mil angry that we havn't visited.

[misspontypine]

Mil is a bit bonkers I won't go through the entire saga but she treated me very badly in the days following my ds's birth (she popped over when ds was 4 days old, it wasn't the first time she met ds, I hadn't slept for days but I was having a nap. Dp woke me up so I could breastfeed ds, I went and sat in the lounge with dp and pil and breastfed ds but I didn't say much as I was exhausted and the language they were speaking is not my first language and I didn't have the concentration to hold a conversion, mil said I was rude and I had an attitude problem. She also wanted to co-sleep with my 8 week old baby whilst me and dp slept in another house.. There is much more but I won't rehash it all, the advice I got from mumsnet at the time was to never see pil again.)

I have been friendly and engaged whenever we have seen pil for the sake of my dp and ds. Pil live 1000km away, we always intended to take ds up to see them but lots has happened, ds was in hospitalized at 5 weeks old, after that I had quite extreme health anxiety ( which has thankfully almost gone now) we have had lots and lots of visitors from the UK. We went to stay with my parents in the UK in tge summer. Unfortunately a close relative died this autumn so me and ds went to the UK ( trip paid for by my parents)

Pil have been to visit us but they stay with one of my dp's sisters and just pop over for a cup of tea or dinner. When they are down visiting I ask them if me and ds can come and spend the day with them or if they want to hang out with us at our home but they are always very busy with important things like haircuts and visits to garden centers.

Mil called dp tonight, she is very angry that we have not been to visit and she feels like we prioritise my UK family ( my dp has a vast about of relatives living close to us, we see different aunts/sisters/grandparents at least 2/3 times a week.)

We do intend to visit we just don't seem to have got round to organising it or putting tge money aside for the trip.

Aibu to think that she doesn't have the right to be angry with me ( it's always my fault even if her son is equally to blame) because we havn't been to visit?

We are going to the UK for Christmas and new year, I'm dreading her finding out!

My advice is to do whatever you want to do and stop making so much effort to see/please people for whom you will never be good enough!

If MN, with the benefit of the whole back story advised you to cut contact, then perhaps you should take thus advice? No point in asking if you don't want to do what is suggested

Her attitude would hardly tempt you to go and visit, would it?

She sounds odd, tbh. Wanting to co-sleep with your 8 week old baby whilst you were in a different house seems bizarre to me.

Go to your family in the UK for Christmas and DO NOT feel guilty. New mums need their families.

If your MIL is so desperate for you to visit her and she lives so far away then perhaps she should think of putting up the money for your fare. Putting her money where her mouth is, so to speak.

We will go and visit, I just feel it would have been nicer for her to word the conversation in a more positive way "I'd really love to spend some quality time with dgs, we'd really appreciate it if you came to visit us, you are welcome anytime"

I didn't cut her out of our lives because I felt like if I did that even though I would have been justified I would be making a decision for ds that wasn't really my decision to make. I don't think she is a danger to ds (as long as her desire to co-sleep with him is ignored) so I feel like it is best to try to keep a civil and functional relationship going.

Just my opinion, but I don't think children benefit from having relationships with family members who are disrespectful or nasty to their mothers and fathers.

I don't get this idea that contact between gps and dc have to be maintained at all costs.

And it is your decision to make because you are his mum. We make all sorts of choices for our dc when they are growing up. This is just another choice.

Ignore her. Say to your DP - "she is your mother, you deal with her" and leave him to get on with it.
Just let everything she says go over your head. She's 1000Km away, what can she do? fuck all. So let it go.
If she turns up on your doorstep, let your DP get on with it, you just smile sweetly (could you pretend not to understand a word she says?) nod and carry on with your life.

Mil is coming to stay ( with dp's sister next week so I think I will suggest she comes and spends the day with me and ds, she can come to playgroup and the park, give ds his dinner and bath, if she doesn't want to make the time to spend with ds then I don't think we should make the effort to drive 2000 km to spend time with them.

I assume your husband put her straight on this idea of it all being your fault? What did she say to that?

my pil sound a little similar in as much as they think we should visit them, they smoke in their house, and although they probably wouldn't whilst we are there, the house stinks and you leave smelling of it, I realise this is different, but there seems to be a home advantage thing that older people seem to like or want, I find it a bit strange as my grandmother who is only a few years older than my pil would gladly say on a bus all day to visit me and ds (we don't let her!)

should say 'sit on a bus'

Dp didn't put her right. He listens to what she says and gets a bit brain washed by her.

Smoking was an issue when ds was a newborn, mil smokes constantly. I'm not so worried now he is past tge age where sids is a high risk but I was terrified of second hand smoke when he was teeny.

I think that she is jealous that my mum has spent so much time with ds, mil has 10 otger grandchildren from her 3 daughters, she is very close to those children, she did things like co-sleep with them and she told me she loves her grandchildren more than her own children. I'd love her to have a normal grandmother relationship with ds but she seems to want a really intense relationship or nothing.

There is something wrong with a person who loves their gc more than their own dc. Sounds to me like she wants to take over and 'mother' your child and if you won't give in to that then she is not interested.

Talk to your dh and tell him that you expect his loyalty and support and that you and ds will be going nowhere near his mother unless he speaks up for you and behaves like a husband should!

Oh dear, she sounds marvellous. Yanbu. My mil is much the same, complained I was rude and moody whilst struggling with ms on a rainy country walk (no warning and so no water etc). Visited 4 days after birth, and has not bothered to come here since, instead expecting us to drive there, at considerable expense. Constant complaints that she doesn't see ds, despite being able to drive and being well able to do the trip. It always seems to be my fault, never dh's, even if he does say something I must have put him up toit!

There are so many unreasonable mils about. I can't imagine any of my friends ( age range mid 20s to mid 30s) behaving in the way so many mils are reported to behave. I wonder if all these barmy mils were once reasonable.