to be sad that my dd will lose out on a relationship with her cousin? (long)

[KibethTheDisreputableDog]

Have namechanged in case "sil" is a mumsnetter although I think that is highly unlikely.

After years/months of tension the shit finally hit the fan last night re bil and his gf.

Background: bil is flakey at best. Began letting DH down a couple of years ago - not going his stag do or even for a drink the week before the wedding. Took a room at the hotel for our wedding then cancelled last minute meaning it couldn't be used by anyone else from our families. Was round our house constantly when between girlfriends but noticeably absent when he's got onward on the go.

Fast forward to March and they have a dd. Think the fact I got pregnant a few months after them causes some bad feeling due to "stealing their thunder". We make an effort to go round but sil doesn't talk to us and actually hides upstairs. Its so awkward as we can hear her moving around and watching tv up there. Before anyone says she wants to feed the baby in private you should know she would leave the baby downstairs. We cool off omissions visiting as we feel so unwelcome.

For full disclosure on the birth of my niece we bought some clothes, a photo frame and gave her a cheque made out to her for them to set up a savings account with. Now in my family that is a normal thing to do. I know my parents got several cheques to pay in for me when I was born.

Fast forward to July and our own dd arrived. Bil and sil failed to come and visit at all. When she was a few weeks old we were invited to go round there which we did to be polite. They gave our dd nothing. Now I'm not a grabby person and knew they are not well off but a card? Or a £2 bib or something? Obviously nothing was said as I'm not a rude bitch but I did feel a bit sad that they couldn't be bothered with my dd. Again sil is still doing her ignoring us act.

Forgot to say they are the same with my mil. Barely talk to her. Sil hiding upstairs and making her feel really unwelcome.

Mil has been getting increasingly upset. She is such a doting grandmother constantly knitting and buying stuff, none of which seems to be appreciated. The attitude seems to be that they want sil's family to be the only ones to buy anything for their dd.

They've been cancelling mil going round and being funny when she's there (she only goes once a fortnight for a couple of hours it's hardly over the top). They cancelled again yesterday and mil got really upset. After months of keeping it all in she wrote bil a message explaining how she felt as he would not talk to her. He then rang her spitting bile (sorry to drip feed he was drunk - he is probably an alcoholic as he drinks every day to excess). Ranting about her and me randomly. Mil rang my DH in tears to talk to him about it.

Now I knew it was a bad idea but DH messaged Bil to tell him he'd upset their mother. DH then received a phonecall from bil. Highlights from that: DH is barely his brother anyway.... I'm nothing to do with their family and I'm nothing to them.... I flash my cash, he doesn't want his daughter to have a fucking bank account... we were wrong to have bought dn anything on her birth as that was showing off.... he's had enough of DH and will come round to beat him up... we havent made enough effort with his daughter...

DH hung up when he started threatening violence. He then tried to call several times. We locked up and went to bed and I barely slept worrying that he was about to come and force his way in (as he had threatened). Dd is only 3.5 months and I don't need that stress.

Bil then rang DH's stepdad to tell him he hated him too then put one of those passive aggressive facebook attention seeking posts on.

We need to sever contact I think but I do feel sad that the cousins won't be growing up together in the way I'd imagined. We are also upset about losing contact with our niece.

Am thinking about setting up a savings account for dn and putting in a bit on her birthday/Christmas to give to her when she is 18. Is that a horrific idea? We just don't want her to think we don't care.

I can relate to the not talking much to mil after arguing with partner,it prob isnt even about mil but who feels like chatting after arguing,it can be done but its a strain.

Yes once. We had quite a long chat when we popped round to tell them we were expecting. We had quite a long chat and I thought that things would improve after that. Although even then she said a few odd things like when I said we were due in July she told me that she so didnt want a summer baby that they had stopped trying for a few months to avoid it. Felt a bit weird to say that to someone god just told you they were having a summer baby.

I think she's been a bit trapped into having that conversation as bil and DH were playing on the PlayStation

I think we may have got so used to not talking to each other that neither of us makes an effort anymore. I really would like this to be fixed.

Me and SIL are bezzies but the thing that we both share is i love her kids and she loves mine.shame your SIL hasnt had chance to bond with your dd

precious it was £100. But it was made out to dn not them. In my naivety I thought this was the done thing as it was in my family. We had to budget for the cheque it was quite a bit of money for me but she is my first and only niece/nephew and I wanted to be generous.

I think they think I earn more than I do because of my profession but I'm actually still quite junior and the salaries at my level are not quite what people think they are.

Yes limited I had hoped we may be able to spend time together while on mat leave.

Is it really too late to say that youd love to let the kids get to know each other and that you dont know whats happened but its a shame when they should be friends?

It does sound like she just doesn't like your family however if you know they are strapped for cash I do think £100 ,clothes and a photo frame was a bit OTT . As you were pregnant as well they probably felt you would expect similar ,I do think you have to be very careful when you have friends/ family who are less well off than you are .

Families eh? Not always easy.

It sounds to me as if they are envious of you and your DH and family and just don't really know how to handle it.

Your day to day lives sound very different. You probably have little in common and relationships just can't be forced, especially when people are very different.

I think it's admirable that you are trying to find ways to keep links between your families for the sake of your children but ultimately they have to play along for it to work and right now they don't want to. That doesn't mean they won't come around in time, possibly if/when their own circumstances improve they will feel more comfortable around you and your family.

In the mean time let the dust settle. Whatever you do discourage DH and MIL from becoming any kind of go-between. Don't talk about this to MIL and if the subject comes up suggest she contacts your BIL direct. The surest way to cause a permanent rift is for your BIL and SIL to believe your MIL has taken sides.

It doesn't sound as if you'll ever be close, the best you might be able to hope for is BIL to be civil. SIL may always prefer not to see you, that's her prerogative. Don't save money for your DN, just send a card with a small gift.

Be prepared for this to take a very long time and face the fact it is unlikely your children will ever have the relationship with their cousins that you would like. As adults they may be able to forge a relationship if they want to.

I know someone who sounds like the BIL in your story. He suffered an abusive relationship and was the scapegoat of the family, his sister the golden child and saw his DB as a bit of a black sheep, but had no idea of the extent of the abuse he suffered.

Apart from the perpetrator of the abuse, nobody else in the family was really aware of the full extent of it in fact, but he viewed them as enablers, they were arguably a bit neglectful and they never bothered with him particularly as an adult until he and his partner had a baby. Then suddenly they wanted to be very involved in the child's life and were surprised to find he wasn't very enthusiastic.

Even if this isn't the sort of thing happening in your case, I think it's not entirely realistic to expect to become good friends with someone just because you have children of similar ages (and probably little else in common), so I wouldn't get too disappointed about that.

I don't think you are necessarily being U though, I just wanted to throw some different ideas out for consideration.

What did your husband think of giving the money?

It might be done in your family, but maybe not in his, which was why it was badly received?

TBH, clothes, a gift & money seems a bit showy off to me-especially if you couldn't really afford it & the family wouldn't have been bothered if they hadn't had it.

Your BIL made a clear point that he 'doesn't want his daughter to have a fucking bank account' so your proposal is to set up a savings account for your DN to have when she is 18??

I think you just need to back off and let your husband deal with his family if he choses to.

Im not being funny but why wouldnt someone want their child to have savings?honestly someone explain to me cos i dont get it.is that not just a rejection excuse.Its for his daughters future,i wish someone had saved for me when i was younger.

I don't think it's usual to set up an account for a niece, is it?

Why is it so important to you after BIL has said he doesn't want it?

You sound like completely different people.

I'm sure your daughter will manage well enough if not close to her cousin.

TBH, I've never been close to mine-prefer my friends!

We may have the same sil

Tbh I steer clear and just stop trying, I send a small present and a card at birthdays and Christmas and first refusal on hand me downs, but that's as far as it goes.

Step back if only for your own sanity, you can't fix family.

It's not unusual to start an account or contribute to one for a child but that's not the point is it. Some people get angry/embaressed/irritated if they feel they are receiving a gift they can't, or don't want to reciprocate.

There are enough threads about that on here to know its an issue for some.

I think the large cheque was a bad idea. Making it out to DN was also a terrible idea. If they are sensitive about money they could see it as dictorial and controlling(you only get this gift if you set uo an account for DN) and implying that you don't trust them not to spend the money on themselves. I know your intention was good but I bet they saw it as you flashing the cash and judging them.

I think you should take a step back for the time being. On the face of it their behaviour does seem a bit strange but maybe they have money problems or other problems. No point in taking it personally and worrying she doesn't like you. Just let them get on with it.

Having read your post I think they have mega issues. It is nothing to do with you, or how you have behaved (FWIW I think your gift for a niece was lovely). Your brother in law is an alcoholic, thinks it's acceptable to shout abuse and threaten violence, and your sister in law hides away. I think if you want the cousins to have any semblance of a relationship then it will have to be on the BIL's terms as he clearly has more problems. I would try to keep thinking rationally, be nice, don't cut them off but don't allow them to upset you, I know that is easier said than done, but if you can just accept that is who they are, then it won't hurt and you will get what you want. Also support your MIL, and probably for her sake I would try and keep lines of communication open. It must be breaking her heart (says the mother of 2 baby boys).

When your bil gets dumped by his gf & refused access to see his dd, then he will come crawling back but until then keep a safe distance.

Women like that are emotionally insecure, thats why your sil needs to isolate your bil from his family. You sound lovely & caring but concentrate on your own family unit.

If your bil turns up threatening violence again, call the police straightaway.

I feel for you, I have the same crap in my family. I am realising that no matter how much I want peaceful, respectful contact, that isn't achievable with people who want the opposite. In my situation all I can do is grieve what has been lost and accept reality as it is and try to build other family/friend connections for my children. You don't sound flash, you sound generous and thoughtful. Try and let it go and keep MIL out of it.

Oh and am wondering just how large the cheque was??>

Oh sorry, just seen, £100? That's nothing really and appropriate in my book. Miserable bastards, bet they cashed it too!