obviously being aware that this child is a problem)

You'd just trust trust the teacher to have final say? Hmmm, I guess that's one way of doing it.

Definitely say something! You can be very polite and sensitive about how you say it, but do say something. Otherwise the teacher may not be aware. Also, if this escalates, you need to be on record early.

Thank all.

Funnily enough the thing that the other child does that upsets ds the most is drawing on his work books.

Ds has a little bit of OCD - not taking this phrase lightly, it's not diagnosed or particularly bad like hand washing etc but he likes certain things to be neat and gets upset for example if he has to cross something out rather then run it out in his book etc.

I told the teacher this and that it really upsets Ds that he's working and this child draws on his book and his work.

Her reply was that 'it's only a little line he draws when he does this and in fairness I have told 'ds' to do it back to him - which may or may not be the right thing'

Ds as I have said is not perfect but he isn't like that - as I have said above about his neatness - he would never do that to another child, even when provoked.

The funny thing is this child being called a bully - he is much smaller then ds (ds is the youngest in the year but he is also one of the tallest). I know it's not about how tall they are.

I'm not looking forward to pot trolley another 10+ years of school drama.