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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want this visit from In Laws?

23 replies

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 10:36

I've got a very big birthday coming up in February. It ends with an 0 and is quite scary! I have no parents and husbands parents are elderly and live several hundred miles away. We see them about twice a year. He speaks to his mum a couple of times a week (his older brother lives round the corner from her and goes into her every day) on the phone.

He has told me that she said in their Sunday phone conversation that she and his dad were planning to come up for my birthday in February, and that they would be booking their train tickets. But not to mention it to me as it would be a 'surprise'. Husband knows me well enough to mention it!

Now, at the risk of sounding like a miserable old cow, it's not my idea of a fabulous birthday celebration to have to entertain them. They are quiet, mild people, don't drink or swear, one is partially sighted and both are hard of hearing. They don't like to do any of the things we like, so basically my special birthday would be ferrying them around, smiling and nodding, and having early nights. How do I proceed?

OP posts:

eosmum · 22/10/2013 10:42

Defer your celebrations by a week, they sound like they think you will be delighted to see them.

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 11:08

They're not suggesting they come to us (our cottage is too small) but that we all four of us go to a city and book either hotel rooms or a holiday apartment. If we do this with them, then there won't be any money left over for a separate celebration with husband.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2013 11:12

So it's more to do with money?

Can you suggest they book a B&B in your area?

ginslinger · 22/10/2013 11:12

your DH needs to call them and tell them quite clearly that having thought about it a bit more he realises that it's going to cut across a treat he had already planned for you. He needs to be very clear with them that HE wants to spend your birthday with you doing things that don't include them. He can be perfectly pleasant about it and suggest a get together at another time. It is his problem to deal with.

K8eee · 22/10/2013 11:13

Are they the sort of people who would get offended if your dh said that he knows you've got something planned and you haven't got the spare cash? Or would that mean inviting them (because you'd feel rude now you mentioned it if you didn't invite them) somewhere they would feel uncomfortable?

NotYoMomma · 22/10/2013 11:20

get dh to say well as you didnt know you are going out/ away with mates and could they come a week before or after?

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 11:23

TBH, we don't really have the money for two celebrations. We were hoping to have a slap-up weekend just the two of us. It never entered my head that they would think it would be a special surprise if they hijacked my birthday.

We live in a remote rural area and any B&B would be miles away, so if they did stay in one we would be ferrying them to and fro. Plus if the weather is bad (and in February it will be) there won't be much to do with them. Normal activities in our area are sight-seeing, hiking and so on. That's why we want to go away to a city where we will have bars, restaurants, cinemas, theatres, galleries and so on. If they come to the city with us - they don't want to visit any of those places. They just like to sit and have tea!

If we have a separate celebration, it will still cost us all over again if they come up for 'their' visit.

Husband knows I'm dismayed and disappointed. I speak to MIL once a week myself, so I'm thinking I might bring the subject up innocently, and say that I've been dropping big hints and hoping that husband will 'whisk me away somewhere romantic and glamourous'.

OP posts:

TheFabulousIdiot · 22/10/2013 11:26

Book something and then get your DH to call back saying you won't be there.

holidaysarenice · 22/10/2013 11:27

Stop pussy footing about and say that you want a romantic weekend together for ur big birthday.

You can't afford two weekends but wud they like to do something later in the year instead?

whois · 22/10/2013 11:28

Just get husband to say its a lovely thought, but he had planned a romantic weekend just the two of you. And that you would love to see them another time, and book a date in.

GoodbyeRubyTuesday · 22/10/2013 11:35

I agree with previous posters, just tell them you are planning to go away just the two of you. If you don't want to upset them, you could just mention in your next conversation that you have decided you'd like to go on a romantic break to X with DH for your birthday, you're really looking forward to it but haven't told him yet. Seeing as you don't know about the surprise they can't be offended

And if they say, "oh but we were going to visit", just say "that's kind of you but we won't be able to afford to do that as well as our trip away so perhaps we can arrange something for the summer"

It's nice that they thought of doing something for you, but it's not what you want and you can't afford to do their thing and to have your own celebration that you actually enjoy, so unfortunately it's not an option. Any reasonable people would not be hugely offended by it.

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 11:37

Right, great advice. I'm not someone who's bothered about what people think of them, so I don't really care if they think I'm ungrateful/miserable/anti social. I just didn't want to cause upset between husband and his parents as he has a very good relationship with them.
I will tell him to tell her not to book tickets as we are going away and we'll pop down to see them later in the year.
Sorted! Feel a lot happier now.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 22/10/2013 11:40

do you have DCs and what age are they? Could you suggest to MIL that they need babysitting and what would be a great treat to you would be to go away without DCs and her come to your cottage and babysit for the night/weekend?

Or could he tell a white lie that you have plans with friends (tell them it's a gig - nothing htey'd like to join!) and can't afford 2 celebration weekends.

Or get him to suggest you are going to save the money and do a trip away in the summer for your birthday but that at the end of Feb/start of march you'll come to visit them (I assume that would be affordable) for a birthday visit.

Or if you can't get out of it, say DH to say you are going to X city, but that you have your heart set on visiting Y museum, going to Z show and he's booking those, if they would like to join you they can, or would they like to do their own thing in the day and meet you at X restaurant at 7pm for dinner? Make it clear you have plans for the weekend, which they are welcome to join, but can't change. If they want to drop out, he won't be offended, but not invite them before the plans are set so they don't have input in it. (don't let him say you're going to X city and will sort out what you are doing later, because they will expect a say in it, it has to be delivered as a decided thing)

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 11:48

I think the main thing is to stop them booking train tickets (FIL is too frail to drive all the way up here now). They want to book soon so they get a good price. I've just been sitting here pondering all the suggestions. When you think of it, if t hey are going to knock on our hotel room and say 'surprise!', then they can't be miffed if I tell them 'oh, how nice. husband will have to entertain you as I've booked a facial, a massage and a hair do, so I'll see you later', and then go and do my own thing for the day! (or just go to the cinema). All it would cost us to go and see them would be the ferry tickets and the petrol money (i.e some hundred pounds), but when we go to visit we generally take them out to dinner too, as MIL gets flustered having to cook and cater for visitors and husband always has to step in and rescue dinner. So, my best case scenario is: husband puts them off from coming up, and he fobs them off with promise of a future visit.

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Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 11:50

Sorry, that shoud have said that going to visit them costs some hundreds of pounds - last time we went down it was about £200 in travel costs.

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29chapel · 22/10/2013 11:56

it's your 40th - don't let them book the tickets. Do what you want to do and tell them you can spend a weekend with them another time - surely they'll understand?

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 11:58

29chapel you are very sweet, but it's not my 40th!! (I wish!) I'm going to tell husband to tell them not to book the tickets.

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29chapel · 22/10/2013 12:02

Well even more reason not to have them visit if it's your 30th

diddl · 22/10/2013 12:11

First thought-lovely that they think so much of you.

Second thought-are they trying to use your bday as a treat for themselves?

I do find it odd that parents, let alone ILs would assume that their adult child wants them around on their bday-especially if they haven't been asked!

I think you have to tell them that you have plans so it won't work & you'll catch up some other time.

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 12:20

diddl - I suppose they just have a different mind set - to my mind, coming up hundreds of miles unannounced and inserting yourself into someone else's birthday weekend doesn't equate with thinking a lot of them!

And if they did come (which they aren't going to, husband is going to tell them so) it would be very hard not to take their frailty and general decrepitude etc into consideration. Husband would have to look after them, they can't see very well, they can't hear very well, they can't walk far, they don't like 'different' foods etc etc etc.

Right. My mind is made up. I'm telling husband to tell MIL not to book any tickets as we are going away!

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diddl · 22/10/2013 12:31

Well yes, but it's presumptuous (imo) to assume that your unexpected presence at someone else's bday will be a welcome surprise.

Perhaps they are hinting that they'd like to meet up soon though?

Hope all gets sorted out for you.

I've got my 50th soon-not scared, but no idea what to do!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 22/10/2013 13:05

Travel zoo offer some good deals on nights away in nice hotels usually with dinner thrown in. DH and I have been on one and just booked another for dec for my birthday good for special birthdays. I was so down about my 50th and had no idea what I wanted to do but DH came to the rescue with a special trip as a surprise.

Original poster

RegTheMonkey · 22/10/2013 13:14

Husband has just phoned them and suggested we go down for a visit before Christmas. We'll spend 3 nights at their place. MIL is delighted and beside herself with joy. So I'm hoping that this visit will mean she's not so bothered about February. Actually - probably cunning tactics on her part all along!

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