To not have the first clue how to manage 8 year old girls

[fairy1303]

I have an 8 year old DSD.

I have been looking after her full time now for 4 years, so you would think I would have got the hang of it by now...

She has just started at a new school due to a house move - we did have a couple of issues last year with one particular girl but it never got too nasty and it was pretty easy to sort out.

This year, new school.

DSD was friendly with a really lovely little girl, (lets call her louise) she came round to play etc. I really like her mum too.

DSD has also made really good friends with another little girl (mary) - who is also very nice. They are very full on together and this is the closest friend DSD has really had - bearing in mind we are only a couple of months into term though!

There have been frictions as old friend thinks new friend has taken her away, children have been unpleasant about a party etc etc - add into the mix another little girl in the class who has been really horrible to ALL of them and there have been a LOT of tears.

Now I know that you can't force children to be friends, but I think it's a shame that all three of them - DSD, Louise, and Mary can't all just get a long? I feel like i'm constantly refereering and there are constantly tears and 'she said this, she said that' etc etc

I just don't know how to manage it.

Louise's mum has sent me a message on FB saying that she won't be at a party we are having soon as the last (mean) girl is going - she was invited before she started being mean and obv I can't uninvite her and it is just soooo political I feel like I am back at school and just don't know what 'normal' mothers do!

Tell me I'm not alone in this minefield!

AIBU?

You are definitely not alone, not got much advice though, sorry.
??

You have my sympathy - similar thing going on with my DD (also 8) - she just started a new school and someone called her a weirdo last week :-(
Only advice i have is that generally these things appear to work themselves out - they'll all be best friends again no doubt so don't do anything, just let her vent her frustrations and try to remain objective. and drink some wine

I think ultimately all you can do is give dsd the tools to manage her own friendships and feelings. Giving her the confidence to walk away if she is unhappy, treating others the way she would like to be treated.

The points I constantly make to my dd's are if you allow them to treat you like that it will continue and if you are worried that by standing up for yourself you will lose the friend then you have not lost anything because you were unhappy anyway.
Re the party, don't get too sucked in. The problem is the kids move on far quicker than the adults. Something along the lines of "well if the situation changes she's always welcome! "
Pita the lot of it!

children soon learn these things themselves, they will work out for themselves which are real friends and which are using them, trying to control them and sulking/bitching /turning on the tears when things don't go their way. being someone's friend does not mean you are not allowed to speak to/play with someone else. you don't have to have the same opinions as your friend either.

DD1 had a girl in her year who befriended every new child and was all sweetness and light for a few weeks, then got bored and dumped them, and started being nasty behind their backs.

boys are better - a quick fight and then back to playing footie!

in all seriousness, they do have a hormone surge at around 8, and it does get better till about 12/13/14

boys are better head -> desk

I remember getting hormonal at 11 . Not with friends but at home over milk of all things.

oh come on Mrs TP, you know what I meant surely! Boys aren't fickle and bitchy and possessive in the same way girls are. I was not favouring one gender over the other, I have both myself !

I have heard many many parents and many many teachers make comments along the lines that boys are simpler in their friendships because they get tiffs out of their systems and make friends again more quickly, whereas girls are cliquey and brood and harbour grudges much more.

I honestly think it is must have some developmental purpose. for some reason girls always hang round in 3s and do this swapping and dropping of friends.Unless one is always the odd one out and excluded I would let them get on with it.

You could say that girls are adaptable, emotionally intelligent and loyal but 'fickle and bitchy and possessive' works just as well.

You've just caught me in a mood. I hear all the time that 'girls are x' and 'boys are y'. None of which applies to my DD. Either she is a freak or all these generalisations are wrong (and incredibly offensive). When I look at my friends' children, lots of whom are about 3-5, I see tough, gentle, loud, quiet, car and dinosaur-loving, doll-loving, stick-wielding, clothes obsessed boys and girls. Then I look at the older children and so many are so gendered.

Loving pink isn't innate. And 'bitchiness' is a social construct.

I have just about survived my first round of tween friendship traumas. My best advice is to just try and ride it out, snd try not to scream in frustration when the one they despise this week is the new bff next
Other advice is not to bother involving other parents in the issues if at all possible unless she is getting a really hard time. Try and keep invitations open, alwsys invite friends in even numbers so they are less likely to leave 1 person out.
Oh and wine. Quite a lot of wine

phantomnamechanger Mon 21-Oct-13 18:27:10
"oh come on Mrs TP, you know what I meant surely! Boys aren't fickle and bitchy and possessive in the same way girls are"

Not so sure about this- I've known boys to be both fickle and possessive (have one child of each sex).

As for bitchy- I'm not sure it's not partly how we hear the same type of speech when it comes from a girl or from a boy.

I have certainly heard unpleasant comments about friends both from ds and from mates of his. Comments that I would certainly have had no difficulty in identifying as bitchy if spoken by a friend of dd. But even I baulked at typing the word "bitchy" next to the word "boy". Because we all know that bitchy is something girls do, that the bitch is a female creature.

Not all boys push each other over and forget. I am not sure ds has ever pushed anyone over in his life tbh. Nor has his cousin. Who incidentally does a fine line in whining.

Ds is far more prone to brooding than dd is: she flares up (physically when she was younger), then laughs and forgets. Ds takes things to heart and ponders them. Dd was frequently physical, ds was not: he'd be more likely to become tearful.

Op I could have written your post,nearly did after having a shite week of the same.

I have a dd 8 too.

I have twin boys and have never,ever experienced any of this kind of thing with them.

I too have no idea how to handle it,it's totally bewildering.

Told dd to keep away from it so she has been playing with boys a lot more- queue zero drama.

Wondering if they have a hormone surge at this age.

I have just had the mother of the 'mean' girl message me on fb - implicating 'Louise' and she is talking of going into school to get this all sorted! It's worse than my own school days!

I think the best you can do is promise to be super vigilant at the party. The mothers complaining that the other girl will be there sort of implies they don't think you will be. well, it doesn't, but if you pretend to take it like that, they may reign it in

In the long term, you can only really manage your own child, not other peoples and they always think their little darling is blameless although mine obviously is blameless.