To have spoken up about this?

[NipNaps]

My DSis has a DS who is 21 months. Was walking v early but as yet no words and no attempt to babble or make noise apart from a high-pitched screaming when unhappy or doing something energetic like running through a room.

DSis is convinced that he has hearing issues despite numerous tests showing he can hear normally. She refuses to believe these and therefore won't consider that there's possibly something else which is causing the delay in talking/socialising.

There are other issues too - DN will not make eye contact with anyone, cries when other children get within about a metre of him, does not respond to his name or show understanding of any other words but will instantly turn and run towards the tv if the music/programme changes. The only time he'll come to a person of his own accord is if they have food. He will not sit with any adults and pushes you away if you try and cuddle/play with him. He has funny mannerisms like flapping his hands a lot and shaking his head. He will not indulge in imaginary play like making cups of tea etc. He doesn't use any gestures at all or point at things or come to an adult for help if he can't do something. DSis often remarks that he seems to be "in a world of his own" but as I said before, is convinced that it is hearing problems which is causing this.

She asked me the other day whether I thought her doctor/hv was right and that she should maybe pursue/start to believe other avenues such as autism. I said (as gently as I could) that it would probably be a good idea to at least let the professionals investigate as if it is something like that then strategies can be put in place or at least her mind will be put at rest if it's not a form of autism. I have worked with children with SN in the past and I think that he does need to be checked out in case he needs some support in any way. However, this wasn't the answer that DSis wanted and she got quite angry with me for suggesting it - WIBU to have tried to gently point her towards allowing different investigations or should I have kept my mouth shut and just agreed with what she thought when she asked for my opinion? I have kept telling her how much we will support her through this which she is grateful for but I think things are turning out differently to what she initially thought they would be and she is not comfortable with things as they are...

Well she did ask you didn't she? And you were honest in your answer. So Yanbu there. You can't ask someone a question like that and expect them to lie when they really do think something needs investigation. She is probably feeling very worried about it though and was trying to reassure herself. It must be a difficult decision for her to make.

Is he likely to be starting at nursery or pre school any time soon? If so, maybe the staff there will be more encouraging about getting an assessment.

I wouldn't push your dsis too hard, it is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that your child may have difficulties and that they aren't developing typically, and it's quite common for parents to need time to get their head around it before they can bring themselves to allow formal assessments. It can almost feel like you are letting your child down if you admit that there might be something 'wrong' with them.

I think in your position I'd concentrate on being a supportive sister and loving auntie, rather than someone else who is pushing for tests. Can you talk to your BIL about it?

You did the right thing. She is going through a very hard time, deep down she knows the answer herself but acknowledging it makes it real.

Early intervention is so important and the sooner the child gets appropriate help the better but you can't force your sister. Be there for her, take the crap and dry her tears ..........

She asked, YWNBU to answer her. You sound like a nice supportive sister.

Poor woman. It's really hard when you look at your child and you know that there's an issue. Hard as it is to face it, she has to. Refusing to have something looked into doesn't blink it out of existence. IF there is an issue, then by failing to deal with it, she's only ensuring that the valuable early years input that can really help is denied to her son. She'll regret that for the rest of her life if it does turn out he has autism.

OTOH, having a child assessed does not give them something that they don't actually have. If he isn't on the spectrum then he isn't on it and an assessment will show that.

Mine were dx at 2.5 and at 3 and they had home visiting teachers and all manner of therapies and went into school with full statements in place and it made all the difference.

I think (and it's just my pov) that the pre dx 'what is going on here' time is far worse than post dx when you know what you are dealing with.

Broken their plan is not to put DN into childcare/nursery so the first time he'll be in contact with other adults in a formal setting will probably be reception year of school.

BIL has spoken to me about this, he is undecided as to what the issue is but is really wanting DS to go along with him in allowing the health professionals to do what they feel is necessary to help DN. Obviously he is really fearful in case it turns out to be autism or something similar but wants DN to get as much support as possible, as soon as possible.

You did the right thing.
Excellent post by Revels.

He sounds very much like my son who is autistic. I started the process to get him formally diagnosed at 18 months and he received he diagnosis when he was a little over two.

The early support he has had has made all the difference and I believe it is the reason he can speak now. If we hadn't had that I believe he would still be non verbal.

At the moment we are sorting his school place and the special needs preschool his paediatrician arranged for him to attend are being a brilliant help.

In your position I would tell her she has nothing to loose by getting him check. Maybe frame it from a speech and language perspective. There is a long waiting list for a speech and language therapist and the earlier he joins it the better if he might need it. If the time comes and he doesn't she could always turn him down.

Do they have a health visitor she could speak to?

Yes they have spoken to their hv who has ordered more hearing tests to rule out hearing issues (again!) and has expressed a high level of concern about his speech and socialisation but hasn't said what the next step is after the results of the hearing test. I think this may be part of the reason why DS is convinced it's solely a hearing issue.

If he needs some help, the sooner the better - I think I'm right in saying it will improve his outcome if he is given that help asap.

It is a difficult situation but at least they are talking about it and considering it.

You have done the right thing. As revels says, this takes time but the fact that she is considering hearing problems means that at least she is open to the idea that there is some kind of problem, at least not completely closed. Hang in there with them, carry on keeping them company. Agree that the pre-dx stage is the hardest. in time, with the right help, from my pov It's not the worst thing in the world to have a child with SNs - I adore my funny boy!