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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset by my birthday present

33 replies

teaand5biscuits · 20/10/2013 18:27

I know I am probably being unreasonable and irrational so I am hoping you will all kick me up the arse

My mum came round for my birthday and she has bought me a 6 month gym membership.

This has really upset me, my mum has always been obsessed with my weight when I was a teenager she used to say things such as "you have put on weight" "you aren't fit so what is the point" " when I was your age I was so much smaller than you" and it made me really self-conscious and if anything it just made it worse because I used to eat to either make myself feel better or because I didn't see the point anymore.

Plus she knows that going to the gym is the last thing I would enjoy I hated sports growing up and I am pretty rubbish at anything physical I walk the dog and take my DCs out but structured stuff isn't my thing.

I feel like she is again making another passive aggressive comment about my weight and it has been on my mind all day.

OP posts:

lagoonhaze · 20/10/2013 18:29

My mother did this!

You are not alone. The older wiser me would have pulled her up on it.

The younger me just went along with it.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2013 18:30

Happy Birthday - it's mine today too.

I got a £20 cheque. Which I never cash.

Not much you can do about it is there? Just sigh and either use it or don't.

Pinupgirl · 20/10/2013 18:32

No yanbu-it was very rude of her to give you this as a present with no discussion. She was clearly trying to make a point in a very arsey pa manner.

My mum was very similar when I was growing up-always comparing me to my super slim sister or saying I would be beautiful if I lost a stone

I was very slim btw!

I would tell your mum that this present is no good to you and can she get a refund so that you can choose something you really want.

Gym?-yuk. I couldn't stand it either. Swimning once a week and a dance class is quite enough exercise for moi!

HavantGuard · 20/10/2013 18:36

Happy Birthday.

You can either be upset quietly, but it sounds like the has just led to her escalating from comments to a gym membership, or return it to her. Tell her that you are upset by her negative comments and see this as yet another criticism. Tell the gym to take your details out of their system and to send it all to her address.

Original poster

teaand5biscuits · 20/10/2013 18:36

I would tell her that I don't want it but she will get upset and grumpy and say I am ungrateful.

OP posts:

Original poster

teaand5biscuits · 20/10/2013 18:41

Plus telling her she is upsetting me just leads to her being defensive and argumentative saying that I get upset easily and it's my fault and I am just imagining things from my teenage years.

OP posts:

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 20/10/2013 18:43

Does the gym have a sauna, steam room ect.

sapfu · 20/10/2013 18:44

Do they have a cafe that sells coffee and cake?

That's the bit of the gym I use most.....

If it does, gleefully tell your mum they do the most amazing muffins and pastries etc. No of course mum I don't use the gym or the pool, I hate exercise, you know that. But thanks for the membership because those lardy cakes are to die for.

Original poster

teaand5biscuits · 20/10/2013 18:51

sapfu I like that idea

I think the gym has a steam room so I guess I could go mooch in there and then have cake

OP posts:

Mia4 · 20/10/2013 18:52

That's not nice at all OP, like a bit slapping hint. Does it have a jacuzzi/hot tub or pool in it?

Fuzzysnout · 20/10/2013 18:55

Your mum does not sound very kind. However now you have the membership why not give it a try.

I was very non sporty as a youngster & still am as an adult but did once join the gym -when I had more money than now-- and to my surprise, loved it.

I loved the pool (advanced doggy paddle is my only stroke) and even the exercise machines where they give you your own programme & you can do what you like at your own pace. I never did any classes & just enjoyed the relaxation.

One thing that shocked me was how diverse the other members were - all shapes & sizes / abilities & how little anyone is bothered about what anyone else does.

Of course you could just tell your mum to shove it & that would be understandable, but why let her worry you ? If you give it a go you might love it or hate it but it would be your choice then, not hers.

Iamsparklyknickers · 20/10/2013 18:59

I think you should give it a go - you never know they might do a lovely relaxing yoga session. Follow that up with a little swim, steam and muffin that sounds blissful!

Tell your mum you only go for the steam and muffin though, and to pinch towels.

bigbluebus · 20/10/2013 19:03

I agree this is a rather tactless present as it was bought without you hinting at wanting it.
However, I agree with Fuzzy, give it a try - you might be surprised.

My DH was forced to bid for bought a gym membership at a promise auction. He said he hated gyms and didn't want to go. He had never like sport/PE at school either. I persuaded him to go and try the gym out. After the 1st session, he said it was OK, after the 2nd he quite enjoyed it. 7 years later he has gone from being a complete couch potato to loving going to the gym (both for the social aspect and the exercise )and now runs 5k & 10k races. He is much fitter and healthier, and it has encourage sport and PE hating teenage DS to join the gym and run too.

Aniseeda · 20/10/2013 19:07

Oh heck I can really see why you are upset. I get this a bit with my mum.

I would go and see what the gym is like though. I hate most sports but I'd love to be able to go swimming somewhere that isn't my local council baths with their smelly changing rooms!

CHERRYBL0SS0M · 20/10/2013 19:10

After the initial 6 months, are u going to have to start paying? In my experience most gyms

Sinful1 · 20/10/2013 19:11

Take it, go to the gym, perve on the fit blokes then a nice soak in the jacuzzi or the steam room, maybe a little turn in the sauna before relaxing in the pool.

Think of it as a 6 month spa membership.

Otherwise try out some classes or try a little exercise, makes you feel great from the endorphins.

LEMisdisappointed · 20/10/2013 19:11

Can you sell it to a friend?

Your mother sounds awful - i am so sorry

without the history I would say YABU as i would quite like gym membership and cannot afford it but its the whole message that you are not quite good enough - i get this, my mother is much the same as yours.

CHERRYBL0SS0M · 20/10/2013 19:12

Oops hit post too soon
In my experience, memberships are for one year. Is that a way of politely declining?
"Thanks mum for the lovely gift, but I just can't afford to continue the membership"

snowmummy · 20/10/2013 19:16

I think sparklyknicker's idea is a great one

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 20/10/2013 19:21

I agree YANBU to be upset, BUT you should give it a go. But DO NOT tell your mother that you're going to the gym. If she finds out you've been, go with the sauna & muffin story. Don't give her the satisfaction of feeling she forced you into it.

3birthdaybunnies · 20/10/2013 19:24

Make sure that you aren't committed beyond the first 6 months, otherwise go along, have a swim sauna and cake then congratulate your DM on her find of a quiet coffee shop with yummy cake. Make sure that you mention the cakes loads and how pleased you are with the cakes. She probably won't risk it again! Did I mention the cakes.

Iamsparklyknickers · 20/10/2013 19:27

Or tell her you just use it for parking to go to something nearby

Make sure to get her some wrinkle cream, hairdye and perhaps an alert bracelet for Christmas too. Or a subscription to Peoples Friend or some shite.

parakeet · 20/10/2013 19:30

YANBU. Why not tell her, calmly and politely, and without bringing up anything from the past, how it has made you feel.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 20/10/2013 19:33

You are definitely not being unreasonable to be upset about it - it's a horrible present (in your situation - some might like it).

You have choices now - only you can decide what to do. Return it to her and leave her in no uncertain terms how you feel about it and her attitude to you OR go and see what you think - whether that's a gym session or two, a class, the sauna or cafe... make the most of the membership benefits and only do what YOU want while there.

Didactylos · 20/10/2013 19:40

Im with the ' I cant use this' camp - as well as being a bit of a dig, shes also making you commitments of time etc, eg to make use of her present you have to find time to go out to the gym DC and dog free. Tell her you dont want to spend your leisure time this way - would rather do family stuff, or are starting a course in X and so wont be making any use of it. Hand it back to her, tell her she should be due a refund

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